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Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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Original poster

" parents under pressure"

19 replies

samantha26 · 08/03/2011 21:40

was watching "parents under pressure" and they were talking bout bonding with your baby.

i felt like i was a bad parent as i am finding it hard to bond with myson.

does it make me a bad parent?

dont get me wrong i love him to bits and i wouldntchange him for the world but wot do i do?

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Chunkamatic · 08/03/2011 21:43

Why do you feel you can't bond with him? What is it that you think is missing from your relationship? And how old is he?

Spero · 08/03/2011 21:47

No.

Some parents bond instantly, others take a while. It took me about three months.

If you love him, and show it, by cuddling him, maintaining eye contact, talking to him, singing to him etc, etc, then I am sure the bond will come. Not sure what the distinction is between 'loving' and 'bonding' that you make.

I think it is a dangerous myth to say that the moment you clap eyes on your baby you fall massively in love and have this great bond.

TheArmadillo · 08/03/2011 21:48

not bonding with your baby doesn't make you a bad parent. As long as you care for your child to the best of your abilities.

How old is your son?

I haven't bonded with my (baby) dd - it makes things harder and it makes me sad as she is a lovely baby. However I have had a host of mental health problems throughout my pregnancy that are ongoing so its understandable.

It's all very different to my ds with whom I bonded instantaneously.

You can't force it. I spend a lot of time with my dd playing with her and singing to her and lots of things like that. Just spending a lot of time with them helps I think.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

NinkyNonker · 09/03/2011 13:37

I don't think so. I thought the programme was good in that respect, showed that it is common and people get through it.

I loved dd from the moment she was born and would have done anything for her, but didn't feel 'connected', or like I really enjoyed her for the first 6 wks or so. Now at 7 months I could cry I adore her so much. At the time I found that acting like a truly bonded parent helped me be one over time, imagining someone was watching me with her etc.

Original poster

samantha26 · 09/03/2011 18:34

my son just turned a year old sunday

with my first son i boded instantly but with am i love him to bits but im not sure wots missing

maks me feel like a bad parent

i see all these other parents laughing a joking with there kids but when i look at him i feel nothing i love him to bits and wouldnt change him for the world but whats wrong with me why cant i love him like i do jm???????

OP posts:

newgirl · 09/03/2011 18:41

but you HAVE bonded - you say you "love him to bits" - that's bonding surely?

dont be so hard on yourself x

Original poster

samantha26 · 09/03/2011 18:51

i do all the same stuff with am that i do with jm but nothing clicks with him like jm

most people now adays will automatically judge you if things like this gets mentioned and ull find social services on ur door and the next thing u know ur kids r taken off u

thats wot im scared of? i dont want them taken away!!!!

OP posts:

newgirl · 09/03/2011 18:58

they are just different personalities so you will be different with each child.

Spero · 09/03/2011 19:03

please don't worry about social services. your children can only be removed from you without your consent if a court finds that they are at risk of significant harm, be it emotional or physical. 'Significant' means what it says. There is no way a child can be at risk of significant harm if a parent keeps him safe, clean, warm and fed and shows that he is loved, with kisses and hugs etc. This isn't a social services issue from what you say.

Have you tried ringing parentline? they might have some one you could talk to for reassurance.

Original poster

samantha26 · 09/03/2011 19:04

yeah i know thats true but will someone please tell my head that.

lol

OP posts:

Spero · 09/03/2011 19:07

There are some good books about children's personalities and temperaments; sometimes children do have very different personalities to their parents and it is not as 'easy' to have a good relationship with them. But I think that is life. There isn't just one way to love your son and be a good mother. provided he has got all the basics, don't beat yourself up about it, just take it one day at a time.

Original poster

samantha26 · 09/03/2011 19:52

wots the names of the books so i can get them out the libaray

OP posts:

Spero · 09/03/2011 20:49

Good question, I am not sure, did an Open University Course four years ago and the course materials were brilliant - there was a chapter on Temperament and Personality in one of the hand books about child development.

I think all the OU materials are available on line? Or just google 'children temperament psychology' and see what you get. There are probably some good articles online for free.

The basic point was that it can make some families very unhappy when they expect all the children to be the same or do/like what the parents do. They discussed some examples of adventurous parents having a shy and timid child or vice versa. The key is to try and accept each other for who you are. But I can see it would be more 'difficult' to love someone who has a different personality/temperament to you.

Original poster

samantha26 · 10/03/2011 09:33

thanks spero ill google that now

yheirs got to be a point in my lifewhere i will love him but its just bugging me that i dont know when that will be??????

OP posts:

Spero · 10/03/2011 09:55

I find it helps me to think of 'love' as a verb. i.e. it is something you do not something you feel. It is more important for him that you do things that show you think he is important and valuable, rather than you just sat around 'feeling' things for him.

My ex's mum really 'loved' her children and would often cry and tell them so. Unfortunately this 'love' never translated into getting off her arse and cooking them tea or buying them clean clothese for school. And they have all been screwed up by it.

It sounds as if you are doing find. Don't beat yourself up about it. Do some reading and have a chat with GP/HV if you are really worried and things don't seem to be getting better in a few months.

Spero · 10/03/2011 09:55

Fine! not find

jayd03 · 12/03/2011 20:04

dont feel bad at all,it doesnt mae you a bad mum
i know im not,
im one of the mums who spoke in the program my problems were a result of post natal depression and domestic violence but i know lots of mums have problems bonding the difference is they dont admit it or ask for help which results in problems later on in life for the child.

skybluepearl · 13/03/2011 17:37

theres a book than can help with bonding.playful parenting by cohen.

Original poster

samantha26 · 14/03/2011 13:59

thanks for that book title ill look it up.

but was thinking over the weekend and ive realized whats making me not bond with am.

my partner says that am is not his that ive cheated on him and as aresult had a baby
ive tried getting throught to him that am is his and ive not cheated but he wont listen.

wot do i do???

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