over the cot row cliche

[fishmother]

I don't know if this is a common thing to happen but I could do with some advice / stories of similar situations [am far to scared to post in AIBU!]

So, me and DP have just had a blazing row.

DD's been very unsettled for the past week and sleep has become a distant memory. At the moment I sleep in with her as it's easier to deal with the night time wakings [she's 4mo].

I often find that DP does things in a way that I wouldn't or don't but I bite my tongue - he's her parent too. But, tonight he went up to settle her after she woke for the 3rd time and instead got himself and her worked up by trying to change her nappy in the cot, in the dark. It didn't need changing, he just needs to do something. I went up to see if I could help and after he snapped at me I chucked him out of the room and fed her to sleep.

He's now mad at me, but to be honest I'm the one that deals with her during the night so I feel that I did the right thing to nip it in the bud before it became a bigger issue [eg a soaked mattress].

But did I? And how do I 'let go' and allow him to parent? Also generally how do I get him to see that I do things a certain way because I do this day in night out and I've tried everything else!!

you need to let go.

Chucking him out the room - I can see why he's mad at you. IF there was a risk of her health or safety then fine but for anything else it was a ridiculous overreaction. However it was the middle of the night and we aren't all at our sanest then.

You admit you learn things by trying and seeing what worked. How the hell is your dh going to learn if you don't let him have the same opportunity?

The only way to do it is to stay out the room usually to stop yourself from interfearing.

Also don't martyr yourself - make sure he deals with the consequences of what he does. SO if there is a soaked mattress then he deals with it adn finds a solution.

If you don't get a handle on this now then it will become a bigger problem in the future.

BTW 4 months old is perfect age for sleep regression so not unusual that her sleep becomes disturbed.

It's such a difficult one because as you say he is her parent too, but you know what will work and what won't as you do it most of the time.

With something like that I maybe would have left him too it, as long as dh wasn't going to get her all riled up and upset by changing the nappy and then expected you to settle her back to sleep. If he will stick it through then let him, and maybe the next day say something like "wasn't dd unsettled last night, perhaps she didn't like the cold air when her nappy was changed" or some other rubbish that doesn't sound at all accusational but might plant the thought that changing anappy isn't a good idea.

It's horrible when they have a no sleep phase isn't it, really hope it passes for you soon
x

I know, I do need to let go. It's just really hard when I hear her scream.

Thank you Armadillo, I think I needed to hear that.

As someone who has really struggled with this, to the massive detriment of my relationship with my DP at times, you NEED to let go.
I completely agree with the other posters, if you don't let him find his own way and make his own mistakes you will store up alot of problems for the future. Would you actually prefer him NOT to get involved? What would you feel if he made no attempt to settle her? How YOU deal with their relationship now sets the tone for the future so you have to tread carefully and let him gain his own confidence with her - it's very easy to undermine this when you think you are mearly helping out to show them 'the best way'.
Sleep deprivation is horrid - you don't need to involve yourself in rows on top of it.

I do want him to be involved Chunk. I suppose it's a bit like being a manager at work; it may be easier to do something yourself but in the long run need to learn to delegate ;)

But the thing is your not the boss, are you?! It's easy to fall in to the trap of thinking that as you are dealing with the majority of the care he is just 'helping you out' and that therefore he should do things the way that you would do them, but that's not fair.
You and your DP are a team in this, you might have slightly different roles but you have to work together. If you think there are better ways to deal with your DD then there are constructive ways to discuss things together - you might even listen and learn from his perspective too.
I know I might sound a bit corny, but since my DS1 was born 3 years ago I have gone about unknowingly undermining my DP with constantly taking over things he was doing, or not giving him chance to do them, or picking over every single thing he did for himself until he had very little confidence, and very little relationship with DS. It has been a massive struggle for all of us which could have been mostly avoided if I'd have been a bit more sympathetic and understanding of my DP's position. THings are much different with DS2, not perfect but I'm much more relaxed and it shows instantly.
It's such an easy trap to fall in to, and you haven't acted with any malice in fact you've wanted to help everyone involved. But the important fact is that you've identified that this might not be healthy in the long run so you now need to think of more practical ways to avoid it for your family.