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Original poster

If you're a SAHM having kids round, how much reciprocation do you expect from other parents?xpect

29 replies

Mo2 · 21/10/2005 16:30

DH & I both work full time
I have one afternoon when I finish early and pick DS up, but usually use that as 'my time with him' together.

DS is a popular little lad and is always getting invited to his friends houses after school.
One friend in particular has him every week and says she is happy to do so, as it keeps her son entertained.

But I often worry that if the tables were turned I'd be resentful that my children weren't being invited back?

Another friend of ours goes out of her way to ask to have DS over on inset days etc - again says that it's 'company' for her (only) child.
She won't take any money or anything, so I usually give her a nice bottle of wine or something.

I know it doesn't sound like much of a problem ('lucky me to have helpful friends'etc) but I reaklly don't want people to think we're taking them for granted - we're not, it's just we can't reciprocate in the same way.

We could have kids over at weekends, but to be honest I see that as the only precious time DH & I have alone with the kids as a family, so I'm keen to preserve it.

What do you think? Am I fretting over nothing? How would you feel if your were the Mums having DS all the time??

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Original poster

Mo2 · 21/10/2005 16:30

whoops - random 'xpect' in the title there...

OP posts:

iota · 21/10/2005 16:33

I only ever have kids over on a reciprocal basis - I prefer not to have them actually, but do it because I feel obliged to

Does that make me a horrible person? (not that I care)

Twiglett · 21/10/2005 16:35

nope .. I love having other kids round and so does DS as it keeps him occupied .. I don't keep score

for the past month or so I've been unable to watch my own child and friends have had DS every evening after school .. they don't resent it

I seriously wouldn't mind at all .. but would invite him / them for a sleepover at the weekend maybe or even just a playdate because your DS will enjoy it

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Twiglett · 21/10/2005 16:36

DS used to ask 'who's coming to my house today?'

now he asks 'who's house am I going to after school?'

(not that I know as I've been away from him since Sunday ..but will see him tomorrow .. YAY)

compo · 21/10/2005 16:38

I think it is fine what you are doing as log as your friend knows that if she was in a tricky spot (like Twiglett is in) you would be willing to step in and help

buffytheharpsichordcarrier · 21/10/2005 16:48

i feel that having two children to look after IS often easier than one. bottle of wine good idea, what about the occasional sat morning? or invite whole family for lunch?

iota · 21/10/2005 16:50

I have 2 children of my own, who play together - -so when a friend comes round the dynamic changes and someone gets left out -- 2's company 3's a crowd.

TheDullWitch · 21/10/2005 16:53

There are children who I know have parents who both work full-time and can never have my son back. But that is the way it is. I'd rather my son saw a good friend than I started keeping score. You could invite one over for a Sunday afternoon play, surely. Or if you're going to a movie invite friend along too.

spidermama · 21/10/2005 17:01

I think if the parents in question were bothered they'd stop inviting your ds, so I wouldn't worry if I were you.

PollyLogos · 21/10/2005 17:03

Well I always prefered to have children around than have mine on their own as they all had a great time with company and fought all the time when they were alone together. so I have never minded having children around.

Also, in my experience, parents of children with no siblings like to invite other children around so their little ones have a fun time with company their own age (rather than playing with mum and dad all the time)

noddyholder · 21/10/2005 17:05

I often have more kids over as I have only one child and don't work and I have never minded although when certain people have taken the p a bit I have made it clear that i am not a babysitting service!But that is not your situation and a bottle of wine is fine

flashingnose · 21/10/2005 17:30

I wouldn't mind if I was the SAHM, but I'd mind in your position IYKWIM - it wouldn't sit comfortably with me, even if I'd given her a bottle of wine. What about doing someting like a cinema trip or bowling once a term where you can take DS and his friends out for a nice long stretch and make it clear to the parents that it's your reciprocation. Also tell them that you are happy to be "on call" for them for emergencies at the weekends - they'll probably never have cause to phone you but will appreciate you offering.

Just MHO .

auntymandy · 21/10/2005 17:43

I dont expect to be invited back. But maybe you could have a little tea party one Saturday afternoon for both these friends? just once every few months as a way as a thank you?

Willow2 · 21/10/2005 17:51

I don't keep score - but understand why you're feeling a bit awkward. More importantly though, wouldn't your son enjoy having his friends over every now and then? I know it takes away from "family" time, but I think it's good for the kids. Yes, my ds loves going to friends for tea - but he also loves having them come to his house too. Maybe you should ask yours whether he would like to invite someone over and see what he says?

bobbybob · 21/10/2005 18:03

Ds is an only child, so I love having little friends over for him. I have a friend who had twins at the same time as I had ds and now has 3 children. I would pay her to bring her son over - actually I would pay her and pick him up as he plays and talks well with ds. I am hoping to borrow him to toilet train ds.

So no, I don't keep score for having friends around. But I do keep a babysitting tally (but the other way around, nobody asks us to reciprocate so I don't feel I can ask again).

bobbybob · 21/10/2005 18:04

But maybe if she is always feeding him etc. a bottle of wine at Christmas would be nice as a thank you.

HRHQoQ · 21/10/2005 18:18

I personally wouldn't worry about it too much, but it you really feel you have to do something, why not invite them over once in a while (doesn't have to be often as I understand it's "your" time) at the weekend?

Pinotmum · 21/10/2005 18:19

It's the other way round for me. I am the working mum who always has the friend of the sahm over. The mum oftern says oh xxxx will have to come to us but never follows up. I'm now not inviting anymore as on the last ocassion she turned up 45 mins late to collect her dd when she knew I had to go out and then never invited my dd over (again!) Maybe she doesn't like my dd Grrr!

Gobbledispook · 21/10/2005 18:40

I don't 'keep score' but then I don't really have to because we all do tend to reciprocate.

I think if I were you I would do something with one of ds's friends though - something on a Saturday afternoon one weekend - cinema or bowling followed by tea - if it's extra special it makes up for the numerous times the other parent has looked after your ds but you don't have to do it as often. I think, as much as anything, it would be nice for your ds. My ds's love having their friends do things with us as much as they like going to others' houses.

frannykenstein · 21/10/2005 18:42

I agree, once in a while (say once every 6 weeks) have him over for a good stretch, i.e. most of a day, or if appropriate, to stay the night as well. I understand that the weekend is your special time, but at the moment you are not reciprocating because you don't want to, rather than because you can't, and I think that is taking advantage somewhat. Sooner or later your friend will probably think so too...

KBear · 21/10/2005 18:44

I don't expect anyone to reciprocate. I invite them because my DD likes it and I don't mind at all. You don't give to receive IYKWIM.

I'm sure your friends are only too pleased to help out Mo2 - some people do things just to be kind not because they want something back.

Flowertop · 21/10/2005 19:53

I think the fact that you say you feel guilty and buy the wine is great. I have people who don't reciprocate and don't say anything but I have their kids over to help my DS1 with his social skills. If they were to say 'sorry can't have your DS cos I work FT and here's a bottle of wine' I would be really pleased. XX

NotQuiteCockney · 21/10/2005 20:35

I like to feel appreciated, if I'm doing these things, particularly if I'm doing it at a time that's good for them, rather than on my convenience.

I have one friend, whose DS I've taken a few times, and I took after school (briefly) every day for a week, to make her schedule easier. She gave me a bottle of olive oil and a jar of jam at the end of the week. That was a really nice gesture.

Another friend, I took her DD once after school and another full afternoon - the after school time was because she needed childcare cover. They can't reciprocate in the week, but I did suggest it would be nice if they took DS1 a bit, one weekend ... no sign. (I asked the same friend to keep an eye on DS2 at a birthday party once, and she singularly failed to bother.) So I'm not very inclined to have her DD again, although she's no trouble ...

Original poster

Mo2 · 21/10/2005 20:45

ACtually I suppose I have painted it a bit one-sided.... We DO have their boys over occasionally at weekends (one coming for a bonfire party and sleepover soon!), also we both have kids in nursery, so if my DS is at hers then I pick both kids up from nursery on the way home.

One of the other kids is a slightly different kettle of fish - I'm not sure DS is really THAT friendly with him really (although doesn't dislike him...) but then it's the Mum who is really driving it.. think she thinks my DS is a good influence on hers ( - shock!) but my DS doesn't really want to invite him back when I ask him...

The other, slightly irritating side to all this is that DH works from home, so if DS goes to a friends after school, it's DH who 'benefits' from the extra 'time', but he NEVER bothers to invite any of the kids back - it's left to me to try to keep tabs on it, and reciprocate..

OP posts:

stripey · 21/10/2005 21:02

I think some people like having other kids round after school and others don't. Unfortunately I hate it mainly because ds1 is totally hyper if any of his friends come over and always has been. I actually stopped seeing the mothers from my antinatal group because I couldn't cope with a house full of kids and ds1 screaming and showing off.

Lately a few friends have invited him back after school but it has been a hassle for me as I have had to collect him which disrupts ds2's dinner and means the kids get to bed late etc. I do feel I have to reciprocate though so tonight we had a friend over and they squabbled and argued. I much prefer just having ds1 & ds2 who play fantastically together most evenings.

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