Should you reliquish control when dd in gparents care?

[ems147]

My partners parents, his mum to be specific I think can be quite over bearing/ enthusiastic she dotes on our dd! It's quite sweet to see, except that she can take it too far sometimes there was an occasion where she took dd off me when she was crying to soothe her ( this was back when dd was few months old)

and when me and dp have had discussions over parenting techniques eg controlled crying she has basically given guilt trips about using these techniques like "she will wonder why mummy doesn't love her anymore"

the most annoying thing is how when she looks after our dd when I'm working I feel like I reliquish any parental control like her routine dd has basically goes out of the window, dd never has a nap when she looks after her, when normally she will have at least an hour at the least with us. When I ask if she has had any sleep I get told she didn't want sleep she wanted to play.

The one occasion that really got to me was when she looked after dd on a sat night while me an dp went to a wedding. We found out that they had gone for a meal with our dd -( not an issue ) but stayed out til 10pm keeping her awake, so they could have their usual weekend meal out. Dd is 12 months btw.

Whenever I hav mentioned any of my issues I hav been greeted with the "were doing you a favour" speech. And if u don't like it find someone else to have her.

I would really appreciate an honest opinion, am I an overbearing mother or should I be able to set boundaries while dd is in someone elses care, or am I overeacting a little?

TBH as long as you DD is ok and you dont have major issue's Id accept the help and let them get on with it.
My MIL is lovely but I know she would love a hour by hour routine for the DC's when she has them and it taken 6 years for her to accept that my kids arent 'routine' and are happy to go with it.

I work 2 days a week she only has her for the one though, and dp sister has her for the second.

My son gets looked after my MIL two days a week and yeah there are differences but I pretty much let her get on with it while hes there.

The way I see it, if he was at nursery then he would be going by different timings and rules etc and its not a bad thing for him to learn that different places do things differently. Yes it is annoying sometimes when my sone comes home over tired because he hasnt had his nap but its only two days a week and MIL loves him and is doing us a huge favour.

The daytimes are a bit different maybe, although I still wouldn't get upset about it. MIL may love having her, but it is still a huge favour to get free, reliable, loving childcare.

When they are babysitting in the evening then it's up to them how they do things I think. DS recently stayed with my parents for a weekend (he is 2.7) and I left it entirely up to them how they did things. They prefer to eat later than we do, so made sure that DS had a nap in the afternoons and then had dinner and bedtime later than he would have them at home. Their decision.

If you are using them for childcare then you have no choice. If you want to set the rules you need to find a suitable place and pay. (sorry ,sounds a bit harsh but if they are doing you a favour they can do it their way).

Does your dd come to any harm with them? Do they love and care for her? Does she like spending time with them?

If so I'd step back and let them get on with things.

In a situation like yours, I don't think she is going to respect your rules so I wouldn't be using her for childcare or asking for favours of babysitting.

I'm lucky in that my Mum and MIL respect me and would not go againsyt my wishes to that extent. I also let some stuff go at their house that I wouldn't necessarily allow.

At the end of the day, if you are not happy, you are free to find alternative childcare.

That said, it is not unreasonable to expect someone to respect your 'non-negotiables'. Many things you can be flexible on and recognise that other ways are not actually worse than yours, just different, and be ok with them being done differently. But there are some things that you may feel so strongly about that you must insist are done (or aren't done) and if they can't - then perhaps it's time to pay for a childminder / send the child to nursery.

tbh, if someone pulled the "I'm doing you a favour" shit every time I dared step out of line, I would be doing what they said and finding someone else!

See when we were little, time with GPs was always for spoiling, lack of routine, staying up late (unless school the next day), etc etc.
I actually think it's a bit mean all round to try and make GPs stick to rules. They did that bringing you and your DH up, now it is time for them to be the fun ones.

I would send your DD to nursery if you want more control. If you get the 'we're doing you a favour speech' it doesn't sound like MIL values what you want that much.

My mum looks after my DCs and I was tremendously controlling about it when DD1 was little (most people would have said I was BU but there were reasons for it). As the years have gone by, I have relaxed - and now she does so much that I let lots of things go. You just have to choose between control or free childcare - I would go for the nursery option in your situation, but lots of others would disagree.

If it's one day a week, I would let it go.

My DSs (DS1 is 3 and DS2 is 16 months old) are looked after by my MIL one day a week and they go to nursery 2 days a week. I used to be very PFB over DS1 (locked horns with the ILs several times over it) and he did not go for a sleepover with them till he was almost 2. One of DH's big birthday was last year and I took him away as a surprise and the GPs had both boys for a week. They did things differently but both boys thrived and are happy.

There are things that they do that irk me of course. For example, DS2 still needs a nap but MIL often puts him down late so he wakes up late and usually it means it's a nightmare getting him to go down to sleep at night. Also, they get lots of 'treats' through the day. Watches lots of TV. But hey, they are happy and well looked after. My boys LOVE their grandma! That means a lot more to me than anything else. You will also find that as your DD gets older, you will probably be a lot more relaxed with her.

Does it matter if she sleeps at 10pm once in a little while? No, not really. It ain't exactly going to stunt her growth is it? I admit I count myself as one of these parents but I do think we now worry too much about doing things the 'right' way when in fact, there isn't. It's much better for your DCs to be flexible than routined to death (I admit I did that with DS1, I routined myself into a corner, funny thinking about it now but I used to panic if he didn't have lunch at 11am on the dot!).

Thankyou all for your comments, I think overprotective mum may now be my label! :-/ never thought that wud be me at all oops!!

I think I feel the pressure to do the right thing a little too much and take the routine an health visitors as golden and the be all end all.

My dd adores her gp! Really does and I guess that's the most important thing! She does alot for us I should be more grateful I think I just see alot more of her now than what I used too so things irk me more than they should. I wish I didn't get the were doing you a favour bit, that all started when i asked if they cud bring my dd back by a certain time to see my sister and was told no as they were going out for the day and wouldn't be back by then! It really annoyed me and I think i've been nit picking ever since!

Please tell me this gets easier!!

ems147 It will. Trust me. A year old is a difficult age as they still can't tell you what makes them happy/upset/angry etc so I think as their mother, you feel very protective, you naturally want to be their 'voice' right or wrong.

I found the whole 'letting go' a lot easier when DS1 could talk and I knew he could tell me (and GPs and other people) if he was hungry, happy, what he wanted etc. So I don't feel he is that dependent on me to make sure everything is done in his best interests!

And when you have DC2, it's even easier to let go as you have had the hindsight of your experience with DC1 and also, DC2 will be pretty happy as long as DC1 is there as that is familiar to them iykwim.

When my ILs take the boys for the weekend or sleepovers, unless I am picking them up, I leave them to it. I realised it's very important for the GPs to have that time as their own and not having mummy on the phone constantly asking how the DCs are and what time they will be home etc helps. It really doesn't matter if your DD has too much sweets / late nights out etc now and then. That's what GPs are for!

She's doing you a favour. if her care is adequate, let her get on with it. If it's not, find someone else to care for your child. That's really all you can do.

To be honest I think it is difficult. My ILs look after my DS 2 days per week and at first we did give them a set of instructions which we did discuss with them before they started looking after him.
The reason for this was so that they could keep his routine and to make life easier for them while he was only 18 months old.

Now he is that much older we don't to do this anymore and they can do what they want when he's with them as I know I can trust them to look after him really well.

P.S it wasn't that I didn't trust them in the beginning, more about getting used to him and not ending up with a monster when he didn't nap etc.!