Not sure we're ready for a teenager!

[nancy10]

My eldest ds is 12 this year. He is changing so quickly from a well behaved little boy into an argumentative sulky teenager.It has really caught us by surprise. Things like a basic conversation have been replaced by grunts, everything in life is unfair, he's developed an allergy to water and doesn't like anything I cook.
We live in a remote village which doesn't help because his freedom is limited unless we drive him everywhere. We have enrolled him at a weekly youth club which he really likes, I've started dropping him off in town and he goes swimming with some friends on a Saturday. He has had sleepovers with his friends, here and at theres. I don't want to start lecturing him but I can feel myself starting to nag. I so want to have a good relationship with him. Anyone else in same position or come out the other side who can give me some tips on how to deal with him without arguing?

I also have one of those soap dodging types.
Essentials to survive the teenage years.

1. A sense of humour.

2. To not get worked up when they break things.

My oldest went through a growth spurt in a short space of time and appeared to have no control over her limbs. She regularly fell over/into the most amazing things, broke the bathroom sink, lights, cups, glasses etc. To watch her walk/ trip/fall downstairs was like watching a slapstick comedy.

3. Flexibility.

4)Still having 'house rules' and sticking to them.

They still need boundaries and to know what is expected of them. They will often tell you how cruel you are, as X, Y and Z's parents let them do whatever they like.

5. Family time.

They will want to spend more time with their friends but we as a family also make sure we spend time together each week, agreed in advance and have fun together as a family. I know of lots of my children's friends who spend very little time in the company of their parents, not even eating meals together at any point during the week.

6. Remembering you were a teenager once.

It helps to understand what they are going through and also to warn them you know how their devious minds work as you've been there, done that. I've told mine about my underage drinking in pubs and other such behaviour, because it gives you the opportunity to discuss these things and get their opinions on the subjects.

7)Enjoy them being a teenager.

It is a fantastic stage, they are so funny and interesting. They are half child/half adult and I love my three to bits.

8)Remember them when they were cute.

For those stressful and annoying times, I keep photos of mine on my fridge of when they were cute and little. I focus on these images when faced with the grumpy, screeching and at times self centred versions, are driving me loopy.

9)Get a dog.

When you return home, your average teenager will not even acknowledge your existence, except to perhaps ask what is for dinner and can you take them to such and such.. My dogs on the other hand are always pleased to see me, greeting me ecstatically, even if they only saw me 5 mins ago and want to spend time with me.

10)Being there for them.

I have made it clear to mine that they can ask for help, no questions asked, whenever. This is for times when they might have lied about where they are and need help or they or their friends are drunk, injured or needing to get home safely. It means I am always on standby for them when they are out, but my parents did the same for me and my brother and we always told them where we were going, even if it was somewhere they didn't really approve of.

Watch Harry Enfield's Kev sketches, you will see them in a new light!

We have a 16 year old DD as well as the little ones. I find it best not to think too much about it in the sense of if I stop to think "I have a 16 year old" then I quite frighten myself best to just take each day as it comes. In addition dont expect too much of them, dont judge them by your standards. I get most irate when I think "you do nothing for the family, or you dont care etc" best just to try and accept that they are teenagers and have their own angst and worries that they cant control and go with it they do come nicer again in time.I remember many days of just feeling yuk and miserable and just totally out of sorts as a teenager and had no control over it so I just assume she does too. On the other hand I am very suspicious all the time - just in case and we are firm if we think she is trying to pull one over on us. She does need to be reminded of the boundaries and I do think they are happier when you do, there have been times when I actually think she has been quietly relived when we have said no to her doing things as she has been able to blame us to her friends rather than admitting she didnt want to do something or was too anxious to. Good luck they remain deep down the children you brought them up to be.

Try to focus on what really matters and learn to turn a blind eye to some of the rest. Have a few things which are non-negotiable depending on what your priorities are- ie for us its'homework done properly- more important than whether bedroom tidy. Have a teenage DS 14 who was shower shy for about a year and then discovered Hollister shower gel and a new hairstyle which means he has to wash it everyday- now we can't get him out of the bathroom! Learn to listen to whatever he wants to talk about- it may be some boring rubbish about how the new theme background on his ipod works, but just sit and listen to him! Focus on one thing at a time. We tackled the balance between schoolwork/chores and TV time/x box first, once that was established we seem to have sorted personal hygiene! Now we are working on helping out with the chores.....going slowly...