How to stop DDs developing eating disorders

[Isthreetoomany]

Not sure I am posting this in the right place...have also posted in mental health.

I had an eating disorder from the age of 10 through to 20 years old. In the end I had CBT whilst I was at uni,and now consider myself recovered (though I do take certain precautions to avoid relapse, eg have no scales in the house, try not to over think what I am eating).

Fast forward a decade and I am married with 2 young daughters, and am worried about how I educate them about healthy eating without putting them at risk of an eating disorder, as I do not trust myself to use the right language/think I may send the wrong messages about food...

DD1 seems to naturally love healthy foods which is great, but it is harder with DD2 as she is a real pudding lover, and I am not sure where to begin with talking to her about why she cannot live on puddings alone!

DH is unaware of my previous ED, and he strongly believes children should eat everything on their plate, but I am not sure this is the right approach...I think part of the problem is talking to the girls about healthy eating will refocus my own attention on food - which I try not to do.

I have tried googling but not found any info for recovered anorexic mothers. Any advice/links would be much appreciated.

My mum is anorexic and had bouts all through my childhood - it was never hidden from us and none of my siblings have developed an eating disorder. Mum was always relaxed about us eating, we ate when we were hungry basically. We have discussed it as she still gets ill and it is now an issue with my DCs. She said the hardest thing was not getting obsessed about us eating and making sure that she didn't get anxious around mealtimes as she didn't want us to have anxious around food. As we got older, mum spoke to us about eating disorders and body dismorphia and encouraged us to speak to her. As it was just part of family life it was never an issue to us.

TBH I think speaking to your DH is going to be a big part of this. Dad always took over feeding us when mum was having a bad patch so that we weren't affected by mums obessions around food.

Have you tried sure start centres? My local one does a 6 week 'fit for life course' which you do with the DCs and it covers exercising, healthy eating and generally maintaing a healthly lifestlye.

maybe model the eating behavour you want your children to have but i know this can be hard.

Thanks for the suggestions. Will look into the idea of Sure Start.

Monkey - it is very reassuring to hear that your mum's illness has not affected you or your siblings. I think I had been 100% assuming that my DDs would be bound to have similar issues to me (also I am sure that my own mum has had food issues herself too, which fuels my assumption my DDs will become ill). Perhaps oddly, the idea of being completly open with my DDs about my past illness has never even occurred to me. Do you mind me asking you how old your children are and how you explain your mum's illness to them? My girls are 3 and 5 so I imagine that they would be far too young to take the concept of an ED on board.

I do appreciate I probably need to find some way of explaining my past illness to DH, and how/why it is now affecting my confidence in dealing with the girls' attitudes towards food. I would far rather avoid talking to him about any of this, and just address it if I need to when the girls are teenagers...partly becuase I feel that talking about it with him and refocusing on discussions about food will open up a can of worms that may make me vulnerable to relapsing into old behaviours.

Thanks again for the suggestions - I am really surprised there is not more info on this topic as I had imagined there would be lots of other mums who have similar issues to me.

My girls are 1 and 2 so I haven't spoken to them about it yet! My mum just answered questions as we asked them as she did with everything else - i think i was about 6 when i first asked why mummy ate funnily (mum deals with her anoxeric by having lots of food rituals) and she just said she had a illness that meant she had to eat that way. I was a teenager when she actually sat me down and talked it through properly. I think my two will probably not notice as we rarely eat with mum anyway but if they do i will just answer honestly. What really helped me as a teenager actually was being told exactly how much editing is done to those photos in glossy mags!

I would imagine there are people in your situation - have you tried asking your HV? She might know of groups? And tbh if you have your ED in control your DDS probably won't notice anyway. I know my two DDs don't care about what i'm eating as long as there is an endless supply of fruit, youghurt and cornflakes for them (hey its a balanced diet)

FWIW, I found my own Dads insistence that I finished everything on my plate damaging - it taught me to override my body's signals in order to please...

OP, ould you not seek individual support - say 12 weeks 1-2-1 counselling with an ED specialist to help you form strategies for this? So much easier to talk it over with a clinially disinterested party than someone with their own relationship to your DDs and food, IMO.

I really sympathise b/c I put off having childers for years, in case I got a girl and accidentally taught her to hate/ starve herself... Have got a partner who symathises and counterbalances, been through a course of therapy, and like, a million books discussing (mentally) 'healthy' relationships to food and eating to help me artiulate well with DCs... had a boy, so not quite as anxious, but still very prepared and consious...

Haven't tried asking a HV about groups - tbh I don't think I have a HV now that my youngest is 3, but I will ask at the local Sure Start as I believe they have one there.

Sparklyboots - It is so difficult being so hyper aware of the need to impart the right messages wrt food, well done on all the ground work that you did before you had DS. I expect you are right about 1-2-1 with a professional being the most useful environment in which to formulate a strategy, but I doubt I would qualify for any counselling as, clinically speaking, I have my ED (anorexia) under control as I am now a normal weight. It would also be very difficult for me to go to any kind of counselling without DH being aware of it. However I would easily be able to buy a few books - do you mind me asking whether there were any particular books that you found most helpful? I've had a look around on Amazon but there are just so many (like you say, a million!) and I have no idea where to start.

I actually find the stuff aimed at overeaters best, because it deals with the things I am frightened of doing -losing control etc- which is why I kept myself on such a short leash and developed anorexia. I'm also concerned that stuff about anorexia would be triggering.

I first read Fat is a Feminist Issue - Suzie Orbach is just great about it all, so I'd recommend her stuff. Geneen Roth is lovely, too, the relaionship she teaches people to have with food is wonderful. I also found Buddist writings on meditation and acceptance very useful, esp. 'going to pieces without falling apart' by (I think) Mark Epstein and this was very useful for approaches to parenting in general (it's not about parenting but has a way of thinking about holding yourself or by extension your child with love while allowing yourself to feel. V useful - I want my son to know that it's okay to feel whatever he feels).

I paid for my therapy, it was expensive so I could only go every two weeks, but I'm really glad I did.

Sorry, got distracted. Meant also to say, I didn't talk about my therapy with anyone, except DP eventually - though I started it before we were together. Are you sure you're sure you can't discuss it with DP? It would be useful at least to have a third party to help you and he come to some agreement over 'finish your plate' or not, etc.... Perhaps you can broach it this way? When I was 'secretly' in therapy, I'd say to people, oh, a friend of mine said x,y,z what do you think? Which is a useful way to get therapy perspective into converstaions... I also found it easier to say 'someone else thinks what you think is wrong' than 'I think what you think is wrong' because the discussion then is about the mythical other person and why they think what they think, rather than a direct challenge to the person (often DP!) that you are talkiing to.

Hope you find a way to manage, it's very scary, isn't it? Good luck

I have a DD and worry about this too. I second Susie Orbach - she was on radio 4 the other day talking about how to encourage girls to grow up with positive body image, try this link www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b007qlvb/episodes/2011] it swas 28th feb.

Sorry for typos am 1 handed. :)

I have absolutely no experience of ED, but...

I think that you and your dh have to sing from the same sheet - and he'll never be able to do that unless you can open up to him. He needs to know why you think the way that you do. If you can both get some eg sure start info on healthy eating/ healthy messages it'll be great for all the family. I also think that it'll be impossible to give your dds the right messages unless he is involved too.

Thanks everyone for the links/suggestions, have ordered the Fat is a Feminist Issue, and planning to contact the local sure start tomorrow when DD is at playschool.

I know I probably need to speak to DH at some point, but am afraid he will never see me in the same light again. We have a great relationship now, and I guess I worry that we would never be able to do a simple thing like go out for a meal again without him worrying about how I might feel (not a simple thing with young children - but you get what I mean!). Also as I am SAHM it would make me a failure to admit that I may at some point have issues dealing with the food shopping/family cooking. Basically I am very ashamed of my past ED although I know I shouldn't be...

TBH I can't see myself managing to speak to DH in the short-medium term; but I will certainly see if there is anyone at the sure start I can speak to in person and take it from there.

I guess my situation is perhaps unusual/more complicated in that DH is unaware, but it still seems like there is a big gap for mums in this situation needing support!