At loggerheads with DS's (7&9) school... sorry it's a bit of a long one

[glamfairy]

Hi, have been driven here in sheer deperation...

My 2 DSs (7&9) attend the same primary school. Approximately 2 years ago the school called me in to discuss DS(9) behaviour. He was very disruptive in class, very flippant with teacher and used to throw chairs about the class room and try to escape from 1st floor window. Needless to say SS were inloved and son was referred to Phsycologist for assesment. His extreme behaviour was put down to the trauma he'd experienced with his birth father who i had seperated from 3 years previous.
A change in teacher at the school had a profound effect on DS(9) and he settled down with a remarkable difference in attitude and behaviour. Thankfully he has kept the same teacher and life with him is now great.

THe problem I am now having is that my DS(7) has become super disruptive in class to the point where the school have threatened to suspend him for a week. We have been in to the school on countless occasions in a bid to help resolve his behavioural issues, however nothing we seem to be trying is working. DS(7) is rude and disrepctful to teachers and other members of staff, he will rock back on his chair with his feet on the desk and tells the teacher she can't tell him what to do, the list is endless.

We have figured out that he is only behaving this way when he is asked to do something he doesn't like; but I must point out that he doesn't behave this way at home or with friends.

In a bid to support the school in tackling his unruley behaviour, we asked them to supply daily reports. I can honestly tell you that since Christmas he has not managed to complete a week without being 'exited' from class.

We have tried to encourage his good behaviour with a reward chart (something we do with all 3 children) and we have even had the local PCSO come to talk to him about his behaviour and the effect it has on the people around him; but nothing seems to be working.

We have started to restrict his activities in the hope that him not being allolwed to do what he wants encourages him to behave better, but now i'm not so sure...

We noticed a trend, in that after a couple days of good behaviour he would be allowed to take part in an activity but then the next day would be horrendously bad.So we refused to permit him to tke part in a school trip to a local country park. We stated that we thought he should remain in school to make up all the 'lost learning time' from the past weeks. His teacher wasn't happy with our decision but did as we asked and he remained in school whilst his classmates went on the trip.

Today however on picking DS(7) up from school, the head teacher pulled DP aside to tell us that DS(7) had spent the day in her office because his behaviour was appalling whilst the rest of the class discussed their trip. The headteacher basically said it was our fault for not letting him go.

I am now at a complete loss as to what to do next. When talking to DS(7) he seems full of remorse for his actions at the time but then half an hour later he is acting like nothing is wrong.
The stress of waiting for the phone to ring with another story of his appalling behaviour is beginning to take it's toll on my health. I have a skin irritation that has flares up when i'm stressed and my right eye has started with an involuntary twich again caused by stress.

I'd be grateful if anyone out there can give me some advice on what to do next.

Thanks for listening

can you get him seen by an EWO? (Education welfare officer) or does the school have links with a counseller? If he really ISN"T like this at home then it would seem to be an issue with school. How is his academic progress? Some kids act up in order to deflect attention from their difficulties but I would hope the school are working on this. Please try and stay on good terms with them - whatever the problem is, working together on it can only be of benefit. Best of luck

Thanks Trixie, I'm not saying he is perfect at home but the behaviour is at school is in a different league.

His school reports indicate that he is doing well academically, but i feel that he is possibly struggling with his writing. I have queried this with the school and they don't think that it's anything to worry about.

I know there have been some staff changes in the school recently but i will make a point of asking to the EWO.

Thanks for the suggestion.

Is he known to the schools educational psychologist? It sounds like there needs to be an assessment of what's going on for your son (e.g. is he experiencing specific diffculties with his learning that are impacting on behaviour) and they would be able to help facilitate that process.

I have had a number of children like this in my class over a few years. To be honest, not letting him go on the trip WAS a mistake. Those children in particular need these activities to help raise their self esteem which can often the problem - even the gobby ones! While his behaviour isn't under control he won't be learning anyway. Our school policy is very inclusive and we are fortunate that all the staff are their to support when a child has an off day. A few thing we can implement are: child moving to another class until calmed down (interestingly they often just sit in the corner and are not disruptive!), child going to staffroom to calm down and chat with an adult (voices calm and non accusing, trying to listen to childs response but making it clear that the behaviour is inappropriate and they will be removed from the room if it continues), we have even got to the point of ringing parent but this is very much a last resort. The thing about leaving the room is that it takes the confrontational aspect of the behaviour away. While they are in the classroom flaunting the acceptable modes of behaviour, they are controlling the teachers time and for some children who feel powerless at home, control in any situation is something they crave. I give 2 warnings and then they leave....BUT the objective is to get them back into the classroom within 5-10 minutes. They don't get rewarded for poor behaviour by avoiding the work set!
I have one lad at the moment who can be a real handful but for some unknown reason he really wants me to think well of him and so a quiet bit of praise or reminding him that I know he knows the right thing to do seems to work....oh and giving him a hug when he wants one...he's only 8 after all! Each is individual and each has a different solution!!
Sorry my resposne is a bit rambling but I would be asking teh school what specific measures they are putting in place to support you and him.

Thanks everyone for your advice, it's given me a lot to think about. I shall let you know how we get on.