Afraid of my own temper...

[OnlyMe1971]

Hi,

I've been second guessing myself a lot lately and so my parenting hasn't escaped this. I've mentioned my behaviour to my DH and he thinks it's just about okay, but he is not objective in my opinion.

Long story short I grew up in a household with a large family, had 7 siblings and it was all very messy, noisy, lots of fighting, both verbal and physical - not serious but lots of pushing and shoving and slapping and stuff.

My Dad was very physical with punishment and I'm afraid I have a tendency also to physically lash out when I'm frustrated.

I'm totally against physically punishing children though, let that be clear, so if I feel this is getting too much, I will get help. I just need an outside point of view.

I have tapped my eldest son maybe 10 times on the hand over the past 5 years, mostly whne he was a toddler and very very frustrating. My middle guy who is 3 has had one tap on the hand and the baby nothing like that, BUT now I've become aware of a different kind of behaviour that i think may be unacceptable too and maybe just as bad if not worse.

It's usually when we're getting ready to leave teh house, always very stressful, dc's not cooperating, etc etc, and i tend to get really annoyed and end up shouting at them to "get your coat on NOW" or shooes or whatever. But if they don't do as I say I can feel myself get so angry and oftne end up forcing them into their jacket or shoes in a hurry but too rough if you know what i mean. This morning DC2, my middle guy, going through a really maddening phase, was just dawdling around and messing with the baby trying to annoy him etc and just not co-operating, so I went to nudge him towards his shoes and pushed him and he lost balance and fell. this has happened before. I've gone too far havne't I? It's not acceptable is it?

The other issue is where they go on a timeout for punishment. We have a naughty mat by the front door and that's where they have to go to cool off. Often they will just refuse to go there and I end up having to man handle them out of the room by the arm and put htem sitting on the mat. it doesn't feel right to do this.

So please, you can be honest, but I just needed to put it out there as my DH I think just likes to stick his head in the sand.

It's not good is it?

It's not good. Can you go and sit on the time out mat when you feel yourself starting to lose it.

I get really cross and shouty and just say RIGHT THAT'S IT and then I leg it upstairs, shut the door and try and calm down before coming back to tackle whatever irritating behaviour is going on.

But it's a battle - you just have to find different reactions you can use. Laughter can help. If you can see the futility of your situation when your toddler wants to take his shoes off because you dared to put them on because he'd taken twenty minutes to get one on. It is funny when looked at from the outside, so try and just laugh and breathe and move on. And if you can't run away. :)

Thanks, WMMC, you're right it is a battle. And MOSTLY I do react with humour, or try to diffuse the situation. Life is very stressful for us at the moment for various reasons but mostly just being a mum to 3 under 5 who are the sweetest little things in the world but who are just hard work.

It's always when we're in a hurry to leave the house that I get stressed out and inevitably, DC's pick up on this and act out.

I have left the house before now during my DD tantrum session because I got precious little help my hubbie, drove off, came back after half an hour, DD still screaming and shouting, hubby looked frazzled and was basically told to effing well deal with it, because if he had backed me up in the first place, it would have calmed down a lot sooner.

They are testing the boundries because they are kids, thats what they do, if you find yourself getting wound up, a quick walk up and down the garden path usually puts things back in perspective.

Have you tried the 'no food or drink till you are dressed' rule? It can help. I know it's not ideal if you have food spillages but if they are pretty much good to go as soon as they finish breakfast it saves a lot of farting about.

Sorry OnlyMe, I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to post to say that I don't think you're not alone at all in finding the frustration hard to deal with.

Last week DD (2 years, 8 months) was being a real pain at the dinner table. When she was eventually allowed to get down, I 'helped' her off her chair too roughly, she lost her balance and landed really hard. I felt absolutely awful (still do). I didn't meant to hurt her, of course, but it was as though I'd pushed her on to the floor. We both cried and cried, with a big cuddle. I'm certainly thinking twice now before I 'deal' with her when tensions are high. It's just to easy to over-power a little one, when that's the last thing you really want to do, isn't it?

I mentioned this incident to a few friends at a toddler group and everyone had a similar story to tell. Everyone without exception.

So, no of course it isn't good, but you're not alone. I'm sure others will post good advice on dealing with this, and I'll be eagerly reading! :)

Thanks for all your replies. I do feel so guilty and am probably beating myself up way too much and finding fault with myself. I try to do the opposite to what my parents did when I was young. But I do feel the anger in me and it sorta scares me at times.

I have been in terrible form lately so i'm thinking it's time to go and talk to someone about this again, as I don't want my kids to see me unhappy and to have such a cross mother....

We do have lots of fun together, but for me it's like I ruin those precious moments when I get angry or annoyed and am too rough....

This morning I yelled at my DS1 who is nearly 5 and he started to cry and I regretted it right away and apologised for being so grumpy. He is so sweet, he gave me 12 kisses for being so nice and to show me he forgave me : )