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Original poster

SO cross with dd 9. does this punishment sound fair

16 replies

catinhell · 03/03/2011 19:00

dd1 is nine this week. she has her party at the weekend, but a there was a friend who couldnt come, so she came to tea instead. anyway, dd behaved appallingly. no major incident, just show offy, bad attitude, smirking at me, helping herself to stuff from kitchen cupboards in front of me in a bolshy way without asking.

she wouldnt dream of being like this if she didnt have a friend over. i am steaming.

dh has just come in and has picked up her birhday cake. i feel like she doesnt even deserve to look at it.

now, i'm thinking that in order to prove a point, i'm going to say no more friends over to tea until the end of term. she already has a sleepover planned in 2 weeks taht i cant cancel, but i want her to know that her behaviour is unacceptable. hopefully if she sees that her sister is able to continue having people round, but she isnt, then she will realise that i do have boundaries.

what do you think?

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FlamingoBingo · 03/03/2011 19:03

I think it's reasonable, but you should warn her, and not think of it as a punishment.

You will not accept that sort of behaviour and if it is the having friends over that causes it, then you will not let her have friends over. She has one chance to prove that she knows to behave like a normal, decent 9yo girl when she has friends over, but if you ever have to experience that again, you will stop her having friends over until you think she's old enough to behave normally.

stiflersmom · 03/03/2011 19:03

I think it's fine. It's more of a natural consequence than a punishment, if you present it that way - her immature behaviour made the visit an unpleasant experience, so of course you don't want to repeat it until she can show that she known how to behave. You don't want to be badly treated in your own home.

My eldest is often abominable when he has a friend over as well. It's extremely wearing.

RoundOrangeHead · 03/03/2011 19:03

I would have taken the friend home

did you take her to task about the attitude?

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Original poster

catinhell · 03/03/2011 19:04

actually maybe i'll say no TV for 24 hours instead... a more immediate punishment. and then proceed to avoid friends to tea as well, but wont package it as a punishment, will simply say that i was so worn out by her behaviour last time, that i'm having a break from friends coming over

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GrimmaTheNome · 03/03/2011 19:04

I think that, as you can't cancel her party or the planned sleepover anyway, you use these as a chance to prove she can behave better. Make it clear to her that if she repeats her unacceptable behaviour at those then you will ban having friends to tea.

Original poster

catinhell · 03/03/2011 19:11

ok, maybe i'll stick with it then... slow typer. sorry

actually, there is a bit of backround to this... dd was new to the school in july and this girl had been a bit unkind to her, but recently theyve become friendly and i'd had wanted to build bridges with her, so def wouldn thave mortified dd by taking the friend home.

am pretty sure that this girl is not that straight forward, and dont want to encourage a firm friendship, but did want dd to get her on side.

having said that, i cant blame the other girl entirely for the possibility of influencing dd's behaviour, as even in front of her lovely old friends, she is sometimes rude to me.

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Original poster

catinhell · 03/03/2011 19:13

roundorange, i whispered in he ear in a threatening manner through gritted teeth but didnt want to show her up in fornt of the friends due to the history....

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Medea1 · 03/03/2011 19:16

Well with that background would have a quiet chat but wouldn't be cross

MadameCastafiore · 03/03/2011 19:17

You should address this behaviour when it happens even if her friends are there and I would not even try and foster this relationship if DD has to behave in such an unacceptable way to be in this girls favour.

A go and sit on the stairs for 9 minutes is just as mortifying at that age and shows your daughter that you will tackle her behaviour even in front of other people. Then when her friend goes you send her straight to bed. I woul dnever not tackle the behaviour the moment it happens - if you do this they will push and push and you will have to think of more extreme forms of 'puniushment'

Biggest shock to bpth of my kids when they have pushed me to the limit is sending them straight to be when they get in fron school - I didn;t shout at them just told that that they had to go to bed - they came down for tea and then went back up straight afterwards - behaviour improved no end!

Original poster

catinhell · 03/03/2011 19:22

madame, i do agree about acting immediately, but dd is at a new school and i didnt want to humiliate dd in front of a classmate who has the potential to be quite a tricky character.

the plan was to have tea then go to a sport club that they both attend, where her parents would collect her. to have curtailed the visit wouldve been quite tricky logistically too.

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Medea1 · 03/03/2011 19:23

Sorry, but having moved my children several times due to foreign postings, I must disagree with anything which involves humiliating your little girl.

Starting at new school as a new child is, as a sage old headmistress told me, like an adult attending a cocktail party where they know no one and no one has any social skills.

It is tough and your daughter needs support. I think you are right to build bridges with the not-so-nice girl for your child's sake, but don't underestimate the stress that entertaining a "Queen Bee" puts onto your - still very small - daughter.

Original poster

catinhell · 03/03/2011 19:29

wise words, medea. you know, thats why i didnt react too much at the time, as i wanted for dd to 'keep face' . i also dont want for dd to tell anyone that she isnt allowed anyone round beacause of how she behaved in front of this girl, in case it had repercussions.

maybe i will go for the seroius chat option plus no TV.

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MadameCastafiore · 03/03/2011 19:30

I don't think the other child would have seen it as you humiliating your child and I would have explained to the other girl that in this house we behave in a certain acceptable way because we are nice, well behaved, respectable people.

DD is not friends with the queen bee in the class - has never been one of the cool people and I really don't mind, the bitchiness and nastiness has passed her by and she is a nice little girl who can see through the horridness of other young girls and doesn't want anything to do with them.

I spent my childhood trying to be liked by certain people and acting in a way which I look back and realised was stupid and risky when it was at it's extreme and I have made sure that DD never feels like she has to act out to elicit friendship from anyone.

Original poster

catinhell · 03/03/2011 19:34

madame, i just couldnt have said that. dd wouldve been mortified.

i agree about not trying to 'get in' with certain people at school, but as medea said, its bloody hard changing schools, so not that simple....

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Original poster

catinhell · 03/03/2011 19:37

i'm going to collect her from club now. am glad she went out as i feel calmer now that i have vented.

will now be able to be sad, disappointed mum, rather than furious mum in a rage when she returns.

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MadameCastafiore · 03/03/2011 19:42

Ok - completely respect your point of view - DD also moved school in year 3 so am not coming at this completely blind.

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