I get so angry with my newborn dd2- Help

[pregnantpause]

I have 2 dds- one toddler and a newborn. at the minute i am at the end of my tether. my dd2 is so needy, she wont sleep unless cuddled and screams and screams when put down. i feel like i am a terrible mother to dd1 who now gets virtually no 1-1 time with me as i have to hold dd2 constantly or leave her to cry. im afraid to leave her to cry as so many people say that its cruel/damaging. the only time i do leave her to cry i for twenty mins when i do bath/bed with dd1. and i feel awful about that.
and because i am getting so little sleep a dd2 wakes whenever i attempt to put her down i am getting angry with her. unreasonable i know, but i just get so frustrated and find myself almost hating her. i have shouted at her and said/thoguht terrible things.
my dh and i are also at each others throats and have been since dd2 was born, which doesnt help.
is this normal? will it get any better? i really dont know what to do

It will def get better, been there recently ! a sling is good.

It will get better. The weather is improving (but still cold :( ) so wrap her up warm, put her in a sling, and get down to the park with dd1. You'll feel loads better :)

My son was like this. It went on for a while too so I would advicse going to the gp and venting, make sure the phns don't stop visiting you.

not much advice really, but the hardest year of my life was after dc2 was born. maybe that's not helpful, but don't berate yourself for not managing, because it is very hard. Suddenly, you go from role playing mommy to extreme white knuckle parenting, if that makes sense. or that's how it felt.

ask for help, be honest, tell people that you can't be alone for hours and hours and hours with a baby who cries and cries. I had to cope with this and I think it damaged my relationship with dc1. dc2 so needy that actually now my relationship with dc2 is very close.

Don't be ashamed to tell people that you're finding it hard. if people offer to help you say "yes please!".

It's really hard having two, I thoroughly sympathise.

From experience, I'd say get a sling and use it as often as you can. She will sleep on your chest for hours at a time while you get on with whatever you need to do, and it doesn't mean she'll never sleep anywhere else. As long as you use the sling, buggy and cot for her naps every day, she should get used to sleeping anywhere. Don't get a Baby Bjorn, people pay loads for these and then find they're uncomfortable and only last a few months till the baby grows out of it. I used a Hugabub wrap sling - as long as you take your time wrapping the baby it's not too much hassle, and you can get a perfect fit for your body. Why don't you start a slings thread to ask advice?

Secondly, do whatever works for your baby and drop the rest. She will change so much over the coming months that there's no point trying to force her into routines against her will. The best thing you can do is learn to tune into her wavelength. Do you have help looking after your older child? Help with food, housework, etc?

Finally I think it's worth your talking to a HV about whether you might have sone kind of post-baby blues, or even a mild form of PND. if you do, you can get lots of support so that you can start to feel less overwhelmed.

i have a kari me sling which is helpful but after so many weeks wearing it all the time it a little claustrophobic.
she doesnt nap really, just passes out on me, only to force herself awake ten minutes later. this goes on all day/ night except for one 4 hour stretch of sleep which usually occurs between 8 and ten.
its just getting so hard. i think i was unrealistic when i tried for a 2nd child because i am not enjoying this.
my dh is with me atm and will be till sshe is almost 12 weeks so it is not as if im alone but i still feel so lonely and scared.
my hv is horrible and ill informed and when i tried to vent my frutration/ ask advice, she told me switching dd2 to ff would help her sleep and i am needlessly exhausting myself by bfing.

(Namechanged as some of this is quite personal..)

Agree with much of the advice here. Slings were a lifesaver for me. You can also do a lot for DD1 if you chat/sing/tell stories to her while you are physically dealing with DD2, that helped me a lot when mine were that age.

Also re the anger, I do believe now that abnormal anger (i.e. where you are thinking "why am I doing this, this is not 'normal me'") can be a sign that there is something wrong post-baby (whether you call it PND or whatever). I have had some experience with that myself, also when I first had 2 DCs - used to get sudden fits of complete rage, to the point where it scared me as well as the DCs, and was worried about losing control - used to shout at them and then feel horribly guilty, like you. But then after many months I suddenly noticed that that extreme rage wasn't happening any more, and I felt much more "normal" again and was able to deal with the stressful moments with much more normal reactions. I think it was only then that I realised something had been really wrong before... If you think this might be you, then please do speak to your GP or a (different) HV, better to do something about it now if you can.

You also haven't said how much your DP is helping out? If he is around at bath/bedtime etc then he should be helping so you don't have to leave one child to cry, and he can also take charge of them both sometimes so you can get a bit of a break. You can also split up, one of you take DD2 for a long pushchair walk to get her to sleep and get some fresh air, while the other has some quality time with DD1. If he isn't helping out then I'm not surprised you are angry with him!

Finally - it honestly, really truly DOES get better. I am one year down the line now, and it's already hard to remember the worst moments. I promise you will be looking back on this in a year or so, feeling much more like you, and much happier and more confident with them both.

Oh dear, pp. I need to sort out dinner, etc, but will come back to you later.

...in the meantime, why don't you have a think about what things ARE going okay or even well, so that you can get a whole perspective on the situation - tis so easy to only look at the negatives.

my dp couldnt be more helpful. he always has dd1 and tries to give me a lie in in the mornings (dd2 always crying/fussing means this doesnt actually work)
his temper is also short though, and he has had to put dd2 down and walk away to calm down more than once. we argue because it is his opinion that if dd2 is fed dry warm and clean then we should put her down and ignore her cries so that we can (or indeed i can when he goes back to work) sort dd1 out.
dd1 has also started to have nightmares and is now having broken nights which doesnt help. thankfully shes not too jealous.
i love my girls but its just very overwhelming and i just dont know how people cope when alone with children .
sorry to moan so much, but in rl its hard to admit when your failing, so its easier to do so here.

How old is dd2? Hve you tried a dummy as well as a sling? Do you have a bouncy chair and have you tried swaddling? She might be screaming from being overtired - so try a sling and dummy to get her to sleep for longer stretches. If you do have to put her down, try swaddling and putting white noise or the radio on to help calm her down for a bit.

Hi Pregnant pause. Just want to send out waves of support to you. My DS is now 4 months old and things are already 100% better than when he was a newborn and I was struggling with him and my (then) 18 month DD.

I too found dinner/bath/bed time stressful because DS would be crying/whimpering for the full 90 mins that I was trying to feed, bath, read stories for my daughter. Putting him in a sling helped but also just accepting that he was going to have to yell his little head off while I sorted out my DD (he is now very smiley and chilled out btw!).

I had forgotten how flipping needy newborns are and that you can't just bung them in a bumbo or on their playmat while you get on with stuff.

But like I said, it does get easier as each week goes by. Having 2 very young children is hardest thing I have ever done but now days we actually even have fun. Keep going, accept that your baby will prob have to be left to cry sometimes and remember that when you are at the end of your tether, we are all there with you.

I just want to say that I also found that year after have dc2 the hardest year of my life. A sling is the only way to survive - dd spent the first 6 months of her life in a didymos wrap.

How old is dd1? Can you find some childcare for her a bit? I was very resistant to that, but my life only actually got better once ds went to preschool a year after dd was born.

Mine are 4.5 and 2 now, and things are finally getting easier. It is a long hard road.

I had this with DD2 never sleeping day or night, BF so no break from her. Turns out she had reflux, have you had your little one checked for this? Tho she only massively improved once she was weaned. I also had PND and it sounds like you might have it too, why not chat to your gp about both of you and see what they think. I felt such a failure taking the PND meds but after a month or two i couldn't believe the difference I felt like me again!

Hope things improve for you soon xx

When I say weaned I mean started to eat food, not that I changed to FF :)