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What's the right punishment?

9 replies

freakyzebra · 19/10/2005 22:47

Had a really rough time with DS1 (almost 6yo) this afternoon.

I say "That sounds like a good idea", because I'm glad he's thinking of other people.

He gets it into his head that we are going to buy the chocolates/sweets right there & then. He refuses to walk any further home until we go to the shop. Will not listen to reason or concede to my authority. Eventually moves but screams at his sister because she is singing. Has a another long refuse-to-move sulk further down the road.

It's not cold right now & my other 2 children were in a good mood, good about waiting for DS1, but this is really not on. I HATE IT when he holds the family hostage like this. He knows how much it drives me crazy when he refuses to walk (I try not to let on, used to bring a book when he was younger, but he KNOWS what a pain he is being). Took an hour today to complete a usually 15-minute journey.

Get home, he goes inside & starts throwing things around -- including a wooden board at his sister. For that gets banished to his room all afternoon. Where he threw things around & kicked the door. Also, because he wouldn't keep his door closed I start putting his toys in the loft (his room is pretty clear now). He'll have to earn them back with good behavior.

He had a snack immediately when I picked him up from school, so can't say he was esp. tired or hungry. I think he's just so over-excited about his impending birthday he can't think straight (am glad it's 1/2 term week, soon!).

Just wondered, do you think we punished him the "right" amount? In the "right" way to deal with the transgressions?

He's generally pretty good, but these sort of stop-n-sulk tantrums drive me crazy...

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
freakyzebra · 19/10/2005 22:48

Oh frack! Lost a paragraph when I finally posted that essay....

DS1 wanted to give sweets to his classmates on his birthday, that's what started the whole row.

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ScummyMummy · 19/10/2005 22:54

Ooof. Sounds like a bad day.

What happens if you just walk on without (visibly to him at least) looking back when he refuses to walk? When mine have tried that i've always said "Ok. We will miss you but we have to get on. See ya." They always rush to catch up within about a minute, max.

freakyzebra · 19/10/2005 23:03

He chose to have both sulks right at road crossings (see, he's not daft, at least). I can't let him cross the road by himself yet (at least he knows better than to try), so he knew that I had to wait for him.

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startingtobehalloweenylover · 19/10/2005 23:05

i have to tell the truth and say i would physically drag him over the road.
i would then give him the option of

a) coming with us
b) staying where he is

if he chooses a then all isd well and good
if he chooses b then he will nmot get any sweets for his class and he will be punished once you get home

it's up to him

ScummyMummy · 19/10/2005 23:15

I'd have crossed in that situation, zeb. In an "I'm totally confident that you are going to follow me" way. And if he didn't follow I'd calmly announce that, because he did not cross the road properly you will be taking away tv time/pocket money/whatever. I think he knows you can't bear being made to wait- quite rightly- and this is classic choosing to drive mum batty behaviour. You have to convince him it doesn't work somehow.

Lmccrean · 19/10/2005 23:28

Did you actually sit down and talk to him about it when you got home? My dd almost always gives in to reason, and goes quietly into the thinking cornor (naughty cornor, but hate that name) for a bit.

Got a book a while ago, the one-minute parent, i think it was, and roughly base my discipline on that, and super nanny lol. will double check title now..

freakyzebra · 19/10/2005 23:32

I have tried those things in the past and they haven't worked... I really wish they had!! He would have ignored me walking off until I was out of sight; then crossed on his own. But I can't leave him to cross the road on his own yet.

Got told off (got physically stopped from dragging DS, and told it was childabuse) when I dragged DS once in a shopping precinct. He really goes ballistic when manhandled, too. So it's something I only resort to very rarely.

Today, I threatened if he didn't start cooperating that I would not let him give out sweets on his birthday; well, he's not doing that now, that's for sure.

Also threatetned & have now firmly canceled a possible playdate next week. But still he wouldn't move. Thought about issuing other threats -- but didn't see the point, they obviously weren't working!

May have worsened to the tantrumming when he got home, though. Talk about a no-win situation.

I just wondered if we should have punished him worse/differnetly once he was home. But I felt like it should be a clear punishment done & over with (pretty much) tonite.

He is already banned from playing his fave computer game until his birthday (2 weeks away) because of being stroppy about going swimming a few weekends ago.

All of those suggestions would probably work with his sister or brother, btw, just not ds1.

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freakyzebra · 19/10/2005 23:34

Lmccrean: DH did have a long chat with him (starting about 75min after we got home). I wouldn't have banished him to his room but for throwing the plank of wood (and I mean a BIG plank of wood) at his sister. Lucky he didn't break the window with that manuever, too.

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startingtobehalloweenylover · 19/10/2005 23:35

ok well i think you're on the right line.

you have to give him the choice. he moves and everything is fine. or he doesn't and he gets punished.

so by not moving he is choosing the punishment. admittedly it is boring for you, but just try not to show it. just ignore him until he starts to walk again.
and as long as you are consistent with punishing him when he does it then he will soon get bored.

he probably likes the attention of you trying to make him come with you!

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