Should we persevere with nursery for DS (2.5)?

[Hopefully]

I am having a complete conundrum, and I just cannot decide what to do for the best. Apologies in advance for whopper post.

DS is 2.5, and apart from a stint with a childminder a couple of afternoons a week from 8-18 months or so (which I am sure he doesn't remember), has been solely cared for by me.

DC2 is due in 5 weeks, and a couple of months ago we decided that it would be good if we could get DS settled into nursery before DC2 arrived. Reasons were:

1. He seems to really benefit from the socialising opportunities when we go to toddler groups/soft play etc now, so I thought he might enjoy more socialising opportunities.
2. I coped fairly badly with the newborn stage with him (nowhere near PND, I am just a complete disaster on lack of sleep), so the idea of having at least 3 afternoons a week where I only had to think about one baby was appealing.
3. I was able to work (self employed) when DS napped from about 6 months of age, and if he was in nursery then hopefully I would be able to do the same again this time round, whereas there is no chance at all of working while DS and DC2 are around. We cannot continue to live on DP's salary alone indefinitely (our outgoings are ever so slightly more than our income, and we have made every cut it is possible to make, short of getting rid of the TV), but I can work in the evenings etc, and have local relatives who could probably help out one morning every couple of weeks or so for the forseeable future. Obviously this is less ideal (from the point of view of ever actually getting time to relax in the evenings, see DP etc).

1. DS will be eligible for the free 15 hours from next Jan (I think - it's the term after they turn 3, right?), which we had intended to utilise. Although I realise that's not for another 11 months.

We found an absolutely lovely little local Montessori nursery, which has no more than about 25 kids at any time, very gentle, lovely staff etc etc. DS really enjoyed the taster sessions we had (where I stayed with him), and kept asking to go back. He officially started 2 weeks ago.

The problem arose when I started to leave him. The first time I went I'm not sure he realised what was happening (I said goodbye and everything, didn't sneak off while he was playing). We have had about 5 sessions since then, and every single one has been worse - he is now anxious about nursery from the moment he wakes up until he knows whether we are going or not. Yesterday we (the staff and I) agreed that I would stay for the whole session, and then try to leave for 10 mins today. Again, he is totally happy as long as I am there (interacting with nursery staff, occasionally playing with other children), but as soon as I went to leave today, he had total meltdown again, and when I sneaked a look at him after 15 mins or so he was looking really wobbly and unhappy. Not actually crying though.

The staff have been lovely in trying to find a solution, very happy for me to stay as long as it takes to settle him, but obviously it is not realistic for me to sit in on every single session for the next X weeks (I will be going in for a c-section in 4-5 weeks anyway, which will call a halt to proceedings if he isn't settled). I am just basically wondering whether it is worth continuing. The staff and I agree that it is pointless to take him out only to try again in 3-4 months - if we take him out we probably wouldn't try again till next January.

Pros and cons of pressing on with nursery are basically:

Pros:

1. Aforementioned break from parenting 2 children, especially while recovering from CS (we can only afford for DP to take 10 days off work, but have family who will help out on odd days here and there after that. No full time help for me though)
2. The chance to start earning in a few months, rather than literally not being able to afford clothes (but, as I said, I could earn a teeny bit in evenings etc)
3. There seems to be lots of research pointing to the benefits of socialising/being in an early years environment from around 3, which he is only 6 months away from.
4. The nursery is absolutely lovely - I don't think I could find a better one.
5. When the baby comes, he might actually like nursery, as being with me at home, frankly, won't be as wonderful as it is at the moment (he currently has 1 on 1 attention all the time, we do a lot of toddler groups, messy play etc. This will, inevitably, change, as I will need to pay attention to 2 kids). Nursery wonder if this might make nursery more attractive to him in weeks and months to come.
6. I am worried that I (and therefore he) will be more nervous if we stop now and try again in 6/9/12 months' time, and indeed whether being any older will make being separated from me any less difficult, since he will have had a whole other 6/9/12 months of being looked after by me

Cons:

1. Ummm, we are both turning into nervous, gibbering wrecks, and despite my best efforts, I am sure DS can see how upset I am by him being upset
2. I really don't want to get to the stage where he appears 'settled' but actually has just given up crying because he has realised that his needs won't be met by me (read summaries of various bits of research about stress levels of kids in nursery being quite high, whether or not they are visibly upset). Obviously if I had to leave him I'd just deal with this, but the fact is we have a choice
3. I am feeling utterly wrung out by the whole experience - at the moment, looking after DS is far less stressful than having him at nursery, and I'm paying for the privilege of being this stressed
4. We have toyed with the idea of home schooling, and it seems silly to persevere with nursery if we're not intending to keep him in a formal education system (although this is a very vague idea, and I haven't done much research into it).
5. Although the nursery is absolutely wonderfully lovely, it is, at the end of the day, a nursery, and the ratio is not 1:1 at this age, so sometimes the kids have to be a bit self sufficient, and be a bit assertive if they want a nursery staff member's attention etc. DS is just not like this at all, and when I sat quietly and observed yesterday and today, I can see him fading into the background simply because he is not demanding attention from staff. He is not neglected in any way at all, but he certainly doesn't have someone's attention in the way he has mine at home (of course). I just wonder whether it is a good or a bad thing to force him into this kind of situation (whether it will make him more shy and upset, or turn him into a braver kid)

Basically I am just feeling completely lost, and I can't decide what to do. Any ideas/thoughts/more pros and cons/anything much appreciated!

Oh blimey, I wish I had a crystal ball for you to look into Hopefully. I can't imagine how stressful it must be for you both.

Have you tried DP dropping him off? Whilst I'm guessing this isn't a viable longterm solution, at least you will be able to see if part of the problem is YOU dropping him off. Then you can work out a strategy from there.

Maybe this isn't the Nursery for T. You may think it has got everything he needs, but maybe T doesn't agree.

Or maybe he's just not ready . I'm not quite sure how and when you come to that decision though.

Ok, I'm sorry but I haven't read all that.

However, fwiw I can share my own experience. My son (at 3.5) was very difficult to settle into nursery - crying, clinging etc. I too debated whether to abandon the project as it seemed to be causing him so much distress.

After one term he has completely reversed. He now loves nursery and skips in happily without even saying goodbye.

It did take the whole term for him to settle, and according to the staff he is still very quiet and passive. But he tells me he wants to go to nursery and that's good enough for me.

I put ds in preschool just before he turned 3 and then pulled him out a year later as he had never settled wishing I'd done it earlier. He settled into school well a year later with no problems.

What I would say though is 2 weeks isn't a very long time. CHildren can easily take a lot longer than that to settle in. How is he when you're not there? Does he calm down adn start to enjoy himself?

The only other thing is that he might get worse after the baby arrives if he starts get a bit jealous.

I would carry on with it for a bit longer as it would be very useful to have him in there.

If he's not ready now he might be better in 6 months or 2 years. IT doesn't mean you've blown your chance

Can you find him a childminder instead? You still get the free time and he gets to play/socialise, but fewer children and more adult attention for him. You might be able to find a childminder who can provide free hours when he is 3.

Thanks for responses so far.

Previously, he hadn't settled down when I left, but today I left him (for about an hour, but I actually watched for ages after he thought I'd gone) after staying for an hour or so, and although he cried just as hysterically when i left, he did settle down very quickly, and although he was a bit wobbly at first (I looked through window for a while), the staff showed me photos of him actually smiling (a first at nursery) and dancing with one of the staff when they put some music on while I was gone.

Armadillo I suppose I am worried about 'blowing the chance' at nursery - i.e. if he doesn't settle now then he never will. I know that this isn't really true, but I can't shake the worry.

Rita I have thought about going back to a childminder, but it's just that little bit more expensive, and I didn't know that childminders could offer free places from 3+, so I will look into whether any local ones do. Thanks for pointing it out.

The other thing I meant to say is that although I know I do a reasonable amount with him at home (messy play, toddler groups etc), I am still worried that him not going to nursery will mean he misses out on something that he could really enjoy - I have plenty of shouty bad mummy days too, and days where he watches far too much TV, and I know that while he's at nursery he'll get proper socialising and stimulation without those down sides.

In a way, I wish I just had to go and get a job and leave him, so I didn't have the luxury of twisting myself in knots about this decision! Or that I was fabulously hippy enough to be totally confident that even on my crap days I'm the best thing for him and he doens't need to go to nursery.

Leave him for longer periods - he may be better if you just left him for the whole session. Keep going. When I had my C-section my DD had been started at nursery a few weeks before and it was a god send. I have very little family help though.