Not enjoying being a mum

[Waytooslow]

Apologies for long post. Not sure if I'm posting in right place either.

I have a 14 month old son. Until he was about 6 or 7 months old I had post natal depression which manifested itself as anxiety and fear of being left alone with the baby to the extent that I could not do a night alone with him if my hubby was away. I NEVER got to the stage of feeling like harming my son. I had Prozac and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. Now he is 14 months, I feel much better and only experience the odd twinge of anxiety if he wakes unexpectedly in the night. I love my son, he is adorable and such a lovely boy. However, I feel like I simply don't like being a mum. I am back at work now full time and he is in nursery which is great as I hated being on maternity leave and left alone all day every day (even though I got out loads to visit NCT friends and so on) I enjoy spending time with him for the hour or so after nursery before he goes to bed, however at the weekend, I just feel like I really don't want to spend it being a mum. I find it such a chore to spend the whole weekend simply looking after and entertaining my son. My husband is great with him and shares in all the responsibilities but I still feel that I really want my old life back. I even struggle to enjoy spending time just playing with him and have to find things to do with him to make the time go quicker like visit friends, go out for walks or for trips and so on. When I talked to friends about my PND, they all said "but you don't regret having him do you" a statement not a question, but deep down, I feel like if I could go back in time and choose again, I would choose not to have a baby as I only enjoy about 10% of the time I spend with him. I feel so terrible about feeling like this as I'm so lucky to have such a lovely boy. I'm not after advice but just wanted to see whether anyone else has feelings like this as I feel so terrible and guilty about how I feel.

I'm really sorry you're feeling this way - it sounds very hard. I haven't got personal experience of what you're going through but I do think that toddlers can be hard work even if you're not recovering from PND. 14 months is still very young. As he gets older and he's better able to communicate and interact with you and express his personality, you might gradually find that you're not feeling the burden of entertaining him all the time, and that you naturally enjoy his company more without putting pressure on yourself to. Also, as he gets older, he'll need less in the way of constant supervision in case of falling over or eating random items etc. It really does get a lot easier.

What did you used to do on weekends before your son was born? It does sound that your free time is very focused on his needs. If you're working a full week too it's no wonder you're not feeling full of the joys of motherhood. Can you look at ways to get him to tag along whilst you do things you might have enjoyed (within reason!) before? Or maybe just generally slow down a little, and not feel you have to cram the weekends with toddler-friendly activity.

I know, you said you didn't want advice! But I do sympathise, especially when you say how guilty you are. You've had a tough time so far and it's not your fault - don't beat yourself up for the way you're feeling.

For me it was like being in mourning for my old life. It took a really long time to actually just accept my life for what it was now, and four years on I now find I don't actually like being away from my children (although it is more restful).

Looking for things to do to ease the boredom is a normal coping mechanism imo. It is certainly what I did.

Children get easier to look after when they are out of the toddler stage. 14 months is the height of constant monitering as they can run but have no common sense, so incredibly hard work.

Thanks for your replies guys, it makes me feel a bit better to know that other people have struggled. Mu husband keeps telling me that my life has changed forever and that I need to accept it, but when you are desperate for an hour to sit down and read the paper it's easier said than done!

Hopefully once it's warmer and my son can walk (he's nearly there!) we can go out and he can run around outside so it might feel a bit easier.

Hello there. Glad you are feeling a bit better.

I just wanted to ask if you ever get any time on your own? I have started having a run in the morning and it has helped my general mood so much. Is there any chance of a bit of exercise time? It makes things much more copable with. Or even an hour to sit down and read the paper - why can't you have this?

I know you're back at work but maybe you really need to be a bit selfish for an afternoon every now and then and do something for yourself. Are you too anxious to leave your DS with your DH while you go for a walk, have your hair done etc etc? You said you entertain him all weekend - that doesn't sound like you're sharing with your DH. It is hard to adjust an realise that actually your life isn't your own anymore, but do try and take some "me" time.

Also do you think there could be any depression there still?

Waytooslow, I had a few probs with PND and anxiety too so I know something of the place you are in now. I called 12-24 months the senseless age - it is really hard work and actually made my anxiety worse than when he was a baby.
My son is now 3 and things get easier all the time I promise you. We can play & do stuff together or he will play on his own or with friends and you get a bit of time for getting other jobs done or even having a cuppa and reading the paper without guilt or worry. He is a funny, sweet and cheeky little character and I really enjoy him. We do stuff together as a family but I also think it important he has time with DH - e.g. they go to waterstones to choose a new book or to play football etc. Likewise I can take DS out and give DH some me time to watch the footie.

Hi all

Thanks for your replies. I can definately go off and do things and leave little one with my Hubby - he's brilliant with him. In fact he only suggested tonight that I had some time to do my own thing this weekend so I'm going to think of something good to do. Exercise is out at the moment as I have a dodgy knee, but could go for a mooch around the shops or take a book to the coffee shop.

I do feel a bit guilty abandoning hubby while I go off, but I could do the same for him so we could both have a bit of time to ourselves.

I think the issue lies in feeling like life has to be all about the nipper now, whereas in fact you have to do your own thing and get some space in order to remain sain!

Was sitting around a table recently with two middle aged women. One was telling me how now is the best time when they are small etc (I have 3 under 4) and to make the most of it. The other just gasped - 'God no,I just about made it thru that stage!' She loved when they started school and every year there after esp when they were teenagers!! I guess it takes all sorts and you will be more at ease with some stages than others. He is loved and you are doing your best. Dont feel guilty about having time to yourself - he will only benefit from it. I get a bit lost sometimes and dont know where my children end and I begin. Those times can be the most difficult. When I take care of myself and keep myself sane they are infinitely happier because I am nicer/more patient/less stressed.

Please don't feel guilty for feeling this way: it's more common than you'd think and being a mum is hard and lonely sometimes.

My little boy is 13 months old. Like you, I had PND. It's a huge thing to recover from, and you can't be expected to just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and become a Stepford Wife with a game-show-host smile. Not everyone enjoys this stage - babies can be downright boring sometimes! You might enjoy your son more when he gets to school age, or when you can have conversations with him.

Do you all do things together as a family at the weekend? I know it's tempting to veg out after a hard week at work.

I don't have any useful advice to offer, I am afraid, but you are NOT alone in feeling this way, so give yourself a break, ok?

As others have said, it is hard. I went back part time and am somewhat regretting that I didn't go back full time as I find the days at home much more trying than work days (and I can't up my hours as they kept on my mat cover person as I said I was only returning PT). DS is 18 months and is getting to be more fun, better company but only very recently. I found the period 10months to nowish very hard because they don't sleep as much but still can't DO much. As he learns to walk it is easier to find things to do but that doesn't solve your problem of time to yourself. Sounds like you have a wonderful DH so do take a portion of each weekend to do you stuff - he will appreciate the time with his DS anyway.

I had very bad PND and I 'pretended' to be a proud. happy mum for about 3 years. I wanted to go back to being me - and not being a Mum. However, I then had a 2nd baby when my daughter was 3 - and all went well. I got all the feelings with my 2nd that I should have got with my first. It may sound mad - but I am sure it was the depression that caused me to want my old life back - the anxiety and the fear.

I wouldn't recommend having a baby to cure it though !!