Making a will but who to put as the guardian?

[bclaremums]

DH and I are making a will now we have a 7 mo baby. Do you have to specify one person to be the guardian if you both die?

It's really difficult as we would have to choose between his parents and my parents.

It would be tough telling one set of grandparents 'we didn't choose you' but frankly I don't feel that I'd be that happy with him growing up with either side - one set getting old and frail, the other with a few personality issues (very short fuse).

It seems a bit strange to choose friends, and we don't have any brothers and sisters except one much younger.

Anyone have any experience of this/advice?

I was worried about my short-fuse stepfather and asked two close friends without children to be guardian. They were surprised and said no. I thought about DH's family but they aren't local plus they already have children and I thought it would be really hard for DCs. So I put my mum down (haven't actually told her!). As my children have got older, they have spent a huge amount of time with my mum and stepfather and absolutely adore them. Stepfather has learned how to be a grandad, which has been lovely to watch, and mum epitomises the doting granny. TBH, they are the people that DCs would want to be with - it is what they would expect if anything happened to us. It was definitely the right thing to do.

I don't know if that helps.

When this first cropped us for us we discussed it with my parents who made the point that although they were happy with the idea then they were worried that, as the years went by, they might become too old or infirm to do it well (they were late 50s at this point)

We agreed with them they would step in if anything happened in the near future as DH and I are both oldest of siblings and no-one else seemed right at the time. BIL and SIL had a son about 6 months after DC2 and we all had similar standards so several years on we changed it with the agreement of parents.

We all felt same generation as us seemed most appropriate

Ugh, this is still an unresolved issue for us, mainly in that we feel that there is a financial responsibility for taking on our two lovely children that we may or may not be able to provide for, hence the unwillingness to ask friends. Grandparents are too old (70ish), and we did ask a friend who said yes, then came down with lymphatic cancer.

I'm not saying it keeps me awake at night, but I do think of it on occasion. I am interested to hear what other people have done. I'd also like to better understand what happens if we don't specify anyone . . .

Well, for a start you don't have to tell the set of grandparents you aren't choosing - you only need to ask the ones you prefer.

With our dc dh and I went for my sister and BiL rather than grandparents (due to their ages), or dh's brother and SiL (as they are not based in the UK and we wanted the children to maintain close links with grandparents). We also considered friends - I don't think it is strange, quite a few people I know have friends who are guardians rather than family.

I am also the executor of my sister/Bil's will. A few years ago they changed the guardianship of dn from an aunt to some friends of theirs. I was told (as executor) but we agreed not to mention it to their original guardians as it would probably upset them (..actually we've decided we really don't like your husband..). Hopefully they'll never need to know and if the worst should well I'll just have to deal with it then.

Absolutely the worst thing you can do though is not decide and hope your family will sort it out amicably in the midst of their grief.