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Original poster

(D)SS 14 making life hell!!! Help!!!

12 replies

finnbarr · 26/02/2011 21:08

My SS who's 14 was unceremoniosly dumped on me and DP after being violent toward his mom. I thought it would only be for a few weeks until the situation calmed down but it's been nearly a year.
Me and DP are recently engaged and ever since SS has been the most vile human being I have ever come across. He is constantly rude to me and his mom (we've become good friend btw-sounds wierd but we are!) and does nothing around the house and DP treats him like he is an adult. I am currently sitting in the bathroom in years because yet again SS has caused a row because apparently I don't treat him right. I am so angry at him because of the way he treats me! I get no respect and it's my house!! All I expect is a little bit of help and not a SS who think I am his slave. I am so close to leaving because of him and I feel like some horrible human being because of it!! Help!!!

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Original poster
finnbarr · 26/02/2011 21:10

PS. He was horrid before we got engaged as well...!!!

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CarGirl · 26/02/2011 21:14

Don't take it personally, he's a teenager.

However you do need your df to step up and stop treating your ss as an adult and to lay down the law with some rules and regulations.

You do need to choose your battles wisely though.

I speak as one who failed as a step parent and ended up leaving my marriage Sad

Original poster
finnbarr · 26/02/2011 21:20

Feeling like I'm failing already!! Just honestly feel like it's expected that I am supposed to accept it all and just get on with it. I know he's a teenager but I still can't help thinking that if I'd spoken to ANYONE like that when I was his age that I would have been in SO much trouble!!! I'd have had my ears boxed or something!!!
Feel like I'm starting to forget why I got into this in the first place!! The only thing that me and DF fight about is him and it's driving me nuts!!!

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CarGirl · 26/02/2011 21:24

You and your df need to agree house rules for ALL of you.

Have you tried this approach?

exoticfruits · 26/02/2011 21:25

Don't accept it. Have a serious conversation with DP and set ground rules. If necessary get outside help. If DP won't do anything I would leave him-harsh -but it won't work unless you act together.

CarGirl · 26/02/2011 21:28

I agree with exotic if you can't agree some ground rules that your dp will enforce then it's never going to work longer term.

Original poster
finnbarr · 26/02/2011 21:37

I know! I know he's a teenager and I know that most of it is attention seeking teenage crap and I've been told so Manu times to let it go and draw a line and disassociate but I'm finding it really hard when he's in my house and I'm expected to be a second mom when it comes to running around, picking him up, feeding him wqshing his clothes etc etc but when it cones to the discipline all I get is 'you're not my mom' etc etc. I am so at the end of my tether with him that I am constantly growling and am so utterly defensive around him it's actually unpleasant. I try SO hard to remember that I'm an adult and should rise above it all but the last time I had contact with a teenager was when I WAS one!!!

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Original poster
finnbarr · 26/02/2011 21:39

We've tried a contract between all of us-DF mr SS and exW and he literally stuck to it for about a week!! We've set rules again...and gain it's lasted about a week!!

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exoticfruits · 26/02/2011 21:43

I was harsh because I have been there and done it. We broke up and should have done it earlier. I learned that you must look after yourself and not be a doormat. Either DP sees the problem and works towards a solution or you should leave.It won't be perfect, but at least you need to be working with DP.

HattiFattner · 26/02/2011 21:56

then you have to play him at his own game. Clearly explain the rules as they now are between you and him - your DPhas no say in this.

Rule 1: "Im not your mum. SO let me show you where the washing machine is, and how to use it. Your laundry, your problem."

Rule 2. "Im not your mum. So if you are not home at X o clock, the door gets locked."

Rule 3. "Im not your mum. If someting is left on the floor/sofa/banister/kitchen units, its going in a bin bag."

Rule 4 . "Im not your mum. If you need to get to X place, you will have to a) ask your dad or b) ask your mum or c) catch a bus"

Rule 5. "Im not your mum. This is MY home. You are a guest, behave like one.

Rule 6. "Im not your mum, but I am the woman of this household, and if you pull your weight, I will make things really pleasant and welcoming and comfortable for you. But if you ever diss me or don't do as you are asked, then rules 1-5 apply"

Original poster
finnbarr · 26/02/2011 22:06

Love it!!! Thanks hatti!!!

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HattiFattner · 27/02/2011 08:36

Id also tell him, on the basis that you are not his mother, does he really want you to change his crusty bedding every week? Because if he doesnt, he better do it himself. Every Sunday.

Oh and Id get DP on side by saying you are not his mother either, so dad can ensure bedroom clean every week. I think after a few weeks of DP sorting out piles of washing up and hoovering etc, you will find DP more on your side.

All the time you allow them to get away with this bad treatment, they will continue to treat you badly. Start as you mean to continue.

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