Where does it go wrong?

[northerner]

Us Mumsnetters as a whole seem like a jolly good bunch with differing views, but we all love our kids and want the very best for them. I know I expect to have a wonderful relationship with my kids when they are older and it will all be rosy.

However, in reality, I know loads of people - friends, colleagues etc who don't get on with their parents, and sometimes wonder where it all goes wrong. What happens to cause these problems? Sorry if this is garbled, but the though of my ds in 20 years time saying he doesn't get on with his Mum would kill me. But it happens doesn't it?

Just interested in people's thoughts really.

During the teenaged years I should imagine!

I think it is supposed to happen this way in a weird sense. It starts as teenagers where children have to discover who they are as emerging adults. It inevitably leads to some friction within the household. It is the beginning of a breaking of the bond between parents and children that cause children to want to fly the nest as it were - and become independent people. It's a painful time, and I think it is sometimes messy teenage situations which can break relationships in the long term.

It's the hardest bond to break isn't it?

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I struggle with my own mother and I know how and why it went wrong. I'm the only one of her four children who is regulary in touch and I only do so because of guilt.

I was absolutely determined that I didn't want my children to regard me in the same way and so far, we're a close-knit family with great relationships. Ds1 is 30 and married, ds2 has a girlfriend, own flat etc and dd1 has just begun uni. I'm that rare creature who actually rather likes teenagers and I think it's of utmost importance to keep the lines of communication open. We've been through hard times but somehow we've come out the other side in one piece and now I get so much from our adult relationships and I think they do, too.

Someone did say to me recently that she felt we were an extremely tolerant family. I wasn't sure what she meant but she went on to say that she knows families, including her own, who would have been torn apart by the fact that ds1 is married to a Jewish girl and ds2's gf is Muslim, while we are (nominally) Christian. But I can't see the big deal...what are your choices? You can accept new people in your family with open arms; you can rail against it until your child gives up their partner but they'll probably resent you for a long time, maybe forever; you can turn your back on those involved until they 'see the error of their ways' but by doing that, you risk losing all.

I do wonder how much of a generational thing it is, though. All of my friends with adult children have decent relationships with them. 18yo dd1 says none of her friends have fallen out with parents in any major way and she actually gets on well with lots of her friends parents.

What,Pruni,your parents told you they needed 'me time'? (Time away from you in other words??)

PS Cringe indeed...

well i dont speak to my mum - thats becuase shes a nutter and was quite unpleasent to me as an adult. i get the impression that thats usually the reason - from my expreriences - its that the parent becomes a pain in the arse.

it all goes wrong in adulthood - you expect your son expect your 25 year old son with 2 kids and a mortgage and a job to come over and fix your wall, garden shed, hedge, shower, shelves.

your DIL is a overbearing freak who grows herbs and tells you often of the delights of home baking - and has an array of pinnis. she has a tidy pinni drawer.

their children are brats - and new dil doesnt take kindly to me wanting to spend my wages on pool down the pub - she thinks i should be heloing towards tarquin and farquars private school fees becuase i know how they are struggling. meanwhile they are jealous that my daughter pops in nearly every other day - little do they know i wish she would fuck off and leave me alone - but i always hear latest boyfriend this and boy friend that - shes 30. for god sake woman.

my youngest son saw the light and became a priest. ha haa haa haaaa haa haa haaa. and despite his love and forgiveness seems mortally hurt every time i go to confession and say " son, look, its ok if you want a shag"
" mum i forgive you he says go in peace"
" but ..son"
" mum..please"

see

parent expects grown up child to carry on doing as they are told?

long held secret dislikes and favouritism are more obvious when children are grown up.

grown up children have different ideas from parents, and parents cant handle it

well thats what went wrong in my case anyway.

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God - lots of lessons to be learnt here then.

I think people are just people and related or not some people just don't get on.

I find my Dad much easier to get on with than my Mum. I don't dislike my mum I just find her tiring - always apologising or fussing.

Um... I never got on with my mother, I mean I can't remember. Maybe before I was 3yo. I could write a long list of why, but can't pretend to be an objective witness, anyway.

I always thought that was the "norm" (everyone hated their parents) until I became a parent myself and blythely said as much & people were outraged that I could suggest that it was normal.

So I just my kids will forgive my shortcomings.

just "hope",
oh pooh, think I need to go to bed, that maths quiz wore me out.

I think it is important to encourage children to think about what sort of relationship they expect to have with each other when they are grown up.

my dear sister (unmarried and no children) has just accused me of wanting to jeopardise her job by inviting her to come and meet her 2 year old niece that she has never met yet. it goes without saying, that my sister and I have very different ideas about what sort of relationship we would have as grown ups.

yes me time makes me vom

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same stuff for me as nightynight said

I think it's hard, as a parent, to forget that your kids were kids. Because nobody, as an adult, wants to be treated like a three-year-old. But many parents do this to their adult kids. (I'm thinking of my MIL for this one.)

And my folks? They don't treat us as kids, and we get on ok with them, but they're not good at understanding that we don't have the same interests as them. (see my thread about not wanting to holiday in a caravan park in Canada)

My mum used to just gaze into the middle distance and ignore all our pleas for attention. I guess that was the only 'me-time' she got. Apart from the 8 hours at work of course