Help please - I'm not sure if I want to be a dad.

[reluctantdad]

Hi.

I've written this several times now. It's a bit difficult. I'm open to talking about my issue, but i don't want to divulge every detail of our marital relationship on the internet. I'm a bit worried about that. So i've decided (having written this several times) to be short on the details and background. All i'll say for the moment is this:

I'm recently newlywed husband. We've been together 5+ years.
I'm very happy. We're very happy.
I'm not sure I want kids. I've been open about this all of our relationship. At least i'm very worried about the prospect in at last 3 different ways. In no particular order:

1. Will I love it? I don't feel interested in kids. I avoid them, I feel no connection to then. But I do love my wife very, very much, and I know she would like to have the experience. I'm also very aware that other people's kids are not your own. It might be very different if we had kids, but i'm worried.

1. An age old question, but very pertinent for me. I'm passionate and fairly knowledgeable about the impact of population growth and climate change on humanity. It worries me that (bit sorry to bring this up and worry people) political and social breakdown as a result of these things could well happen in my lifetime. Like the next 20 years. Isn't that a good reason to just get on with being happy in your life (and enjoy the 'extra' money that you have - we're not rich)? Travel, see the world, that sort of thing?

1. The way I see it, in our current situation, we can probably only pick 2 of the following 3: Kids. Property (we don't own and can't afford just yet). Pension (yes, that MASSIVE elephant in the room for everyone and the country), and the accompanying retirement age that goes with it.

Now, it's important to say at this point that we're already seeing a therapist (4 hours so far, my suggestion) to talk about these things, but i'd like to dig a bit deeper. It's also very east to say 'Just get on with it, it'll all be fine'. Well, tell me that again in 30 years time and i'll shake your hand, but i'm the practical type and frankly, i don't have a crystal ball.

So here's what i need help with. I would really love the opportunity to speak to men that have kids, that never really wanted to have kids. I never wanted to get married, but it turned out to be the best day of my life, so i'm open to the possibility of being wrong about this. The difference is that a wedding lasts 1 day. Bringing up a child takes a lifetime. I'm really interested to speak to reluctant fathers who might be willing to share their experiences with me. I know there are other people out there like me, I just don't know where to find them. Then I thought about Mumsnet, and thought it might be a great start.

Ladies, there must be some of you who's husband's didn't REALLY want kids and have now changed their minds. I'd love to speak to some men who felt the way I do, especially those who shared my concerns (see above). I'd feel less weird, and less alone.

I hope you can point me in the right direction, it's such a terribly important decision, one that I think people take all to lightly these days (hence my concerns about population growth). I have an alias email address (to avoid spam on my main account) if anyone wants to get in touch, which I very much hope you do.

[email protected]

Thank in advance.

M

There are plenty of men who post on here. I suggest you repost this in dadsnet topic to get their attention.

I hope this doesn't sound too harsh, but you sound (potentially) like a journo trawling for quotes. So my apologies if that isn't the case, but I hope you can understand why we get a little sensitive to that issue.

From my experience, I don't think people make the decision more lightly now than in the past, and certainly I don't think anyone knows what they're getting themselves into before it happens. We have a lot of pre-conceived notions about what being a good parent is about, and that's probably an area where pressure has increased - potentially for both men and women over recent years. There really is no way to gauge this one but to jump off the cliff. I have three brothers. They all have three kids. The oldest one I would have said was not very bothered about kids but truly loves his own. The middle one I would have said is the most obviously kid-friendly and the youngest one has been through hell and back to have his children via adoption. I don't even really know what point I'm trying to make except to say, all three adore their children and are brilliant fathers but in different ways.

I also have [male] friends who didn't want to have more than one child, often for financial reasons. I think this tends to make more sense to men but that's based on a small sample. If I was completely honest, although I wish we could have had dc2 I'm not distraught that we didn't. Life is difficult enough for us in our own particular circumstances.

Good luck in your particular journey, ultimately you can only be honest with yourself and your wife about you want. You didn't get married for a day, you got married for life. This may be the same - I hope so.

Thanks for your messages. I can assure that i'm not a journo buy trade, although I do reserve the right to write about this someday if I choose to. I'm going to set up a different email account and post this on dadsnet, and hide this thread. please Encourage your partners to offer their experiences there. Thank you so much for any input you can offer.