Emotional, sometimes mean 9 year old; help!

[JennySC]

In Sept we adopted a 2nd child (young toddler) who is doing great. It been a major adjustment for our 9 year old. We have done our best to be understanding at her dethroning, but our older child continues/increases to be demanding, emotionally volatile, sometimes helpful and sometimes unkind to her little sister (eg tries to provoke the toddler until she hits out in frustration, to get her into trouble). The 9 year old is now sleeping in our bed, saying we might not love her, and has become rude to us and her friends. Calm, clear efforts at discipline and rational discussion bring on emotional outbursts with (pretend) hyperventilation and screaming "I'm sorry!!" with real (crocodile?) tears.

Feel we have gone on too long accepting this behavior, but not sure how to break the cycle.
Problem exacerbated by repeated illnesses this winter among everyone except the happy, healthy internationally adopted child! (pneumonia, mono, sinus infections) -- we are tired and having difficulty following through. So feel the 9 year old is taking advantage, and making herself miserable (and us) in the process.
help!

Hi JennySC
Is it alright if I ask loads of questions? Here goes...
How did your DC1 react to the news that you were going to adopt another child? Was she initially pleased with the idea or was she unkeen about it even before she met her sibling?

Was she involved in the adoption process - did she travel with you to bring the toddler home, for example?

Do you mind me asking what steps you have taken to ease your DC1 into this new family situation?

How long was the process from when you first discussed the idea of adopting another DC with your eldest child, to when your DC2 moved into your family?

Hope you don't mind me asking these quesions - I think it's all relevant.

Could it be that it has all happened extremely quickly in your DC1's opinion, and she didn't have time to adjust before it all became a reality?

She's obviously jealous and insecure and doesn't want to share you. Have you made time for you to spend alone with your DD1 without DC2?

My DD1 was also 9 when she became a big sister for the first time. When we told her she said in a quite matter of fact way "YOu will love the new baby more than me, won't you?" It broke my heart!

Hi Misfitless

thanks, your questions are very reasonable and already show insight into the situation.

So...DC1 was initially THRILLED at the news we were going to adopt. Then came a long wait (several years) and then then pretty sudden news (2-3 months) notice that it was all going to happen. During this time DC1 developed a really idealized picture of how perfect and great everything would be with a baby. She is great with our friends' younger children, in doses of a couple hours and they really respond to her (she has even been paid a nominal amount to help at a 4 year old's birthday). So she imagined herself as the perfect big sister of a perfectly behaved and fun little sibling.

The reality of all children of course is more varied, and while DC2 completely admires and idolizes DC2, DC2 was disappointed that often DC1 prefers to be comforted by her parents, trusts us more, and has developed some (healthy) sibling rivalry of her own for our affection. In other words, DC1 was a bit disappointed in the reality. She had not anticipated (despite our discussions) how demanding a young child can be, and that young children's needs can be very immediate (safety, food, etc.)

Let see, DC1 was quite involved in the adoption process -- not the paperwork of course, but talking about it, planning the trip, and yes, we all traveled together. DC1 got sick on the trip (fever) and thus it was less fun also than she had hoped as a result.

I think you are right that this all happened quickly in DC1's experience. It seemed abrupt, and there is no turning back!

Also, none of her close friends have siblings, and all have dogs (not an option for us due to work/travel), so she feels hard done by there as well!

We do try to spend time alone with DC1 each day and more at the weekend. One of us spends about an hour most nights at bedtime (reading together mostly) which almost equals the bedtime routine for the baby!

It does feel that she needs an excessive amount of reassurance that she is still central to us...nothing fills up this need.

My mum said something very insightful even before we brought DC2 home, re new siblings, which was to imagine your partner announced he/she was bringing home a new spouse and that he/she was sure the whole family would all love this person and it didn't mean he/she loved you any less. While this may be insightful, it doesn't help me to know how to solve it!

On a positive note, I know that the two children love each other, and are really happy when they are getting along well and unhappy/sad when they are not.

So, how did you handle it in your situation? We have been very accepting of her atypical behavior, during the transition, but she is becoming nastier to others (including potential friends) as her self-centered behavior is tolerated. I want to reassure her of our love but not accept taunting, being rude, and literally exploding when reminded to do things like clean her teeth, quickly followed up by "you don't love me!" even when this is completely illogical in the situation.

Oh blimey Jenny! You're doing everything right for what my opinion's worth.

I hope I haven't misled you - none of mine are adopted, which of course is totally irrelevant except for the fact that DC2 was a new born when the two first met.

I was going to suggest something along the lines of spending more time with DD1, maybe getting friends/grandparents to look after DC2 so you can spend quality time alone with her, or vice versa - get her some time away from DC2 by letting DD1 go to grandparents on her own for a sleep over but it sounds like she isn't short of attention at all.

My DD1 now 14 years still goes to my mum's once a week for tea without her siblings and cherises the time without them.

Would it be possible for you to start a hobby together without DC2 - maybe you or DP could start something together with DD1.

I did consider starting a family tai quando group (Sp?) with my 3rd child (who's our only son we've got three girls) but it wasn't practical becasue I couldn't get anyone to look after my other two little ones.
My DD was great - luck of the draw I think, rather than anything we did or didn't do; things could certainly have been different if DC2 had been a fiesty toddler from the onset, I'm sure.
Have you thought about posting in adoption? I'm sure that someone will have been through this. I can't help only to say that you're doing a great job. I hope re-posting will get you some good advice.

How involved is your social worker? I don't know how it works with foreign adoptions but a friend of mine has adopted from the UK and has received a lot of support from SW.

Are there adoption groups near you? I'd try and join one if so and get as much advice as you can.

Good luck - let me know ho wyou get on if you don't mind

Just thought of something else- I did make a conscious effort to have DD1's friends around even though it was a real struggle. She was also dsperate to start going to the park by our house without me which I started to let her do. She was just naturally starting to want to become more independent at the same time. With hindsight this was fortunate becasue it also got her out the house a bit more which meant she did get a break from DS.

Your DD's behaviour I expect may want you to avoid having people round but this might be the worse thing to do in the long run as she may feel more alienated from her friends.

Are you on friendly terms with any of her friends parents? IF so, would it be worth confiding in them, maybe getting them to have a little work with their DD to explain that your DD needs a little understanding? Maybe you could arrange a day out with your DD and her friends mum and her DD?

maybe a bit of a break from DC2 a couple of times a week might be just what she needs.

I appreciate it must be really hard going - sorry to be no help.

I have a 9 year old who is very jealous of her ds (6) who is having problems just now and therefore getting a lot of attention.

I tried everything to balance things out and to make special time for her etc but she just wanted more and more reassurance.

Recently I have put my foot down and become reasonably firm with her. I have set very clear guidelines about what is and isn't acceptable.

It sounds bizarre but I think she feels more secure knowing that there is a firm and clear boundary and there will be a firm and clear consequence if she oversteps this.

Alongside this I have begun charts for both dcs but award my dd stickers for kindness, being helpful and for teamwork (ie doing something nicely with her ds). We have only been doing this for a short period of time but, for the moment, it seems to be working.

I know our circumstances are different but is it possible your easing of rules and lavishing attention on her is actually making her feel more at sea and insecure?

I would still spend time alone with her but be clear about what is and isn't acceptable.

Praise every single little bit of positive behaviour that you can.

Good luck - it is still early days and it will take a while for everyone to accept the new shape of the family.

Third time lucky - my DD stated puberty at 9.5 years - could it partly be that? It could explain a lot and if so, it will be very difficult for her to control these outbirsts, I expect.

I'd spend loads of one to one time with her and be really playful and fun.

Thank you to everyone -- all ideas are insightful. Trying to put it all together, spend special time alone with older daughter, set reasonable standards of behaviour, reward her helping out with her sister (which is increasing! she is very good at this when she chooses), and finding time for DD1 to spend time with her friends and adult family friends on her own.

A surprising development...they have started to sleep together on a double mattress and this seems to help a lot with their attachment. Once DD2 is asleep, she has a couple of hours of deep sleep when DD1 can give her a cuddle and feel close. This is in DD2's room so DD1 does not feel encroached upon. Once they are both asleep they alternate between cuddling and pushing each other way like an affectionate but grumpy old couple!

We did ask our social worker for advice (she is not involved much at all, won't see her again for 6 months) and she was accepting but no real help -- Told us a funny story about how her older sister had been excited that removal men were apparently going to take her away (forever) in her cot during a family move. She reminded us also that its early days.

So, thanks to all, hoping that we can keep things moving in a positive direction.