DS 3 1/2 years obsessed with dying

[Boblina]

Hello my DS who is 3 1/2 years old has been talking about dying for about a month now. He has been asking my mum for some time "are you going to die today nanna?" To which my mum replies that she is not going to die for a very long time, she will be going on holiday and all sort of things. But in the last couple of days he has started getting quite bad with it, talking about it all the time and getting worried about my mum dying, old people dying and people who eat too much dying. DH said to him today that for a treat we shall go to a restaurant tomorrow and he is worried about that because we might eat to much and get big. I think he is really getting concerned about it all and it is constantly on his mind. I just don't know what to do or say to help him. I suppose I must add that he has recently (begining of Septemeber) started Catholic nursery and they have had a story or two about Jesus dying on the cross. This is the only place I think he might have got the dying thing from, but not sure. Don't think books, tv or anything like that. What do I say or do? How can I help him. Anyone experienced this? Thanks.

My DD went through a similar phase a few months ago (aged 4) there was no obvious trigger. I just answered any questions directly and it seemed to fade away. I think it may just be their way of understanding a difficult concept. I am interested to hear other's takes on this.

I think children do go through a phase where they become aware of death and dying.DS was about 4 and I remember him seeing this very elderly lady on the bus and going "Mummy shes going to die soon isn't she?" really loudly (cringe).It is quite normal I think,and like I say,a phase.With ds we had lots of conversations about death,and i tried to be as honest as poss (People usually live for a long time and then they die)a bit tricky as well cos his dad had a terminal illness so he needed lots of reassurance that he wasn't going to die and that dad being so ill so young was rare.He also got interested in what happened to your body when you died (we found a dead bird in the garden) and suchlike.I would say be as open and honest as possible,whilst offering reassurance that most people live to a ripe old age.Normal curiosity and as i say a normal phase!

I thought so too but for the past month it is a daily question and an answer never seems to satisfy him.

PS I love your name - chewy toffee mum. Love it. Yep! I do!

Yes, completely normal. Last week DD2 said 'Nanny, you are very old. You are going to die soon'. And all her games involve 'This is Princess Rose, her mummy and daddy are dead...' etc! I remember both DSS and DD1 going through a similar stage.

What is he saying then Bobalina?

My ds went through a phase of being obsessed with dying at 3 as well. Once he said "mummy when you're going to die can we run along together holding hands then we call fall down and die together so I can be with you in heaven". I was pg at the time and was reduced to a gibbering wreck. All quite normal I think.

All three of mine were interested in death from a little before turning 4 to round about starting school, so a bit more than a year. 4yo ds2 is still mid-fascination.

Sometimes it can be like an obsession, with them talking about death every day several times a day, asking strangers, telling grandparents that they will die soon, checking about when dh and I will die, etc.

I think you just have to accept it. Not be alarmed or dismissive, but casually and comfortably reassuring. I think your mum's answer was spot-on.

Re the food, I tell my dc that it is my job to ensure that their good is healthy, and their job to eat and enjoy it. They don't need to worry that I might give them something wrong, and if they do I can explain why it's ok to eat what I offer.

"their good is healthy" should be "their food is healthy".

DS - is nanna going to die to today
us - no, not today and not for a very long time
DS - when is she going to die?
us - when she is older. She will come on holiday with us.
DS - but she is old, will she die when we come back from holiday?
us - no she will live for a long time
DS - but she is old
us - just because she is old it does not mean that she is going to die. Nana is old but not very old. She is going to live for a long time
DS - but when will she die?
us - not for a very long time.

DS - if you eat too much food you die
us - pardon?
DS I am trying to understand if you eat too much food you die. Daddy you are very big (DH is not that big, slightly over weight), if you eat too much food you are going to die
US - DS I am not that big. Who said that I am big
DS - I did. You are too me. Please don't eat any more.
US - DS I am not that big and I don't eat too much
DS but if you eat too much you die. You are not allowed to eat anymore
Us - it's very important to eat (helps you grow, gives you energy,...). DH I am not too big.
DS - oh, but what about Rapunzel's mummy died (just been watching Tangled)
and so it goes on for hours....

Have just reread post and realised it could be misinterpreted in the "needed reassurance that he wasn't going to die" bit,this was ds wasn't going to die not dp!he knew dp was going to die.!!I think death is often still a bit of an elephant in the corner topic really.The fact is we are all going to die some sooner than others but children like to know simple facts and the whys and wherefores and explaining in simple realistic way is best if that makes sense

I am glad to hear that it is a phase. I shall keep reasuring him and just hope that I can answer his questions in a way he understands.

I wouldnt worry about it too much i think all children go through a phase. DDs preschool record has a hilarious sectionwhere all she seems to talk about is death for a few months.

All her EYFS obs seem to feature her discussing dead things, there are photos of her with a dead 'worm' which she arranged to bury until the teacher pointed out it was still moving!

I think they all go through this.

I remember taking one of mine to the beach and when asked if they were digging a hole they replied "no I'm digging a grave"

Also, every picture around age 4/5 was graveyards/gravestones. (well maybe not every picture but it felt like it at the time)

We had a close family relation die at around that time and the DC was obsessed with "How will they get the coffin in? Will they dig the hole and put the coffin on top? If the coffin rots will the two skeltons cuddle" and on and on and on

This too shall pass

MavisEnderby forgot to say sorry about you DH or DP

OK

Nanna is older than mummy and you.She will probably die before mummy and you,but nobody knows EXACTLY when someone will die,so she probably won't die for a long time.i would like to be able to tell you exactly when but I can't because I don';t know.

Some people who eat too much CAN die earlier,but mummy and daddy aren't really fat,you have to eat loads and loads to die from eating too much.People need to eat (for reasons you have stated).Mummy and daddy won't die.sometimes Mummies and daddies do die,but this doesn't happen very often and mummy and daddy are NOT going to die

Bobolina, you might try agreeing with your ds or giving positive responses,

eg instead of saying "no I'm not going to die/eating doesn't make you die/I'm not fat", try something like "people do die when they get very old, but I've got many many more years before I get old/only people who eat far too much could get ill from eating, we need to eat to give us energy to stay alive!/I am big, but that's because I'm very strong and healthy, and thats because I eat good food."