parenting and second child

[EG77]

ive recently found out i am pregnant again. i have a 10 month old son who is the absolute apple of my world. this second pregnancy wasn't planned and although we did want a second child, it's come a bout a year early. is it normal to feel distant from a second pregnancy? i also feel utterly depressed that i have ruined my life with my son and OH. OH is currently seeing a counsellor for ppd which has been v tough to handle. i feel like this is such a huge mess. we dont have a big flat, my son is still a babe, still needs me so much. i feel like i've let him down. and then i worry that when number 2 comes that my sons routine and sleeping will be turned upside down because of newbie crying through night for feeds. at a loss as to what to do. i hate feeling sad around my baby boy as i now see my time with him as limited. are these normal feelings? does everyone mourn the loss of time with their firstborn?

My DD (11wks) is my 3rd child, although I have only ever had 2 children to care for at any one time as my eldest died of cancer before my 2nd was born. My DS will be 3 in March and when we tried for our 2nd I got caught straight away which shocked me a little (I know it shouldn't really should it?) because I was expecting it to take longer (I am nearly 40) and thought it would give me more sole time with my then 2 year old son - this was particularly important to me as I work full time and started back at work when he was 6 weeks (part time) and then went back to full time when he was 12 weeks.

I think during my 3rd pregnancy I seemed to worry less about whether things would go ok - but maybe this was because my 2nd seemed incredibly precious having already lost a child - I don't know?

I worried about how I would split my very limited time and be able to enjoy both my children. I thought maybe I was selfish to want another when I worked full time anyway - my DH is the one who stays at home as financially that worked better for us.

When I went into labour I ended up having an EMCS after 3 hours in advanced labour for a life threatening event with my DD and we were told we were very lucky that she was, because of this, delivered healthy.

When she was nearly 3 wks old she developed silent reflux and screamed all day long and kept my DS awake until about 11.30 at night - it totally disrupted our lives! Despite this my DS absolutely loved the baby and was so good with her we could not believe our luck! Like yourself he was absolutely the centre of our world and everyone heaped so much love and attention on him that I was worried about how he would cope with someone else to take some of this away from him.

Once she started on meds for this she was like a different baby and is now very happy and he continues to enjoy her and her him - her face absolutely lights up when she sees him.

I think what i'm trying to say is that even if your son does have some disruption when this baby is born I am sure that you will manage and that overall it will be a positive experience for him and for all of you. Together they will both give you delight and you'll have all those same lovely feelings for DC2 that you get with DS1.

Continue to enjoy your DS now but don't worry that this will be the end of the enjoyment.

I hope all goes well for you all and that you can stop giving yourself such a hard time.

Take care xxx

EG, I think its normal to feel this way whatever the age gap. Any decision we make as parents had positive and negative sides. The positive sides in your situation, as I see them, are that they will be great playmates being so close in age. You're getting all the baby stuff out of the way in a relatively short time so your older ds won't be waiting for the younger one to catch up all the time. You are giving your DS the greatest gift in teh world - a sibling.

Try not to worry about what ifs at this early stage. DS2 was an absolute dream for us, so so much easier than ds1, we hardly knew he was there. Yes things will change for your older DS but they will anyway, he's about to become mobile and start discovering the world for himself

Congratulations

i'm just so nervous that my OH wont be able to cope and it will destroy us. i know i should give him more credit - but he's had such a hard time with number 1

Hi EG77

I actually found things clicked in to place when my second child was born.

Up until that point, my DH was very stressed and often really struggled to cope with the idea of having a child, and the lifestyle changes etc. I was working part time, so out income was significantly reduced, which put extra pressure on him, and DS was a really difficult newborn who screamed endlessly. I loved DS1 to bits, and felt so close to him, that I think it did push DH out to some extent.

Anyway, along came DS2 - completely different story. All of a sudden, we were a "family" in DH's eyes, and he just seemed to relax into it. I actually overheard him telling a friend that he knew whop he was now, and it just felt complete.

As for time with my eldest, it never ceased to amaze me just how much newborns sleep. First time around, you just hover over them, and watch. Second time, you find that the youngest snaps into your routine, and you get tonnes of quality time with your eldest.

Not saying it's all a breeze, but you will be fine. xxx

i have a 5 year age gap between my 2 dds. i desperately wanted number 2 but as soon as i got pregnant i started to have the same feelings you describe. I thought a larger gap was worse because dd1 has spent 5 years being the centre of our world and having undivided attention, i was devestated thinking we would never be as close again. she has had an adjustment period but she loves her little sister and we are closer even than we were. i think those are normal feelings and kids are very very adaptable.

i dont know what to say about your husbands depression though, what is ppd? - has he said how he feels about the pregnancy? hope it all goes well

I have a 19 month gap and it's working really well. DD is old enough to talk and understand why her little brother can't do everything, but is also very patient at waiting for me to care for him. She gives him toys, puts his socks on and off and tells me what he is up to now he is moving. Even when he first arrived she was old enough to enjoy playing by herself alongside me while I sorted out the new arrival. She helps me with his nappy changes now and would feed him if I let her.

At 8 months DS is delighted with his big sister. He stares at her, laughs and smiles at her and is copying her already. He has less routine than she did as we go to playgroups for her, but he slept at playgroup when he needed to, and on the way home today he slept in the trolley round tesco - maybe they just become more adaptable.

It feels less intense to me even though I am alone with them both nearly all the time (DH works normal hours). Somehow the 1:1 was simpler logistically, but harder for me emotionally. 3 of us feels like a team, a group, and even more so when DH is about too.

Remember your baby will be a toddler by the time the new one arrives; there will be no tiny older child toys to be swallowed; they will want to watch the same TV/films as they get older; they will suit the same activities and playparks; they are more likely to play together around the house at similar developmental stages; they will help each other and love each other as well as teach each other about sharing and the harder parts of life!

I hope it's a positive thing for your DH too though I can understand why you are concerned. Perhaps the positives of getting the nappy/baby/very dependent stage out the way together will help him (unless you plan on more kids later obviously). Perhaps the team feel of it will help. All you can do is put as much support in place for you all before the new arrival, and then take it a bit at a time.

Most people I know found the first child the greatest shock, going from 1 to 2 was much, much easier for me. I already knew what I was doing and what I didn't know I knew it was fine to ad lib.

I have a 22 month gap. My girls were born in foreign country, where we had no family support, and we both worked full-time.
Like you, #2 was a 'surprise', we were thinking a year later also.

It couldn't have worked out better for us. The girls are great friends, even if DD1 can be bossy with DD2 and of course they fight/annoy each other maybe a few times a day. They share clothes, toys, fantastic fantasy/make-up games...
DD1 was never bothered about having a new baby in the house. Never got clingy during BF. Actually kind of ignored her younger sister for the first year. And the DD2 first word was a mangled version of her sisters name.

Congratulation - and you will be fine.

I have a brother who is a year younger than me. And if it upset my routine when I was one- I really don't remember that now and couldn't care less. What I do remember and do care about is always having someone there who was a companion when I was little and whom I could rely on when I grew up.