Stubborn toddler 2.6: Bribe, give in, compromise or keep calm and carry on?

[PukeyMummy]

DD is 2.6 and increasingly opinionated/stubborn, refusing to do anything I ask/tell her to that doesn't fit into her plan for the day. Often she pretends she doesn't hear what I'm saying.

I know she's just being a typical toddler, but am wondering how best to handle situations where her refusal to do something means we will be late, whether it's for nursery, an appointment or whatever.

BTW I'm pregnant, so don't really have the energy to deal with her rationally all of the time, and don't always have the strength to pick her up, force her to do what I need her to do and carry on. DH works long hours so apart from weekends and when she's at nursery it's up to me.

A typical example would be going to nursery. The nursery serves breakfast until 8.30am. DD often says she wants breakfast at home instead, and I sometimes can't be bothered to argue, so give in to her. But then she just has a couple of half-hearted mouthfuls by about 8.15 and throws a hissy fit when I then say we have to go to nursery now (and try to get her into the car quickly so we get there in time for her to have a proper breakfast).

This morning was particularly bad because I was expecting an important delivery from 8am and wanted to get her to nursery and get back before 8am. No chance. DD flat-out refused. I tried reasoning with her, explained about the delivery, did everything I could to persuade her, but then ended up putting her into her car seat forcibly in just t-shirt and trousers at about 8.30 (she refused to put on a cardigan or coat) and she screamed at me all the way to nursery. She was all smiles when we got there - she loves nursery and says it's lots of fun.

It's not just going to nursery, it's anything where we have to be there by a certain time, even if I start the process of getting her out of the door half an hour before we need to leave. Last week she had a couple of days where she flat-out refused to leave the house (one day we had to go out and again I had to pick her up and force her into the car seat, cue screaming, but she was fine once we got to our destination).

So, do I bribe her, give in to her, compromise or carry on regardless? At the moment I'm doing a mixture of all of these but am wondering if I should just be tough and consistently so, and refuse to compromise our plans?

How do/did others cope with this? Help!

I am having to do a lot of threatening at the moment. DS is 2y10m. Today, he was refusing to eat, so I had to take it away. Sometimes, at suppertime, he won't eat, so I explain that it's food or bed straight away. I might have to turn out the lights to flush him upstairs. When he sees it might happen, he shrieks and I ask him sternly if he's going to eat or if it's bedtime, etc. Once he agrees to eat, he'll get back into his chair and do it (or, if he relapses, we have another threat-negotiation). It is really sad to feel that I have to break his will again and again, but I am too scared to give in, for fear of how he might act if he thought he could get his way by having a tantrum! I do try to ease my guilt by being sweet to him once he has calmed down and is eating (with tears still running down his face - ohhhh the reproach of those wet eyes!).

DH is also working on me, telling me that DS is anxious because of constant threats. However, I notice DH getting slightly wild when DS defies him, too, so I think he's just being hypocritical about my setting boundaries....

Hope this helps! You're not alone in this, by any means.

Thank you plupedantic, it does help to know it's not just me. Today was a bad day, am hoping tomorrow will be better.

DD came home from nursery, had been quite upset at nursery today, not sure if this was just tiredness, I did apologise to her for being firm this morning. She threw some almighty tantrums this evening before finally conking out in bed.

Tomorrow is another day!

I think I was lucky with my DD, she has always responded well to reasoning, planning and mild bribery!
I find it helps to be really clear about what is going to happen, especially if it is a deviation from usual routines.
I'd try and avoid food battles (easier said than done) but you are actually rewarding your child with lots of (albeit negative) attention if you make a fuss. Offer the meal, pudding or fruit if you want, but if its not eaten, take it away and carry on as normal.

If DD fussed or didn't eat, I would simply take the food away, if she was hungry later I would offer a simple snack - always the same thing, a dry oat cake and a drink of water, nothing else - enough to take away feeling hungry, but not the sort of snack to have much value.
I'm also not averse to a spot of mild bribery, it doesn't have to be sweets, it could be something else, like a trip to the park, or swimming in return for good behaviour. The odd sweet is also v helpful in charged situations - I have used a small pack of sweets as incentive to get in the car quickly for example!
So, in answer to your question - don't give in, compromise can work, but always keep calm and carry on

Another thing is timing. We are potty training at the mo, something I had had to put off until after DS was ill and I won his heart back by nursing him through it! Our relationship had been under serious strain over Christmas and the New Year (with nursery closed and DH at home sick, then DS sick, so again no nursery - aaargh). There was no way I could have potty-trained him during that period, as: (a) it would have unkind to distress him further, when he was already in a stroppy phase and (b) it would have been unwise to sow seeds of conflict in such soil.

Could you bear a week's charm offensive on her, to sweeten her up? She's going to need some sweetening before and after the baby is born, too.

Sorry that's not great news, but planning will help you get through it, both of you!

I think it was a Supernanny thing so please don't blast me but have you tried giving a warning and then putting a favourite toy in a "sin bin" for bad behaviour? We have a box and when he is really pushing the buttons DS gets a warning... 'if you don't put your trousers on your car/truck/plane will go in the box'... And then carry it out. We had a lot of tantrums but he soon realised that it was better to do as he was asked.

I agree with PP - noticing good behaviour and rewarding it works wonders.

Also, choose your battles... But they always seem to know the days when you have to get out of the house!

You are pregnant and have a 2 year old, and sounds like you're working outside of the home. You are doing brilliantly just to leave the house at vaguely the right time. Keep firm and don't apologise unless you have really lost it. Presuming your daughter doesn't tell the time yet, just pretend that you have to leave when you actually have 15 mins to spare. That way you will be less stressed when she starts resisting. You might get to nursery early but that's not the end of the world. Then move the leaving time gradually toward the real time.

Thank you everyone for your kind words! I don't do paid work as such, but have a pretty busy life running the house, doing copious admin for my DH and things like eBay sales which I consider to be "work",
so getting DD to nursery on the days she's there (not every day) is still pretty essential.

I went on a charm offensive with DD this morning, let her get her own way a bit, she asked to butter some toast herself and then (miracle!) ate most of it, so we didn't have the mad rush to get to nursery "on time" for breakfast today. She had time for a little play and then when I suggested we go to nursery, she put on her shoes herself and bounced out of the door. Like a different child...

Thank you beanandspud for the toy sin bin idea. I have placed toys out of her reach before (on top of a cupboard) when she's been naughty, but I might try it more consistently.

Well done. Amazing how a slight change of tack can work.