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Parenting

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Original poster

Sole income earner getting grief for supporting family.

27 replies

heathy12 · 19/02/2011 22:03

Thought this place best to ask a question from a male perspective seeking female advice/point of veiw on this one.

Im the sole income earner of the household, pay my long term partner to look after our 8 month old son and pay for everything in and around the house, her phone bill and loan and anything thats needed. Im also paying for gym membership for her and my son to go swimming. I have no problem with this and from day one have offered to do so.

However, I am having to work every hour going to keep money coming in so we both have a stress free life. Im currently working 6-6 5 days a week and 6-12 saturday. Long long hours and im finding myself knackered most evenings due to getting up at 5am everyday.

Im getting so much stress from her claiming I 'dont need to work' as much, all I go on about is money (really have to justify things we spend on!) and im not doing a huge amount to help.............I am helping by keeping us all going.

I spend as much time with my son as I can. I feed and put him to bed, I spend the whole weekend with him etc.... I dont get what more I can do and how I can stop feeling so tired and knackered all the time without comprimising our lifestyle and putting the stress of not having so much money coming in and not being able to enjoy the life we have.

I'd really like a females perspective on this to know what I can do to change and understand the position. I fully understand she's given up work (Happily!) and has the boy to deal with 24/7 (I dont do night time changes etc! But dont get lye ins she does (Very good sleepy little boy we have!)) but I really want to know how I can make her understand what im doing to help and support our family and to help her see the bigger picture and my prodicament.

I cant be the only dad in this boat!

HELP! I dont want it to drive our family apart. SHe's just stormed off in a stress about me falling asleep on the sofa at 9pm after being up from 5am this morning going to work. Im at a loss, I cant see what im doing wrong. :(

OP posts:

rubyslippers · 19/02/2011 22:08

what do you mean you "pay her" to look after your LO?

Anyway, i think being a sole earner is a big responsibility for anyone (male or female)

she clearly isn't happy so can you talk about it sensibly?

working for 12 hours per day with a commute is miserable

what does she think you "Should" be doing?

rubyslippers · 19/02/2011 22:09

does your LO wake a lot at night as you mention you don't have to get up with him, but then you say she gets "lie ins" ...

Original poster

heathy12 · 19/02/2011 22:16

Thanks guys.

I pay her about £200 every month so she can enjoy herself without having to worry, shes happy with this and more than some people do. Im more than happy to pay childcare but shes come from a childcare background and wasnt keen on putting him into nursery at 8 months old more happy to be a stay at home mum.

My son is a dream, he wakes sometimes at 1-3 (If at all) after going to bed at 7pm and wakes at 7-10am regular as clockwork! Hence the lye in comment! We're blessed with him, he is such a gorgeous good lad! So to answer the question, maybe once a night if that he wakes!

I cant get the point that what Im doing to help is maybe some way towards helping us all out. :(

OP posts:

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Original poster

heathy12 · 19/02/2011 22:20

Cant edit! lol

I mean thats £200 on top of having a card of mine to buy everything with for her and my son for going out and socialising.

I feel like shes so un appreciative of what I do. Im not bigging myself up at all and always feel I can and want to do more, but physically cannot. Oh, im self employed also so we dont have ANY benefits or extra halp. Just something like child support, £120 something a month iirc which goes straight back into our son.

OP posts:

homeboys · 19/02/2011 22:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

TeamLemon · 19/02/2011 22:24

Have a word with my DH and get him tog ive me £200 a month and a card to buy stuff with.

You are being very generous IMO.
If she wants you around more, then she will have to except that there will be less money coming in.

fluffles · 19/02/2011 22:25

is this woman, the monther of your child, actually your partner? it sounds like you're talking about paying an ex or a nanny to look after your son.

if you are in fact still in a relationship then perhaps she'd prefer to have less money and some actual quality family time and some couple time.

actually if you are still in a relationship i don't think i can genuinely believe this thread is true... do you really think that the only thing that matters is money? why did you have a son if you didn't want to spend family time together? why do you have a partner if you don't want to spend time together?

i'm baffled you can't see this.

rubyslippers · 19/02/2011 22:25

i am not sure what her issue is TBH

if you are doing what you say and she is still unhappy then maybe her feelings have changed about being at home? Maybe she is unhappy that you have very little time together? I don't know - it is hard trying to second guess

if you are self employed, then i guess the pressure is on in a way it may not be in other roles

you need to talk to her and understand her position, and then she needs to understand yours

rubyslippers · 19/02/2011 22:27

i didn't read the OP as NOT wanting to spend time together - rather the pressure of his job meant he was working long hours

also, OP says he feeds and puts his son to bed and spends the weekend with him ...

fluffles · 19/02/2011 22:35

no but the OP seems to have plenty of money to 'give' out.. i personally am not a SAHM but if i was i'd rather have less disposable income and more time with my husband. OP doesn't seem to see how this could even be an option.

TheCrackFox · 19/02/2011 22:40

My Dh works long hours and TBh I found it very lonely when I had a small baby to look after.

Roo83 · 19/02/2011 23:43

You need to sit down and talk to her. Just explaining how tired you are,and how you are trying to do what is best for your family so she can see where you are coming from. You may find she opens up to you and explains her own unhappiness-8 months is still young and it's a very big life adjustment for you both. I am in a similar situation to your partner (sahm while dp works) he works from home most of the time and isn't up early, but I still appreciate the fact I'm home with the kids and he is supporting us in doing that.

JaneS · 19/02/2011 23:50

I'm just trying to get a sense of the situation: she does most of the childcare and you pay her some money. Does she also do everything else that's not to do with your job, or do you split stuff, or have 'chores' each? And if so, what's the balance like?

I think if she's doing everything else, or a lot of it, she may be feeling quite bored and fed up, especially if she's previously worked at something she enjoyed. She might also be fairly lonely if it's hard for her to get to see other adults with your child around.

I think you need to talk to her and see why exactly she feels this way, but if you let us know a bit more about the situation it might help us understand, too.

JaneS · 20/02/2011 00:02

Btw, my situation is very different from yours, but I know when I am away or working very long hours it's not very pleasant for my partner, even though I do it with good intentions of wanting to make a better life for us.

I think part of the problem is that your work is your career, so although your partner knows you are working to bring in money for the family, it is also a source of pride and achievement for you - which might sometimes make her feel almost jealous of your career? I'm not saying it's rational, but I can understand it and I know my DH has in the past felt a bit like this with me (he's not a SAHP, but he's previously been unemployed, and also working at something that wasn't really a career, so it may be a bit similar).

agnethafaltskog · 20/02/2011 09:51

You sound like a good bloke but you work too many hours. If you cut out your DP's pocket money (£200) would that mean you needn't work at the weekends and then the two of you could have that to look forward to?

I was very lonely when DD was a baby (no family nearby); my husband worked long hours and we had no money worries but I would rather he'd been around more.

You and DP need to look at your incomings/outgoings (sorry for stating the bleeding obvious!) and, provided you can meet the bills, prioritise family time over extra money.

Good luck.

Rhadegunde · 20/02/2011 09:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EngelbertFustianMcSlinkydog · 20/02/2011 10:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sethstarkaddersmackerel · 20/02/2011 10:51

I agree with Rhadegunde, you really shouldn't see this as paying your partner to look after your child and giving her pocket money - that's terribly patronising. It's household money and you are not giving it to her.

I don't think this situation is about you doing something wrong, but your partner clearly isn't happy, and it sounds like it's as much about her being lonely and wanting to spend more time with you as it is about her wanting you to do more chores (which may not be physically possible with your current hours anyway).

I agree with the people who have suggested you look at your outgoings and work out if you can afford for you to work less and manage on less money. Or you agree together that you stick with the hard work and not seeing each other for now in return for future rewards (as often happens eg when someone is setting up a business; people accept a not-entirely-ideal situation because it is temporary). Are you always going to have to work as hard as this or are things likely to improve?

Acinonyx · 20/02/2011 11:37

I don't get the pocket money thing either - is this common ? You sit down together and look at ALL the money coming in and going out. You come to some agreement and prioritize. Then you split ALL the disposable between you and/or hold it in a joint account.

If you did that, either she will see that you really do need the income you think you do or it will be clear that if she were you, she would compromise on the income in return for more family time. If you can't agree after a full and frank discussion of this kind then you have bigger problems than just money.

AmandaCooper · 20/02/2011 11:43

Is it possible for you to work less though? I've got the same problem and I'd be happy to take a pay cut but reducing my hours is just not a realistic option.

mercibucket · 20/02/2011 11:46

so your family income is X
you then decide as a family how you are going to spend the money and if you need any more
if you need more, you work out how that's going to happen - she works, you get a different job etc
or you cut back on stuff
I really don't understand all this 'pocket money' 'paying for swimming' stuff - do you actually want an adult relationship with your wife or do you like treating her like she's 5? Sorry, perhaps that sounds mean. It always puzzles me when people choose to arrange their finances this way

Life is really tough when you've got a young child in the house. She's knackered and probably bored. you're knackered and over worked. you probably both resent each other

fwiw, I know my dh found it stressful being the sole wage earner. perhaps he felt as you do about the finances. luckily for him, if he did he kept v quiet about it.

JaneS · 20/02/2011 13:39

I find the 'pocket money' terminology unfortunate too, but I have to admit that for the (fortunately short) period when I was the sole earner, it was hard for me not to feel occasionally that I was 'treating' DH to things rather than sharing money.

I tried not to let him know, but it was tough not to feel a bit like that - if we'd continued in that situation with me as sole earner and DH as a SAH, I think I would have found it hard not to get irritated (but then, I do a fair amount of the housework and we don't have kids for him to look after). I suspect the OP's situation turns on how much work he does for the family, outside his paid job.

thefurryone · 20/02/2011 18:54

I think some of you are being a little bit hard on the OP he makes sure she has money to call her own doesn't make him a bad person, perhaps he just wanted to make sure she didn't feel like she was always asking for money, or spending the family money on things for herself so they set a budget that she could call her own each month.

OK so some of you wouldn't like this way of doing things but different folks different strokes I don't see why he's getting accused of being patronising or treating her like a child purely on this basis.

EdgarAleNPie · 20/02/2011 19:00

do you think possibly you disagree about what is important?

ie what you perceive as 'quality of life' she perceives as 'crap we don't need to spend money on, wold rather se OH more?'

do you also think you have been making deciions unilaterally and perhaps the decisions should be made with input from both sides?

you may end up doing the same things, but consultation makes the non-earner feel more valued.

should you have joint accounts or a different financial arangement which makes her less of an employee? (however well remunerated)

Sistermoondance · 20/02/2011 19:06

It sounds on the face of it that you ate bring reasonable and logical... But first off, even if your wife wants to be a sahm and goes out a fair bit, it is still tiring and lonely and mind melting to spend all day with the little one, and yes, even if he is a good sleeper and generally good tempered. You say you have him for a while every night up till he goes to bed, but that only amounts to an hour or so, and you say you gave him a lot at weekends but you work half of Saturday... I agree with the other folks that she could just rather you were at home more.

And yes I agree with the others, you need to sit down and be open about the money coming in, and going out etc. My husband and I have a joint account for bills then a fixed and equal amount each as our allowances in separate accounts for us to spend as we like with having to justify anything. This way we both feel it us fair and no arguments about how we spend out own money. To be honest this pocket money and giving her your card sounds like a recipe for disaster! You worry about what she may spend and she doesn't feel trusted....

I think you need to sit down together and discuss your finances and find out whether the time or money is more important and find a better way that you both think is fair

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