A sort of WWYD I suppose but concerning parenting and also being a daughter!
Bit of a long one coming up I feel so hopefully someone will make it to the end!
Background: lived at home with my mum until late 20's, commuted together and were very close. Mum emigrates and I handhold over the phone as she really struggles to settle. 2 other siblings pretty much cut her off.
Same time as Mum leaves UK I meet DH although clearly I didn't know this at the time.
Few incidents where DM and (then) DP don't get on but on the whole things ok when I had DS1 in 08. DM was staying and was most offended when we asked to be given a few days to ourselves after DS1 had been home a few days. Big row about that and other issues but sorted out eventually. Hugely upsetting for me but DP & DM were both shit in taking my feelings in to account at that point.
Fastforward, DM comes back to UK when DS1 is a year old. I'm thrilled she's going to have a good relatioship with DS1 and we can be close again blah blah.
Predictably (tho not to me!) things have been bloody awful since she has been back. Currently I have a tense relationship with her at best.
Apart from the issues I have with her (a whole different thread!) I am totally stuck as to what to do with her & DS1 as she seems to actively dislike him. He is just 3, a pain in the bum but also very lovely. He's pretty lively and cheeky but we are quite firm with him, try and teach him manners and make sure he's as well behaved as a 3 year old can br etc.
In the Summer she said she feels DS1 is 'indulged' by us and DH's parents so she feels she should balance it by not doing the same 
.
She also feels he is quite bright so when I say 'he's only 3' when she picks up some part of his behaviour she says this is no excuse, and I know it's not but she seems to believe him capable of adult reasoning!
She just doesn't seem to be able to warm to him so he in turn is at his worst when she is around.
At DS1's birthday DS2 (1yr) wanted to play with DS1's new present, DS2 (not good at sharing but we're really trying with it) flipped out and DM said to DMIL, 'he's not very good at sharing is he, hopefully he'll get his comeuppance at school' !!
I feel like she thinks I am not doing enough/a good enough job of bringing him up but I don't know what else I should be doing. And, to be honest, I don't think there's much I would do hugely differerent.
Other people comment when we're out how good our boys are and my friend's think all his behaviour is normal and even that he does have good manners.
Anyway, sorry this is an essay!
DM has asked me to go for a drink with her next week and I think it will involve discussing our relationship and so her relationship with DS1 will come up.
My question is, how do I calmly say how much she hurts me when she is cold and/or off with DS1, she is unlikely to admit she does have a problem, when it's been discussed before she seems to feel how everyone else treats him is wrong, she is not and she can't change how she relates to him.
FWIW I know she believes him to have 'behavioural problems' but she knows nothing of any other 3 year olds.
I can't seem to explain he is behaving normally even if not desirably when he acts up without sounding like I am excusing him. He is disciplined and I don't think I am any more blinkered than the next Mum about his behaviour, but it doesn't go unchecked.
Thank you if you got this far, any opinions or help welcome!