Helping jealous 2 year old adjust to new baby

[yawningbear]

Hello there, have just had DS, born on Sunday by CS, came home from hospital with him on Wed so really early days. Have DD who is 2. She is fabulous but is used to have my undivided attention. She actually seemed to coped much better than we had thought she would with me being away in hospital for a few days. So reallly all is pretty good. We have been trying to make sure that she gets lots of attention just now. DP is off work this week and grandparents come up next week. We also started her in nursery part time several months ago which she loves. Have read lots of new baby books etc so have tried to prepare her as much as possible. I guess I am just so aware that her little world is being turned upside down and I want to do as much as I can to smooth the way. She has been asking if the baby can go away now, very unhappy when I hold the baby, although so far has been accepting of me feeding him. Last night she told me she was sad the baby was here, asked if I could take turns with her Dad and give the baby to him so I could just be with her etc. It is really actually very sweet and totally understandable. I just wondered if anyone had any other ideas as to how I can help her adjust to having a baby brother and view it as a positive thing?

aww, that's really sweet of her to ask if you and Dad can take turns with the baby, she's clearly a very thoughtful little girl!

Best advice I can give is try to get her as involved as possible - let her help change nappies (my DD1 likes putting the sudocrem on), ask her to get things for you, and praise her all the time about how helpful she is, what a good big sister she is. Let her ask questions and answer them honestly - DD1 was very intrigued about how the milk came out, I actually had to squeeze some out with my fingers to show her, which she thought was hilarious and still asks me to do sometimes

Could your DH not take the baby out for a walk sometimes so you can spend time with DD? Or you can still play with her/read a book/watch Cbeebies together while BF.

It will get easier with time, once Ds is more interactive. Mine are now 2.10 and 8 months, and DD1 loves DD2 because she gives her constant attention and laughs at everything she does!

I think it's important you don't stigmatise her negative feelings, eg you can agree with her sometimes, 'Yes babies are a bit boring when they're tiny, but they do get better!' 'I didn't like my little brother when he was born either!' 'What a nasty noise, let's try and stop him crying!'
I was 2.10 when my brother was born and I remember absolutely hating it when people said 'Aren't you lucky to have a baby brother?' (and apparently once I replied 'No, I hate him, I'm going to poke little holes in him and put him in the dustbin.')

this phase doesn't last for long, it gets easier when the baby starts smiling and responding to her, and then harder again when he starts crawling and breaking her toys! It sounds like you are doing fine.

Congratulations! Just want to say first of all that having two is completely wonderful and also, of course, completely knackering!

All I want to add is not to be worried by your dd being sad about ds being born. It is a natural feeling for them to have and she WILL get over it. The best thing you can do for her is keep her routine as normal as absolutely possible. That way she will figure out quite quickly that her life hasn't actually changed as much as she thought it had. Also, expect some possible babyish phases from her and don't be too hard on her for it.

I would also second redstripyelephant to get her involved as much as possible but don't be worried if she doesn't want to. My dd was 20months when ds was born and, if I'm honest, she pretty much ignored him for the first 6 months! We did worry a little about whether she would ever accept him but then, suddenly, it stopped being an issue. They now (at 2.11 and 15months) are competely gorgeous together and if for any reason they are not together she asks for him constantly and he yells her name at the top of his voice!

I also agree with mackerel - validating their feelings is really important. So if, for example, she says she doesn't love ds, try not to say 'but of course you love your brother'. The best thing you can do there is to agree with her in a way by saying something like 'i know sweetheart, he is very loud when he cries, isn't he?'. Don't worry, you won't be encouraging her to hate him, it will just allow her to verbalise her feelings and feel understood. It's a bit of a way off for you yet, but Siblings Without Rivalry is a great book to have. Ignore the annoying American way it's written but the messages are very interesting.

Sounds like you're already very sensitive to your dd so I'm sure everything will be fine. But don't forget, even if things are difficult while he's a little baby, very quickly she will never be able to remember a time without him. Dd was looking at her first birthday photos the other day and was very cross that her brother wasn't in any of the photos!

Oh, thankyou all for your replies, I am obviously feeling very sensitive/hormonal because I am having a wee cry here to myself . All really great advice and it is good to hear some postive outcomes. We have been encouraging her to get involved and help with nappies etc which I thought she'd love as she is usually really helpful but she so dosen't want to just now so I think we will just lay off for a while. We probably have been erring on side of being very positive too although I did acknowledge her sad feelings with her yesterday, we will carry on doing so. It is very interesting Mackerel that you remember the arrival of your brother so clearly. I was thinking today that from DD's perspective there really is no apparent gain at the moment at all, though hopefully long term there will be . I love the milk squeeze elephant, fabulous. I will certainly give that a go with DD if she asks about it!! Thanks again all, much appreciated.

I am sitting 'playing' with my two and they have been amusing each other pretty happily for the past hour whilst I have been half joining in and also MNing!

They are now 2.3 and 4.4 and about 85% of the time they get on really well and like being together. It does get easier once the youngest can respond to the older one.

We still acknowledge the 'bad' emotions and agree that sisters/siblings can be frustrating and difficult - and we acknowledge all the times they are so lovely and kind to each other. DD1 is definitely DD2's favourite person - DD1 chops can changes!

We find it helpful as they get older to spend 1:1 time with each of them. DD1 is generally more clingy but is now at the age where we can go for lunch together occasionally whilst DP and DD2 do something else. Soon, DD2 will be old enough for lunch trips and DD1 will hang out with DP doing something different. They both do different things with both of us - and really love their 'mummy time'!

Congratulations on having your 2nd DC - I found the first 4 months with 2DC more exhausting than any time before or since.

Thanks Dysgu, lovely to hear a positive outcome. Lots of folk have said it should get easier when the baby starts to respond a little more and already DD is more interested when he actually does something other than sleep. Not that I am complaining, lots of sleeping is absolutely fine by me! i am also going to make a big effort to make sure DD still gets as much 'mummy time' as possible.

It's not what the books say, but when my DS was 2.0, my DD was born. I bought a lot of new toys for DS. It worked for us, 3 years on they are the best of friends and really stick together.