Tell me how you deal with (a) tantrums and (b) grabbing things off others with young DC (~15m)

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I'm painfully aware that I'm not clear on what the socially accepted etiquette should be when dealing with tantrums and grabbing when out and about in playgroup/activity situations, so looking for some input!

Tantrums
Yesterday we were at our weekly music activity class where DS (15 months) decided to throw a mini tantrum because I took my car keys from him which he had taken from my bag. Nothing major - but just started crying and arching his back. As we were in the middle of a song, I didn't want to disturb the others so I just picked him up and took him outside to calm down. Every time I opened the door to go back in, he started crying again so I stopped, waited and eventually he got interested by the music behind the door and wanted to go in himself. All good I thought.

Later on, he started up again for some reason that I can't recall. This time the class leader said something to the effect of 'don't worry, we're all mums here so don't feel you have to do anything', so this time I just let him writhe and cry on the floor until he calmed down and joined in again.

Both techniques seemed to work, but I felt mortified at the time as it was the first time he's ever played up like that in public! I'm really not sure what the best way is to deal with situations like this, especially when he is still quite young and obviously not very communicative. Was I on the right track? What else could I have done differently?

Grabbing
So, same venue, different issue!! After the tantrums, we were playing with all the musical instruments when DS wanders around to the other kids and gets interested in what they've got. (Other kids are older btw - around 2 - 4 years). By this point I've apologised for the tantrums and explained he's not been sleeping, and is very crabby at the moment and I'm dying through sleep depravation so neither of us in on form.

He goes over to one child and takes his drumstick (grabbing is unfair actually, he's not violent he just sees it and reaches out for it). I go over, Mum smiles and says its fine, so I get another identical drumstick and give it to the child explaining that DS doesn't understand sharing yet. No probs. DS goes over to another girl, does the same and this mother is absolutely fine and tries to play/interact with DS and involve him and her daughter with the instrument. I take it from him, explain that the girl had it first and that he can have later. Try to give him something else and he whinges but it okay. No probs. DS goes over to another girl (yes, I know I probably should have just kept hold of him by this point but this is over a 5min or so period) but this time I wasn't looking and didn't see him immediately. All I heard was the other mother shout at him 'don't take that, it's not yours' and grab the drum from him. She wasn't particularly nice to him and he looked a bit shocked at the tone and started to cry. I went over, apologised and pulled him away.

What is the best way to deal with this situation? He clearly is just curious and not being mean but I do want to teach him that it's not right to grab. Given the previous tantrumming episodes I just wanted the earth to open up and swallow me (I know I've got it all to come yet!) but I think it was just the first real time when someone else has seen fit to get involved in disciplining my child so I was feeling particularly sensitive.

Help!

You sound like your doing a fab job and imo the last mum u spoke of sounds like a pleb.

My son is 18 months and doing the exact same things as your little fella, I've never met a kid who hasn't gone through this sort of phase - it's part of learning social skills like sharing and not having tantrums.

The last mother sounds like a total idiot, she's trying to tell your child he can't have something by snatching it away and shouting? What a shining example that sets! Ignore people like her, you'll come across them from time to time and their sole purpose seems to be to serve as a warning to others.

You sound like you're doing a great job. When my son throws a tantrum at toddler group I just ignore him and carry on with whatever activity we were doing before he kicked off. He soon calms down and rejoins us. One or two mums tut or huff when he does it but they're stuck up types whose kids must poop rainbows and puke marshmallows they're just so damn perfect, the majority of mums in the group though just smile and commiserate because they've all been through it or are currently going through it.

When he grabs things I just take it off him and say something along the lines of "the little boy/girl was playing with it first, you can play with it later" and then I'll get him something else to play with. It seems to go in one ear and out the other but some of it must be starting to stick as his latest trick is to swap, so if he grabs a car and I give it back to the other child and give him a book he will take the car back again but give the other child the book instead. It's not amazing progress but it's a start lol.

You're doing great, ignore the huffy shouty types :)

I think you are doing great, and my only advice would be whatever you decide to do, be consistent with it and do that each time as this will help modify your DS behaviour and teach him how to share.

With grabbing. I take the toy back, and then say to my DS, we need to share, and it is not your turn yet, then find another toy. If it is with a good mate, them we modify the play and take turns, showing them how to share.

Tantrums- up to you, if it stresses you out and you feel all eyes on you, then leave. Otherwise, comfort, damage control and let the tantrum run its course. It is better to get it out than suppress it. I suppose you have to consider what sparked the tantrum and if there is anything you could have done about that.

That other mum sounds horrid. You on the other hand sound really considerate and kind.

what you are doing sounds fine, the 2nd mum sounds horrible - who shouts at a 15 months old?? they are only a baby, did she not realise his age? he is not being "naughty" as he is too young to know so all you can do is keep doing what you are doing and eventually he will start to understand
with tantrums i just go for the ignoring method myself, unless making a huge amount of noise i wouldnt feel the need to take him out but i think that just depends what you are comfier with. if any mum judge you for him having a tantrum they are just being silly, its very normal behaviour for this age.

Thank you all for your kind a reassuring messages. It has cheered me up no end and given me a little chuckle too! I love the 'pleb' description, makemeskinny and 'kids must poop rainbows and puke marshmallows they're just so damn perfect' is a one I'll remember next time I feel all eyes on me CBear6!!

Sounds like all of you do exactly the same things so I'll keep on what I'm doing. I agree ongakgak that consistency is the key and I've since had ample opportunity to follow through with dealing with tantrums (if anyone was within a 5 mile radius of Cambridge yesterday then I apologise for your shattered ear drums but DS really didn't want to be in his pram!)...

Firwla - I'm not sure if she does appreciate his age as he is very tall and often is mistaken for a toddler a good 4-6 months older. Although I'm certain that I mentioned it the first time I met her. Ofh well, , I'm glad I wasn't imagining her being a bit of a cow. Someone did ask me whether I was being oversensitive to someone else discipling my child but I really don't think so. I think it's important that children learn to respect adults and their wishes, I just don't think in this suitation that it was warranted...

Again thank you all