Uncomfortable with ex's approach to giving DS pocket money - what do you think?

[NoMoreSausageRolls]

I give DS (age six) £1.50 per week. He can do with this what he likes, but generally saves it. He gets a bit of bonus money from grandparents as a treat, or for being helpful - a few pounds here and there. I'm OK with this.

Hi dad (ex-partner) has recently taken to giving DS rather more than this. His dad has a habit of being very late, very often, and in an effort to kick this habit and/or as a punishment for not managing to, he's offered to pay DS £1 per minute that he's late picking him up. In the past week alone, this has equated to DS "earning" £27 - which of course he's delighted about. He's going to be taken to London on the weekend, where he'll be able to buy a biggish toy he's been coveting for his birthday (in June!).

I'm really uncomfortable with this arrangement. For one thing, I think it devalues the worth of money - the time and effort it takes (most of us) to earn it. It would take me over two hours to earn, net, what DS has been given by his dad in the past week; him getting it dished out to him by his dad for doing absolutely nothing won't help him appreciate that we earn money. Secondly, it undermines what I can do/afford for DS: I've offered to buy him a £6.99 toy as a reward for consistently achieving something he's been finding hard - and now he can afford to go out and buy three himself!

I've tried airing these concerns with my ex. He says simply that we have different parenting styles, and he doesn't want to teach DS that he has to work hard to earn money, but rather that he has to work smart. (Never mind that DS isn't doing any kind of working at all to get this cash!) I find this misguided and arrogant - but of course I can't do anything about it. Couldn't he encourage enterprise in a different way, or give the money to charity, if he's going to do this sort of thing at all - even a favourite cause of DS's - and at least that way teach him philanthropy?

Ah, I don't know. I'm venting as much as anything - feeling frustrated. This is a bit nuts, isn't it?!

I agree with you. I can see why you're upset.
Giving a 6 year old 27 pounds for the fact that his Dad is late seems over the top. It's a lot of money for one so young.
Would it be possible for such large sums to be put away in a bank account rather than being handed to him as cash?
He could see in his bank book that the money is that and could watch it building up for later. At that rate he could get some serious saving done!!!

Good grief I feel for you!! That is a very silly arrangement to have for all the reasons you have stated! "work smart"?? Ridiculous and I think it should be knocked on the head as soon as.

I have in-laws who do something similar at Christmas - they ask us what we're buying the dc's and then completely out-do us....for example, Xmas '10 we bought dd (5yo) a childs laptop, pink, with educational tasks on it, the ils bought her a real laptop, pink, with easy access to cbeebies! . Needless to say she doesn't really like or use the one we bought.

We bought ds1 (4yo) a 'pretend wii' that's actually a sega. They bought him a ps3! He refuses to play on the sega.

I know I sound ungrateful but they really pi55 me off! They can't even afford it and miss mortgage pymts to pay for this stuff, then we have to bail them out....

Sorry I digress .

This needs to be stopped as your ds is going to lose sight of the reward aspect of the money. If your ex is intent on doing this can an arrangement be set up where it goes straight into your ds's child trust fund? At least that way it willbe saved for another purpose.

xxxx

Thanks for your posts.

There's really nothing I can do about it: it's DS's dad's parenting, on his time. I have no right to take the money off DS (at least I don't think I have), and I can't stop my ex doing what he's doing.

So all I've done is explain to DS that I respect that Daddy does things differently to me, but that I don't agree with this, and that he won't be getting this much money for me. He seems OK with this.

Thanks for at least reassuring me I'm not unusual to find this arrangement ridiculous.

I don't think you need to take the money from your son.
I think you should help him and encourage him to save it in a bank account by his own choice.
If this money is coming to him with some regularity, there's no way he can spend it all. I imagine that he's getting a bit of cash building up in his room.
Rather than discussing how he can spend it, I would teach him about saving. It could make a fantastic nest egg for later.

Does you son really understand the about money.

I know my dd (also 6) thought I was great yesterday as she paid for something which was 25p and got lots of changed, and told me she had loads of money now.

I told her you has less money now and she said I know we did it at school and explain it but she was still really happy she had more coins :)

Great idea, RuthChan. I'll try the gentle encouragement to save approach. And believe me, DS could easily spend it all if he had the opportunity. There are some seriously expensive LEGO models he's coveting.

hpsaucy, DS does get it, yes. He has a numeracy kind of brain; adds up costs and works out change in his head on the spot. I have no doubt that he's well aware of what this money will enable him to buy. I can't decide whether or not to be impressed, or worried!