ashamed and guilty to admit it - bored and down on mat leave

[polar515]

Hi, not sure if this would be better on relationship therad, but here goes; I have a 5 month old DS who I find a joy and is a really good baby.

I am lucky enough to have a year off mat leave, which I know many would kill for.

However, I am really struggling with keeping up the exhausting momentum of looking after a baby and am starting to find myself frumpy and boring and am worried that my DH will feel the same.

All I seem to think and so talk about is baby related things which does my own head in - never mind anyone else's. I think in an attempt to use my brain and keep doing a job well I have over read and over analyse ever bit if baby care and then can be guilty of discussing this with DH when he gets home from work (BF, BLW, nap times, you name it).

I do get out the house, I'm lucky enough to have a car and go to groups where I meet other mums + go for walks / shopping etc, so I know I have nothing to moan about really, but I can't help finding it difficult and many of these interactions are solitary / about babies.

We have also had 3 evenings out as a couple since DS (I know, very lucky)

As much as I love my DS, the same play, songs etc over and over again can be monotonous. Even if we've been to a play group I find entertaining him for the rest of the day a big effort . When I am feeling like this and he smiles at me it melts my heart and makes me feel so guilty.

By the time DH comes in from work - around 6-7, I have got dinner ready and then take DS to bed ( I am BF so I have to do this).

I come down to a contrasting silent house and then and we both just veg in front of the TV half watchign stuff we're not bothered about because we're both pooped. All I can think to talk about is babies because that's been my day .

I am concerned this will affect our relationship as I was used to to feeling attractive being a busy, independent career girl and we'd go out several times a week for food etc. Once DS is in bed, it now feels part relief but also part like a house arrest.

I spoke to DH last night about us maybe starting hobbies etc and that we could start sharing seeing our own friends again in the week whilst the other stays in, but to be honest we're both so knackered (still getting up in night / v early), we don't feel like it.

I'm worried that long term this will affect our relationship and my general mind!

We're thinking of starting to try for DC number 2 later this year, which I am totally up for, but think how will I be with that when I'm off, but figured maybe then there wouldn't be any chance of being bored so it may suit me better!

How can I keep more of myself whilst not compromising care of DS? Has anyone else felt like this? I feel a bad mum and an unattractive wife.

Can you not cut your mat leave short and go back to work earlier? Not everyone - even those fortunate enough to be able to afford a year of - is cut out for being a SAHM.

After the birth of my first child I took a year off because I thought it would be the best thing all round. I hated it. It was exhausting and boring and I totally lost my sense of self.

After my second child, I went back to work when she was 5 months old and it was the best decision I ever made. I felt like 'me' again much more quickly, and my DD was absolutely fine in nursery, and with me and DH juggling picks ups, drop offs etc.

It is slightly worrying that you are so hung up opn whether your DH finds you attractive or not. I don;t mean that to sound harsh, but why do you think he doesn't? You have just had a baby, your whole life has changed...this isn't the time for being an edgy sex Goddess (although you may get that back [grin[), it's a time for embracing being a family and, hopefully, for the intimacy between you to come from the amazing thing you have just done together (create a life!).

a year off

I've been here. DS is nearly 1 and still wakes up several times a night, which is exhausting, and I'm back at work p/t so just want to go to bed when DH gets home! The best thing I found was forcing myself and DH to go out. It's like going to the gym - you don't want to go but like it when you get there! My parents have DS one night a week and last year we signed up for salsa classes and had a great time. When those finished, we started taking it in turns to organise the weekly date night so we go swimming, ice skating, to the theatre, cinema or out to eat or just go for a country walk. The default when we are poor is a DVD or boardgame at home :o

Do you have relatives who would be able to babysit for an evening? If not, could you get a babysitter in, perhaps on a less frequent but still regular basis? If this isn't possible, try to at least plan to something on a regular basis for you and your DH to do together at home. It doesn't matter what it is but the fact that you have something planned rather than vegging out in the evening is nice.

Apart from that, I know it feels like a huge effort and a waste of time but I found that it really helps if I make an effort to do my hair and wear ironed clothes every day, so that I at least didn't feel like a frumpy mummy. Maybe you already do that and my standards are just low but do something every day that makes you feel like you look nice, even if it is just washing and blow-drying your hair or putting on mascara.

I also looked into evening classes in my local area. Our council runs a huge programme of classes that cover a lot of areas so yours might have something similar. Doing something that is just for you and working towards a qualification or other goal could help you to feel like you're more than just a 'mummy' (not putting down being a mummy in any way but I sympathise with the one-topic conversations!).

Playing with your baby... When you're at home, try to have an activity you can do together ready planned so that if you then read your book for a bit while he plays you don't feel guilty. This book is great for ideas for age-appropraite structured activities you can do at home. It is good for babies to learn how to amuse themselves so don't feel guilty about not playing with him all the time. Having an activity planned also helps me to look forward to the time I spend with DS at home rather than dreading it.

I hope that helps!

Thanks subway. TBH I was worried before I has DS that a year may not suit me but thought I should at least give it a go because I could and thought I might feel differently after DS was here. I am just so used to being busy and having structure and am crap with no routine.

I've never been or are trying to be an edgy sex goddess and think the attractiveness thing it tied up in my feelings about myself and current roles rather than anything DH has said. He's always saying he loves me etc. I just feel like a frump and feel if I went back early I would be failing as a mother and it would seem like I didn't care for DS and would be giving up what other people would kill for.

I wrote a similar sounding thread last week ("Tired & Disappointed") and got loads of support from here. Luckily I don't feel that down every day and on my good days I've got a thing that keeps me going: I've joined a slimming club, which is really sensible and I don't need to starve at all. Since I joined I have lost a little bit every week and it really cheers me up. I also do exercise DVD at home and go for little runs when DH gets home from work. I know you said that you are really tired, but the "diet" has given me lots more energy than I had before. (However, I do understand if you are absolutely EXHAUSTED because of the lack of sleep, I was absolutely a zombie with my FB, he used to wake up at 5am and STILL wakes up during the night.)

5 months is still a bit of a boring age - I found that the 6-12 month period was brilliant, they are learning and doing so much. Plus you get all the joys of weaning

When you see other mums, why do you have to talk about babies? Find out what they did/do for a living, what their interests are, see if anyone wants to go to the cinema/theatre/pub one evening? Just because you all have babies that doesn't have to be the only thing you have in common.

Get your hair done, take DS for a walk round the shops and buy something new, you'll feel better!

Oh, and really don't entertain him all the time, let him entertain himself it is better in the long run... I did that with DD1, now 2.10, and her favourite phrase is now 'mummy, what we do next?', she is incapable of entertaining herself! Whereas DD2 will happily sit on the floor with a box of jingly jangly objects for ages - I learned my lesson!

Thanks AKWD.

Might try and start doing a gym class or something. Def need to find sense of self again. Totally agree the hair, mascara thing helps. I squirt of perfume too if I'm feeling like going for it!

I am in a very similar position, although my LO is only 3 months. I am very lucky that I have a very easy baby and am not particularly sleep-deprived but I am very bored! I am going to use my 10 keeping in touch days and then go back to work in September.

I am helping myself by writing an essay for my MA course (which is what I ahould be doing now!), inviting pre-baby friends round in the evenings and cooking for them during the day, going to some baby things (although I find them a bit dull and moany!) and going for long walks everyday.

I was thinking of going to 'buggy bootcamp' fitness classes but I'm really scared to go by myself! Bit pathetic really! I feel really unattractive and told my DH that and he looked at me as if I was mad and said I didn't look any different to him! I pointed out my flabby tummy and stretchmarks and he said he wouldn't have noticed if I hadn't said anything! I agree that clean, ironed clothes, clean hair and a bit of perfume/ mascara make a big difference.

I also found the first few months at home with my DS (now 2.5) really tough. I was used to working at a professional job and having a busy social life too and suddenly it felt like everything stopped! I exclusively BF too and found that very hard - no feeding problems as such, but I had quite a lot of physical issues with it (serial bouts of mastitis, thrush etc) and that coupled with the exhaustion and isolation made me feel pretty crumby a lot of the time. It also meant I HAD to be around DS so much as no one else could feed him so only limited opportunities to get any time to myself. Like you I went out to lots of groups, met other mums, managed to get out with DH on our own sometimes etc, but it was still very hard being home alone the rest of the time and I also found myself obsessing about all aspects of baby care. I must have driven DH mad with my constant stressing about BF, naps, etc!

If you are keen to do a gym class, why don't you try looking to see what is available in your area with something like buggy fit (fresh air helps me I find!) or else a gym class that has a creche so you can go during the day - I am always too knackered to go out to exercise in the evening! Will also help to pass the day. Try to make plans to meet up with your non-mummy mates too - you won't talk about babies with them and it'll make you feel more like "you" again. And even if you think you can't be bothered or are too tired you should go - even if you don't feel like it before you will enjoy yourself and be glad you have gone afterwards.

As time passes and your baby can do more then being with him will be less dull, but if you really want to go back to work then go. There are loads of great nurseries out there and ultimately your baby is going to benefit most from having a happy, fulfilled mummy - whether you work or stay at home.

And don't feel guilty about taking time to yourself - you are not compromising his care in any way by doing so and might well be improving it if taking time out for yourself makes you feel better in yourself. Hope you start to feel better soon.

Yes don't worry it's not just you - no-one tells you how boring babies can be sometimes! I used to look at the people going to work in the morning and feel nothing but jealousy, really missed the lack of structure and adult interaction too. As other posters have said it does get better - I think after about 6 months and esp when they start moving and communicating more, I enjoyed this period so much more. To be honest I don't think i'm much of a baby person and you may be the same - there's no shame in it and it doesn't make you a bad mum. My DD is nearly 3 now and I enjoy every minute with her (apart from the tantrums!) and we have a fab relationship I think.

Just hold on in there - look for some things for yourself as others have suggested, classes or whatever. I second that if you want to go back earlier then do so - I went back when DD was 10months and was so relieved and I really do think that having the "break" on work days made me look forward to seeing her more on the days I had with her.

Some people adore motherhood and the early baby days and that is fab for them but some of us don't - we are NOT bad mothers just different ones. I second that a happy mummy makes a happy child however that is achieved.

"feel if I went back early I would be failing as a mother and it would seem like I didn't care for DS "

Nope. Not a failure at all. Babies are adorable but their routine and their demands are NOT!

Can you take a bit of time in the evenings to go running? I tend to bang on about this but it's am amazing way to getter fitter and more toned and to take time for yourself. Good for mood too and when you see your distances increasing it makes you feel very pleased with yourself!

Can you find a local leisure centre that has a creche so you can leave your baby whilst you go to the gym/have a swim/beauty treatment or whatever . I had one near me when DS was a baby, it was very reasonably priced.

Also try and get involved in things that are not necessarily just other 'mums and babies' - I used to do voluntary work - where I could take the baby - but met lots of different people (one advantage is that there were so pleased to see a baby they would be delighted to give him lots of cuddles etc .)

Thanks everyone for some great suggestions.

I did run before DS so as the nights get lighter that's a good one. Also thinking of using some keep in touch days with work. Funny, I never knew I would miss work so much, wonder if it's a grass is greener thing as I didn't love it when I was there as such (!), but have always been a careery person.
Maryportas fan - I've been wanting to start a masters for a while before DS and everyone said your priorities will change when you have a child and you won't be bothered. Although DS is def now my top priority I would still be very interested in a masters - again must be bonkers!

Even though I would love doing a class in the day, don't think I'd feel happy leaving him in a creche just yet.

Don't you just think it must have been so much easier years ago when there wasn't all this stuff written about what is the perfect mother/parent/complex approaches to how to do everything (sleep/feeds etc)? I think if you're that way inclined now you can become obsessed and put pressure on yourself re stimulating your baby etc in the 'correct' way, which is very tiring and can make you a baby bore and submersed in babydome rather than just going with the flow and letting the baby fit in with your family life a bit? - I'm feeling guilty writing this now as DS sits looking at me in the jumperoo! silly I know Also perhaps a lot of women weren't used to having such careers / social lives etc and were maybe younger before having kids so they had less to miss / were more used to the stay at home mum role? (not to say you can't enjoy being a SAHM if you've had a career etc, just doesn't suit us all I guess).

Polar- I started my masters before I had DD (just before I knew i was pregnant) but it's definitely giving me something to do when I'm sick of housework. Although I have been very lazy this week.

I honestly really thought I'd love to stay at home with DD but it has made me realise that I love my job and I don't think there's anything wrong with going bsck to it whenever the right time is. I have noticed that my DD is starting to demand my attention a bit more this week so maybe my time will be taken up anyway!

True. I'm sure when the weaning starts I'll be up to my neck in puree's etc! Thanks x

In addition to all the great suggestions on this thread, do not feel under pressure to entertain your child all the time. As a baby he would be content enough to watch you do things around the house or looking at his baby gym/things on his Jumperoo whilst you read the paper etc... There is so much pressure on parents these days to entertain their kids all the time and then we end up with children who can't entertain themselves.

Thanks for this thread - I was feeling guilty that there are times when I just don't enjoy mat leave...DS is 4 months now and a very much wanted and planned baby and of course I love him to pieces - but there are days when you get up, and the whole day is stretching before you and you think, "what the hell am I going to do with him all day?" And yes, there are times when I do feel bored. I find the key is a weekly routine - so on a Tues I've got my BF group, Fri is baby club at the children's centre, Wed I go round to see my Gran with DS...you get the idea. That way if I have something planned for most days, the odd day when we're just in at home is a nice day where we can cuddle on the sofa and chill and just enjoy. It is much easier now he can look at toys, put them in his mouth etc so I can grab a shower with him in his bouncy chair in the bathroom and know he can amuse himself for a while. I know I'm going to dread going back to work, but I think once I'm back it'll really make me enjoy my time with DS even more.