Have I failed in teaching my children manners?

[Dancergirl]

Was chatting with my mum tonight. She said my dds have a tendancy to be a bit rude and demanding. For example, interrupting adults' conversations. I don't think they do it that much and if they do I will tell them.

She also said (when she was here at teatime a few weeks ago) that they were all demanding different drinks at tea and 'driving me mad'. My dds are 9.5, 8 and nearly 4 and they do like different juices but I don't mind buying say apple and orange juice for example. It all gets drunk, doesn't go to waste.

Then she said they were spoilt in terms of demanding my attention, apparently they want it NOW. I try and give my attention if they need it but if I'm busy I'll tell them give me 5 mins or whatever and they're fine with that.

I think my children are generally well-behaved and well-mannered. But they slip up sometimes and I try and correct them.

I was effectively an only child growing up (much, much older half sister) so my mum never had more than one child to deal with at a time.

I think with out examples it is hard to comment but

interrupting adults' conversations

I recall my gran telling me off for that, I think it is too demanding, all you need to do is tell the child to wait,.

At 9, 8 and 4 why can they not et their own juice?

Not sure about the interrupting but I would say they can get there own juice at that age. In fact my 9 year old can make a cup or tea or coffe for me.

do you trust your mums judgement? i would say this is hard to comment on without knowing your mum.
i would always appreciate feed back like this - its so hard for most people to say for fear of offending. at the least, it gives you reason to take a closer look at their behaviours/ your parenting - ask someone else for a second opinion?? you'll decide what's right

Probably best not to think in terms of 'failed'.

You said 'I think my children are generally well-behaved and well-mannered. But they slip up sometimes and I try and correct them'
which seems OK, but have you compared their behaviour to their friends? Maybe you do need to be a bit stricter on some things as they are getting to an age where they're no longer little and bad behaviour gets to be a bigger deal. And more annoying for outsiders?

Thanks all, perhaps I do need to be stricter on some things.

Re the juice: yes my children are perfectly capable of getting their own drinks and they usually do. This teatime in question my mum witnessed was a bit stressful as me and dh were going out early and it was a rush to get them all fed. So not typical.

Cece - my oldest can make a cup of tea but she finds lifting the kettle v difficult. How does your child do it or is my dd particularly weak?

Also, I find the whole discipline thing incredibly hard because I was brought up with none. My mum made loads of different meals if I didn't like the first one, I remember her giving me chocolate biscuits for breakfast and she couldn't discipline me at all to the point of me being terribly behaved at times .

I suppose that's made me a bit sensitive/defensive to my mum's comments because I'm determined to get it right with my children.

I find mothers suffer from selective memory. Mine claimed that we never could have got away with a whole list of things that I distinctly remember doing as a child. Of course, they tried their hardest to make us behave and gradually we got better. And afterwards, it's the end result they remember- not the long road it took them to get there.

My parents used to be completely adamant that grandparents had no right to interfere in questions of discipline, I can remember them holding forth at great length about this. Now that they are the grandparents, they are not so sure.

My mantra is "Childrearing is work in progress". Whether I will remember that when I am a grandparent remains to be seen...

Dancergirl,.. I am a Granny and I tend to think my daughters children are just as your Mum describes yours. You tend to see your children making 'mistakes' when you are a Granny because you have learned a lot having made mistakes yourself.

I doubt its just you - I have noticed that many Mums today seem to let their children interrupt when they are having a conversation, which is ok if its urgent - but usually its just attention seeking or pestering. My Grandchildren tend to be demanding too - because she lets them be,.. They are totally different when they stay with me - I am much stricter but they love being with me. I don't tend to offer choices on drinks or food - I have one type of juice on offer - or water, so there is never any conflict. Its to much choice that creates chaos !
I doubt your children are rude - they are just not the way your Mum expects them to be. My daughter has her rules at her house - but in my house they follow my rules. They seem to accept that

My kettle has a scale thing up the side to measure the water. She isn't allowed to fill it past the 2 cup measure as it makes it too heavy for her to lift.

I think that children often behave much better at other people's houses and save their worst for you.
I used to despair that mine would ever learn the manners that I repeated endlessly. When they were 7,8,9 they still forgot to say thank you instinctively in spite of always being reminded.
Yet I knew they were well mannered when at grandma's or friends because everyone commented on it.
A few years on though my perseverence has paid off and they are very well mannered. Plus they never leave the table without saying thank you for a lovely meal, even if it wasn't

Totally agree with cory. Grandparents view of what their children did is very 'rose tinted' and their memories have faded (just like their idea of what age their children were potty trained (apparently I was by 13 months...yeah right, of course!!!) and went into their own bed (again, at 13 months). Sounds like you are doing fine, OP.