Disagreement with mum over grandchildren

[Lottiegal]

I'm quite angry/upset now, but feel I need to get a bit of a rational perspective on this. I have two children ds, 3.5 and dd almost 2 and am pregnant 22 weeks. My mum looks after them one day a week for a few hours so I can catch up on housework etc. I feel extremely lucky to have her help and support as I know many don't get this at all.

Although lately I have noticed her behaviour is changing towards my children, and I frequently catch her doing and saying things that fundamentally go against my way of parenting. This has happened quite gradually, but it's got worse since the death of my dad 2 years ago. Quite often she shouts and scolds my boy harshly imho, when I may use the naughty room. She also bribes him to use the toilet etc with chocolates and then complains he never eats his dinner. She now only feed them junk food like chicken nuggets and chips and claims it's the only food they will eat, which is nonsense.

Today I tried to broach the subject, and she stormed out crying. I thought I had been really sensitive and just said, 'ooh please don't give Hugh a chocolate for making him have a wee, why not give him a gold star instead' She was really upset with me and said, 'how can you talk to me this way?' and 'I can't change, it's just the way I am'?

I don't know where I can go with this situation now as it's the second time I've tried to ask her if she's coping with them ok as I don't want to put undue stress on her. But! I also don't want my kids being labelled as naughty by her and picking up bad habits. I have already noticed my ds's behaviour changing when he is with her and it's spilling into home life. She's also constantly asking me how I will cope with 3 as if my ds and dd are so naughty already (that really makes me mad!)

In the past I have turned a blind eye as I appreciate the help she gives, should I make a stand or just let it go?

Thanks!

How old is she? Do you think she's finding it a bit too much to cope with? Possibly she is grieving for your Dad still and is depressed.
Very difficult situation.

On the one hand, if it's just for a few hours a week, maybe it won't be so damaging. But, on the other hand, I can really understand your feelings - this kind of thing with my parents really gets to me.
One day could you just sit down with her (when the kids are in bed or something) and just chat about how brilliant the children are and how they make such an effort etc.. Just to try to get her into a more positive frame of mind about the children. A bit of psyching up can go a long way... and if you can influence her so that she has a deep seated belief that these are really good kids, then that might make a difference. Can you ask her why she does things? - has she had trouble with him not going to the toilet? what happened when she gave them different food and they didn't eat it? Try to have a caregiver-to-caregiver chat without any judgement or direction from you. Just listen to her ... it might provoke her to think more about what she's doing and also be more open, feeling valued.
But, IMO you can't actually change her - people's reactions in a crunch situations with kids are hard for them to control - let alone if they don't really see the need.

She is 65, I have often wondered if it's too much for her. I asked her today, but she said no it wasn't, but she has made passing comments to the children like 'I can't take you to the zoo as it's too much for me' so perhaps you are right. It's really hard for me to make an impartial emotional judgement on this though. I know she does get depressed but her relationship with my dad was a bit unusual as they were living together as friends but not in the normal marital sense (estranged for 20 years) but she still misses the companionship so I'm sure she is quite lonely. My sister and I both try to visit/call her a couple of times a week and she has a good community around her.

Thanks Simic. The problem in our family is we are not very good at talking about things sensibly, she is Finnish and was brought up to consider talking about problems as a no go area, so she bottles it up and then explodes emotionally, it's a very tricky and sensitive subject to broach. I think she would consider me trying to chat about childcare on an equal level as a bit patronising to her and possibly a bit touchy/feely in an american way iykwim

If its affecting your children then stop using her for child care. You cannot demand she does it your way when she is, in effect, doing you a favour.

You are right Davsmum, but I think if I denied her time with the children it's making a bit statement and would cause quite a rift. Perhaps I should just turn a blind eye then, as you said it is a favour after all.

Well I wouldn't turn a blind eye ! I wouldn't have wanted anyone telling my kids they were naughty,giving them junk food, bribing them with sweets or screaming at them. You can try talking to her calmly ?

With my family its the other way round - I am always telling my son & daughter to stop shouting at my grandkids and stop bribing them with sweets or feeding them junk !
Perhaps I should swap my daughter for you cos we would agree on things !

Perhaps she's worrying how she will cope looking after 3 when your next one comes along....

She won't be looking after 3, she's said that

To be honest I think you are being a bit uptight. Its only 1 day, she is doing you a favour and its the grannys perogative to spoil the grandchildren.

My mother brings my DD to McDonalds, I brush it off as a treat that she has with granny but that i would never give her myself

Do you spend any time all together, with your mum and the kids? How do they act then? Perhaps you could invite her round for tea and serve something healthy that you know the kids will eat, eg spag bol, and then next time she looks after them say 'why not cook DS spag bol for tea, I know he'll eat that, remember he did the other day?'

And can you talk to the kids, explain she is sad since grandad died and they should try and be extra good for her, or are they too young for that?

If you think it's getting too much for her, could she just have the kids one at a time from now on? You could make up some excuse about how you want quality time with them one-on-one?