difficult teenager

[kissafrog]

I am feeling despaired and depressed. I have tried my best but I feel my daughter who is 13 ruining my life, changing the dynamics of my family. I She is treating me like a yoyo one minute she loves me and wants me to hug her and next minute she is really horrible and disrespecful. I feel like a total failure and ask myself how did I manage to turn an innocent kind loving little girl into a spoiled brat. She blames me for everything for being angry all the time and yet every single day she pushes my buttons and is unkind and ungrateful for all the things I do for her. There are times I really hate her because she hurts my feelings, never does what is told, trashes her room, nice when she wants something and if you say no she becomes stroppy and rude. I try my best to be loving but I cannot do it anymore because it is affecting my health, my life, my work. I regret putting her into private school because all that education has turned her into spoiled person who does not appreciate things. And it's all my fault. I feel such as a slap on my face for I have sacrificed so much to give her stablility, opt for part time to be there and yet she is now manipulative and says things to make me feel bad about myself all the time. My back hurts, my heart hurts and even though everyone keeps saying teenagers are like this and we need to understand them . Whilst we understand them are they trying to understand us? Isn't something wrong with our world these days because people have lose sight of right and wrong. We make excuses for bad behaviour and explain away to make it easier for us to swallow the pain. The truth is these children have not been disciplined for taking consequences. If the school punishes student for being late and make them stand in front of everybody and explain what time they went to bed and therefore they could not get up etc will they do it again. I feel helpless because our society does not help us, the media does not help us and our teenagers do not take responsibility for their own actions and we are always there to pick up the pieces. I am so unhappy and it is making my life a misery.
Does anyone know any teenager parent support group?

The teens board here is good

Parentline plus has helped me too

But what you described sounds normal....... I have 2 teen dds. One well behaved focused and pleasant, the other is the opposite.

Private ed has nothing to do with it.

Its normal for this age group to be like this. There is a great video you should watch that explains teen changes and impacts on family with some top tips on what to try.
www.parentchannel.tv is where you need to get some advice.

agree, she sounds very normal to me. doesn't sound like she's done anything that bad... like getting expelled etc.

we had a massive row with my son just before christmas and things have been amazing since then - i keep pinching myself. he had what were for him some very severe punishments - mobile cancelled and pc. but before that he was just like your daughter. my coping mechanisms was to try and let it wash over me, keep his bedroom door closed so i didn't have to see the mess and decide on where i wanted to stand my ground.

try not to let her press your buttons - easier said than done i know.

tell her how you feel and start saying no if you don't want to do something for her and explain why ...ie you don't feel like it because she's not pleasant to you. but be calm, switch off a bit.

Hi Kissafrog, I do feel for you, you sound totally exhausted and I'm sure you're trying your very best.

Now I've always hated it when people advise me to read books on stuff to help me but I must say that only a few weeks on here someone recommended When Your Kids Push Your Buttons by Bonnie Harris - sorry I'm rubbish with links but you'll find it on Amazon.

Well I read it and trust me it really does open your eyes and makes you laugh/cringe at what you do and say to kids, be it little ones or teenagers. I'm glad I took the time to bother to read it as I don't usually and it has helped me tremendously.

I hope you find piece of mind and a calmer daughter soon x

in calmer moments it might be worth trying to discover if there is a reason for her blow-ups. I recently had a massive barney with my 13 year old and it turns out that he has long been harbouring thoughts that we prefer his sibling for various reasons which has obviously been a huge burden for him. I hope now that this has been aired and discused and cried over (by us both) that things might improve. But your daughter sounds perfectly normal. You need to find coping strategies as she won't be like this for ever!

You are allowing her actions to affect you ! You are the adult and you need to take charge of her.
My daughter was like this and I felt powerless because I was upset that she seemed to hate me and I kept trying to make her happy because I felt it was my fault ! Once I stopped being soft and told her exactly what I would and would not put up with and stuck to it - she got worse,..until she realised she was on a loser.

Teenagers will challenge you and try to demand things to be their way but they really need a parent who will show their love by being fir, fair and consistent !
She doesn't HAVE to like you - but one day,if you stay strong,... she WILL

I don't have a teenager yet, but I was this awful teen. That stage was terrible for me and worse for my Mum who I now have a good relationship with. It's hard to understand what they are going through I suppose, for me it was boys, bitchy friends (and trying to be accepted) pressure of exams along with changing body, hormones and not being treated like an adult. She might not open up about what her problems are but there will be many and feel like it's the biggest thing in the world and no-one has gone through it worse than her!! I'm already envisioning the clashes I will have in the future and I'm dreading them. I hope things do get better for you soon x