Divorcing male needs mental health check

[swissfil]

Hi all you mumsnetters,
I'm totally new to this but as my wife has been using it for years I'd thought id give it a go.

I am getting divorced although that's not why I'm here.
I feel I have been controlled in my marriage and am concerned that this control is also being put onto my 9 yr old son. I am soon to leave the family home and have some issues I would like some input on, if at all possible.

My son is a typical 9 yr old boy, quite bright good at sports, reading age of 11. He moved into a bigger bedroom last year that was donated by his big sister as she is at Uni. My wife said that we should paint the room in neutral colours(ie no colour) and there will be no posters on the walls or anything to distract him when he goes to sleep. This has left the bedroom looking rather "guest-like" and not what i would expect for a nine yr old boy. I remember my bedroom when i was his age, i picked the colour (within reason), put posters up of footballers, royal marine etc etc. Every time I challenge my wife about this she says its in his best interests, and will not discuss it further, and if i try an argument ensues.

Any thoughts?

Next....
Would you leave a 9 yr old in the bath alone?
My wife insists that we cannot for safety reasons leave him alone, he may drown. He may drown if he slips and knocks himself out, but so could any child? I appreciate young children not being left alone, but it seems my wife will not recognise he is turning into a young man now. he is a competent swimmer, good snorkler and can dive. Is she being overprotective/controlling or am I being irresponsible?

Your thoughts please would be appreciated.

As i am due to leave my marriage shortly I am questioning my own judgement about being a parent, and i am concerned that although I love my son unconditionally that my parenting skills may not be upto the standard required.

I am a good father, I do lots of stuff with my son, and that will not stop just because I wont be there 24/7. He is going to stay with me at least 8 nights of the month or more and I am looking forward to quality time with him that is not in a controlling environment.

Should I trust my own judgement and let him have a 9 yr olds bedroom or would that be destructive in terms of what his mothers opinion is.

Please help if you can

Thanks
Phil

Phil, your own judgement sounds perfect!

Is it just those two things, or are those examples and there are more?

my son is only 3, but I have daughters of 12, 10 and 6 so...

1. Yes he should be allowed to have some input into the decoration of his bedroom. Posters are fine in my book. If your wife insists it stays a neutral colour then can he pick the duvet cover?

1. Yes he can be left alone in the bath! he's going to get to the age that he wants his privacy. I would stay within earshot purely to limit the amount of splashing onto the floor...

Thanks Bink,

yes there are more, loads in fact but im not going to list them all on here.

He was not allowed to choose duvet cover either- that is definitely guest room standard.

Definitely let him have a 9 year old's bedroom - he will love it. It is supposed to help children deal with a split family if the rules/structure is basically the same, but we haven't done that! My DSS has adapted fine to our rules (which tend to be stricter but more family-focused) than his mum's.

The bath thing is definitely ott (and I speak as a mum who is definitely on the protective side). I think as mums we often get controlling and overprotective of our children when we are feeling stressed. It may be that she becomes less controlling once your marital situation is resolved, I guess.

Your son and his mum will have to find their own way through this - and you and your son will develop your own way of being together too. You sound like a lovely dad, with great instincts from this post. Very best of luck to you.

OK, just wondering about context.

On your examples, her views are, I think, out of the norm of what I've seen (I have an 11yo boy). They seem like the approach of someone who is living with an unusual level of anxieties - the bath one is obvious, but the room-decor anxiety might be something perhaps about him not getting enough sleep & not developing properly because he isn't getting enough sleep ... etc. But they are out of the ordinary, I do think.

However - those two examples aren't actually harmful to your son - they make one feel a bit sorry for him, but they're not doing him damage. Would it be possible for you and she to agree on a limited set of approaches where you will accommodate her anxieties - but that it is to be a limited and specific list?

Do you have any mediation type involvement in your divorce arrangements? In your place I would want the list discussed and agreed with a third (authoritative) party - because you need to be protected, and (I think) she needs to have her level of anxiety acknowledged. I suspect at some level she can't help it. (Sorry for all the cod psychology.)

she has always been controlling where he is involved, whether its making him come back from cub camp a day early because he'll be tired or always insisting that we have to have a sunday lunch without fail, even if its mid summer and 100 degrees, roast beef and yorkshires are the order of the day!!! NO DISCUSSION...

I wonder why im leaving?

swissfil your judgment sounds pretty good. My children are 6 & 8 and have a lot of input in decorating their own bedrooms. Children need to feel comfortable in their own bedrooms - "guest neutrals" are definitely out in my view.

I always leave my children alone in the bath (but stay upstairs within earshot) if only to limit the splashing!

Sorry to say, but your wife sounds like she has serious issues - coming back from cub camp a day early etc. She needs to get some help because her parenting of your son is seriously skewed and will certainly mess him up - if it hasn't already. Controlling parents are very damaging to a child and I speak from experience.

Please trust your own judgment with your son so at least he can have experience of one "normal" parent.

My DS (9) definately wants/needs his privacy in the bathroom now and I feel he is perfectly safe to be left alone.

He also still has very much a boys bedroom with football posters and duvet covers etc.

You sound perfectly reasonable to me.

swissfil I totally get where you are coming from. Coming home from cub camp a day early !

I have to say though, be very very careful of doing things too diffrently from home.

Your wife could be a number of things but she loves her son (right?) and he, even if she drives him potty, will love his mother deeply.
My parents had major problems and now as a 34 yr old with children of my own, I honestly can't believe the way they behaved.
I don't speak to my dad at all and my mum is hard work - but I love her because she is my mum even with a mountain of faults.

If he comes round to yours and it's all whoo hoo, red, blue and aluminous yellow and fish and chips on sundays, sod the rules of Margaret Thatcher back home , believe me, he might enjoy it temporarily but he will be full of questions about both of you.

He may feel he doesn't know what is right or wrong anymore or where to turn.

He is 9, and what he knows is all he has lived with so far IYSWIM and he is still very young. He needs stability, a little consistency and to know that both his parents don't HATE each other and love him.

Even if your wife is nasty about you to him, believe me, he will feel safer and happier if at least one of you avoids the temptation to slag the other one off.

He will feel he can talk to YOU later if you don't make little subtle remarks or snide comments or even look like you are enjoying the moment of, ah ha, im right and she's wrong.

All of these things he will feel deeply.

I think a little choice at your place and your influence will be good under the circumstances but don't make him feel anxious and wary of his life by completely berating his mothers way.

You can spend the time in other more subtle ways, boosting his confidence, decision making skills and making him feel valid. Maybe with helping you decide on decoration for your place or what is for tea or what you should both do that day. Subtle and slow would probably work better.

Sorry for rambling on, im sure you already realise all of this but I just felt for your boy as I kind of know how it is for him.

PS _ you sound like a lovely dad though!

Hi I have a 10 year old son and he has been bathing alone die a few years now, he runs his own bath now too and my only rule is that he doesn't lock the door but I give him privacy and will only go in if he calls for me, which is v v rare! He is also responsible for putting away his own clothes, choosing what to wear etc and I only nag him occasionally when I notice a lack of boxers going into the wash! We also have a deal that he chooses his own clothes in town as long as they are 'sensible' and he gets what he actually needs.... I pay for that, any extra he can buy from his picket money (he has a Natwest account with his own cash/debit card)... His bedroom he chose the colour and helped paint and he has posters and certificates on the Walls and a picture of new York he bought himself! I also respect his privacy in his room...

He also now walks/buses to school alone and I let him
Meet his friends in town at the weekend... At high school he needs independence!

Good luck, I think you may need to encourage his independence from your side!