My 2.5yr old dd hits and throws things and I can't reign her in

[snowcake]

I put this into behaviour but it may be better suited to Parenting. I am clearly making a mistake dealing with her but I don't know what to do.

I've read 2 other threads that echo what I'm going through with my eldest dd. She's 2.5 yrs old, very articulate, speaks in good sentences and can be the kindest, happiest little soul.

Since her sibling arrived (now 5 months old) she has taken to awful tantrums, screaming rages and most recently to hitting me, DH, the baby and throwing objects (blocks, spoons, her small cutlery, full bottles, etc)

I have tried to ignore smaller misdemeanors but am definitely not going to ignore hitting and throwing. I have reasoned with her, tried the naughty step (don't actually like it and think my dd doesn't take it seriously as she howls while she sits there and as soon as she says sorry she gets down and does it again).

I have shouted and smacked her fingers (not hard but she felt it) when she hit me and the baby or held her hand very tight when she threw something at us, she always aims for the face.

Nothing works and I am sick and tired of her behaviour. She can communicate very well, so it's not like she can't express herself. She does it when she can't have her way (tantrums) but I don't know where the throwing and hitting comes from.

She pinches my skin sometimes and I wonder if something has been going on in nursery because ever since a boy there hit her and scratched her she seems to think it's okay. Nursery has downplayed it but I'm really at the end of my tether. I have spoken to them but get the old: It's normal for their age.

FWIW: I was spanked and hit badly when I was young, my father would put the fear of god in me with his screaming. I am scared of history repeating itself when I shout and grab her to take a time-out, though never as he did. However I did not hit or pinch or throw things when I was small. Not once.

She doesn't understand no, either. She waon't hold my hand on a busy street, she runs across parking lots.

She says sorry, then does it again.

I am expecting number 3 now and I'm sick of having to fight with my eldest every single day.

Any advice?

She's 2. All 2 year olds are inherently evil. The best advice is always to be consistent, so pick a discipline method and stick to it. If she repeats behaviour, repeat the discipline until it clicks. I always tried to have a '1,2,3' approach, so the first offense got a warning, the second got a telling off and a warning, the third got the ultimate sanction (naughty step worked for DS1, not a cat in hell's with DS2. For him I had to remove things). Tiny people are all about the attention, and it's an interesting social experiment to drive mummy mental. She will grow out of it :) DS1 used to launch things on a regular basis. He is now a very popular, kind, thoughtful 10 year old.

Thank you ChickensHaveNoEyebrows (fab name btw!) I think my problem is consistency. Two minutes after I shout I kiss her. I know, I'm useless at times. I have never been so utterly desperate for things to get better though. I will try your advice as she's off nursery anyway. Many thanks!

"I think my problem is consistency. Two minutes after I shout I kiss her" - I don't think that's what's meant by being 'consistent' - I think it is more a case of if DD hits and shouting at her works for you as a way of discipline, always do that when she hits. Don't, for instance, use the naughty step one time, take a toy away the next, play it down the next, as then the child doesn't know what to 'expect'.

Also just because she can communicate very well, doesn't mean she can express herself 100% of the time. Tantrums are a way of expressing extreme frustration, but I suspect the concept of frustration may be beyond her. Have you tried showing her you understand what she's trying to communicate, e.g. "You want to go to the park, but we can't, and that makes you sad? I'm sorry you're sad. That must feel horrible. What can we do instead to make you feel better?" Empathy with a toddler is hard but really important. It doesn't seem like the end of the world to us but to them it may be - just acknowledging, rather than downplaying that, can help.

"However I did not hit or pinch or throw things when I was small. Not once." How do you know this? No-one has a comprehensive memory of being a toddler. It is a deveolopmental stage. bizarre if you skipped it. If your parents tell you this then I suspect it is a case of rose-tinted glasses that comes with the passing of years between their own toddler-wrangling days and now, plus they have a vested interest in believing their own parenting style was justified/right.

FWIW just because you got cross with her I don't think you should withhold affection. Just because they don't stop doing something immediately, doesn't mean they're not learning. It's a process rather than a quick-fix, in my limited experience.

You have my sympathies, I am currently trying to wrangle a spawn of Satan spirited and independent 3yo with a 4 month sibling.

Currently having some succes with 1-2-3 Magic, DD is learning that if mummy gets to three, privileges get removed.

I know it's hard, but you should try not to get physical/shouty with her as it's a bad example etc. I am a terrible offender at this ; like you, I was yelled at and hit a lot as a child and I find it really hard to step away from that path. Have managed not to hit her, but have dragged her out of a room/off the baby and so on. And been shouty-shouty mummy.

Hi Snowcake - I had this with my DS2, he was only 22 months when his sister was born and he turned into a tantrum throwing, missile launching nightmare. We tried everything - timeouts, punishing, with-holding toys - nothing worked until in desperation I tried love-bombing. Unbelievably it worked a treat. Everytime I put the baby down I took him on my lap for a cuddle, paid him lots of attention, sat on the floor and played with his toys etc etc. It wasn't easy becauce god knows it's the last thing you want to do when baby sleeps and the housework is piling up around your ears. When he got cross or frustrated I got down on the floor at his level and really listened to what he was trying to say, if both he and baby were crying I would go to him first - even if it was just a token cuddle and back in a sec. He is now almost 8 and probably the best behaved of my 3 dcs.
Also, I am from a family when we were regularly smacked/ hit and I really struggled to break the cycle.

Snowcake, you have my deepest sympathies.
I too have a 2.5 yo DD who pushes me to the outer limits on a regualar basis.
We have tried everything but my friends tell me she will grow out of it.
Last week we had to leave 2 different places because she had pulled one child's hair and bitten another.
I have 2 older DSs who were both beautifully behaved little ones with not a scrap of aggression in them. When I had my DD I didn't think it would be like this.....

I don't agree that 'all 2 year olds are inherently evil' - I think this has more to do with the way you view children.
Yes toddlers want your attention but I think this is normal and not a bad thing - just hard work for parents sometimes.

I am having similar problems with my DD 22 months who grabs a faces and pulls hair of other children. I am finding it hard to deal with but after a lot of thought the other day I think perhaps it is an attention thing so CDMforever, the love bombing idea might work. It may be that when at a playdate I need to focus ALL my attention on DD rather than chatting to the other mum when the grabbing behaviour usually happens.

you are hitting her fingers - so she has chosen to follow your example.

maybe she needs more 1 to 1 attention. try playing and having fun with her. she needs some positive attention.

also encourage her to use her words instead of tantruming.