Am I mad- age gaps and 2-3 kids!

[leahbump]

Hi all,

I have a ds 20 months old and ds 2 8 weeks old. We know we want another and had originally though that we'd have one later (when the ds's are at school)- but my mum was the youngest of three with a big gap between her and her siblings and she thinksa third will get left out whatever age gap but esp with a bug one. So now I am thinking well, maybe I want the baby bit out the way, and I'd like them to be close...

So I am thinking when ds 2 is walking i should ttc again (ds 1doesn't walk yet!)....but i am not sure

anyway any experiences of three under 4 would be great to hear about and any other relevant experiences!!

It's early days, but I like to plan ahead!

Another issue to consider is how difficult it is to get out and about with three close in age. I've been quite lucky in that dh works odd hours so is at home a lot in the morning. That means I can get away with only taking two out at a time (taking three littlies round the supermarket would take send my stress levels sky high). But it's worth considering how you will feel about being more housebound.
Don't want to seem negative. I love having three and now that youngest is starting to stand it is ABSOLUTELY AMAZING to see three little beings wandering round the house. But I think it has been harder than I imagined in ways I didn't predict i.e. the mental strain of having three such dependent people and the endless patience required

I had 3 under 4 and ended up going back to work (albeit part-time) because I couldn't cope with it (& then had 4 under 6 so I was obviously mentally unstable )

Number three was born on number two's 2nd birthday, and the eldest was 3.5. Number four then came along one week after number three turned 2.

We worked shifts around them and I never took them out on my own. Most often either me or DH would go somewhere, perhaps with one child, and the others would stay behind with the other parent. We had a lot of "violence" between the children (pushing eachother downstairs, or hitting) because they were all so little and at a similar stage- the most frustrating thing was not being able to put the washing out because if I left them unsupervised for a couple of seconds they would be up to no good. It didn't help that the younger two (then three) had to share a bedroom, and we had a phase of number three getting out of bed and coming downstairs. Trying to make him stay in there he woke the others.

Life was very stressful for many years.

Now we are getting to the other end & there are different stresses. We are facing the prospect of them all leaving home within a short space of time, which is actually quite sad. We have had one year of eldest doing A levels (& uni visits), next one with GCSEs. This year we have A levels (& uni visits/job interviews), GCSEs and SATS (can't wait!)

Friend of mine has 3, each born 20 months after the previous one. She said it was hard to start with but nice now.
An ex boyfriend of mine had an older sister (just a couple of years) and they were very close, then a much younger sister (about 5 years). She has always een left out, never felt part of their "gang"!

Age gaps: -
1&2 2y9m
2&3 16m
3&4 15m
4&5 2y5m
5&6 20m
6&7 17m
7&8 23m
8&9 3y4m

Hard work at times but great

I've got 3 ds's gaps are between 1&2 19 months, between 2&3 21 months.

Eldest is still only 4.5 so it's still very hard going for me, but lovely all the same. I'm banking on it getting much easier when they are all at school!!

So when ds3 was born they were

ds1 3.4
ds2 21 months
ds3 0

I have 6 years to the day between my girls and I find it really hard hard work sometimes and we have had a few probs lately with dd1 feeling she doesn't get enough attention. I would love another but am put off by dd1 feeling eft out even more. dd1 is 7 and dd2 is 17m

I've had three in just over 4 years, my youngest (ds) is nearly two now, eldest dd1 has just turned six, middle one (dd2) is 4.5. They all play together well - my middle one has SN so like a younger child is most repects, her and ds (no.3) adore each other and always have an absolute riot. Only problem in that respect is that the youngest really misses his big sisters during the day, particularly dd2 as she's just started school.
But yes, it's really hard, dh and I seem to be tearing our hair out all the time; having said that, so many people have 3 and seem to cope just fine, it's probably just us!

YOU'RE AN INSPIRATION. WHAT ARE THEIR AGES?

My ds and dd1 are 22 months apart.dd1 and dd2 are 24 months apart

Respect to everyone who has several children spaced close together. I wish I had the nerve to go for it. However having several little ones can be so stressful, that it is actually one of the key predictors for mental illness, to have 3 children under 5. So I guess it is not to be advised unless you are definitely sure it is what you want!

Really?! So that's why I'm seriously unhinged?!

Yes, it's seriously hard work at the moment (mine are all 4 and under) and you can lose the plot now and then - but still, I'd rather do it this way then get one child to 4 or 5 and then start with nappies, bottles, potty training all over again.

Get them all through those early years sooner I say - the sooner they are all at school

'than' not 'then'!

My SIL is just pg with her 2nd and her dd1 is 4 - y'know, almost at school, potty trained and basically her life is easy peasy. But she's starting all over again having got rid of all that baby stage ages ago and I personally would find that tougher.

It must also be somewhat harder to find activities that suit both children. For me it's easy as they are all close in age AND all boys - so trains, planes and diggers does it for all of them!

Frannykenstein - never heard before that three under five was a key predictor for mental illness. Can you tell us anymore or give a reference?
TIA

Have no experience of gaps like this myself but my mum had three under 3 1/2 then another one three years later and she seemed to cope fine - although I do remember her once locking herself in the loo once and sobbing at us all to go away and leave her alone. I think this was a one-off though.
Also me and the two brothers nearest me in age got on well and played together a lot which probably helped.
I've got 4 as well but with huge age gaps 4 years then 6.5 and 6.5 years and tbh there are major disadvantages with this. As Gobblediegook says you just get one child off to school and then have to start all over again.
So I don't think your mad.

Mog - I saw a list when doing a sociology course. Can't remember who the list was published by but will try and have a search now. It was fascinating - things like having lost your mother under a certain age were also strong predictors. The 3 children under 5 one stuck in my head for some reason. I remembered it when working for a woman who had 4 kids under 5, and tried to look after her too as I can't imagine how difficult it must be!

thanks everyone...it's great to hear your expereinces.

I have heard the 3 under 5 thing- from a friend who is a dr- a phsycologist!

I do think I am able to say..it's temporary and will pass. What worries me is if I have a ds3 will I want another just in case we can have a dd?? I would love to have a daughter...hmmmm...know I want three kids whatever though!

franny,

my mil had 4 under 5 at one point but she is mad.

No experience of 3, but I have 2 with a 17 month age gap. Youngest is now 20 momths and it is lovely as they play with the same toys, if we go out they are interested in the same things. I would like 3 but personally dont think I could cope with 3 young ones, I'm 37 and dont feel that I want another child at this age. Perhaps if I had started a lot younger I would have my 3rd with a big age gap, but think I would have to accept that he/she would be like an only child. DH's sister is 12 years younger and either though they love each other, they dont have many shared experiences. II personally dont know how we would cope with 3 under the age of 5, at least with 2 adults and 2 young children you have 1 adult responsible for one child when you go out/holidays etc.

leahbump - I've got 3 ds's and there is no way I'm having any more (the surgeon has seen to it anyway - good old dh!) If I did have another I'd want a boy now anyway as that's what I'm geared up for and they are a great little gang. It would just be too wierd having a girl. I'm happy with all my boys - I always wanted 3 children too and never really cared if boys or girls.

I had three under 4 and it was fine, they all played together and still do. Now I've got 5 - dd 9 and dss 8, 6, 4 & 2wks. Regret the big age gap between the last 2 - took a while to persuade dh for no.5. But this is my last - no more room left in the car

I have 26 months between 1 and 2 and 16 months btween 2 and 3. DS2 is one tomorrow and the hardest part was definately the pregnancy. They get on great and I worry about DD starting pre school as i'm not sure what DS2 will make of being left home alone with me!

Can I ask those of you with three under five - can you keep the house tidy? No matter how hard I try it just never seems to happen. There is always one or other dragging out toys, needing changed (so keep some clothes downstairs), washing drying - you know the drill.
Have to say I wasn't that good at it prior to children, but anyone got any tips?

Just keep it as tidy as I can, it's never all perfect (and they're 1, 4 & 5 now).

Please tell me someone has good news about big age gap...DDs are 5 and 6 and No 3 is due in Feb.