Help me change this!

[solooovely]

Hi. I have some issues and would like to sort them out but not sure how.

I grew up with a brother who has some sort of special needs which were never diagnosed (as they weren't so much then) and so he didn't get any help and neither did we. I think he might have Aspergers or something like that but also has low intelligence (but can usually hold down a job) and a really awful temper. Growing up with him was horrible and he was always punching things and freaking out in a huge (complete out of proportion) way and would have to be restrained, either that or we all tipped toed around him. He also hit me/kicked me etc loads and no one did anything because it was too much for them to cope with and they weren't capable.

Anyway the problem I have now is that if my own children behave in a way which reminds me of him I get very, very angry. I have so much anger and it's horrible for my children. For example, it triggers something in me if they speak loadly suddenly, as he was always shouting, everything he said he shouted. Also if they don't understand something which I have explained a few times already. I think this is because my brother lacks logic and often wouldnt understand simple things and would then get very angry about it and hit me. Or if one of them hits the other I go ballistic.

I can't stand any behaviour which is anything like him which is very unfair on my children. I find myself shouting and kicking things which makes me no better then him and is behaviour which will be passed down I fear.

I also have trouble with never getting a moments peace as I never did when I lived with my brother as when I went to sleep he would be shouting and when I woke up he would be shouting. Of course children are very demanding but I didn't realise how much I needed quiet until I had my children as I'd been living with just my DH for many years and had got used to not living with my brother and all that came with him.

I had had counselling before but was wondering if there is a type that you can get which is specifically targetting not repeating your own childhood with your children. I sort of feel I need help with more counselling but also my parenting and probably anger management as well. I am generally a decent mum as I try very hard and am quite critical about my own parenting as I so want to get it right, but when I am tired and stressed this stuff is more obvious and I don't seem to be able to keep it in check so much.

Also, if my dcs do something daft or not even that daft I can feel myself thinking "are you stupid?!". How horrible is that! Obviously I don't think my children are stupid and my thoughts are more directed at my brother.

I even feel guilty about that though as it's not his fault he is the way he is. It was just so horrendous to grow up with and have no one protecting me from it.

Hun you are living with the aftermath of your childhood. You recognise that you need counselling. Speak to your GP if you are that worried because s/he will be able to point you in the right direction. It may be you need counselling as a family. It may be some other form. I am not qualified to advise you, but your GP will be able to help in some form.

I hope you get it sorted for you and your children and don't feel bad, everyone is a product of their own experiences in life. You are just seeking help to ensure your children don't have the same experiences. (((HUGS)))

Thank you Gonzo! I think I'll make an appointment and see what my gp says.

hello - the book 'When your kids push your buttons, and how to deal with it' by Bonnie Harris might help. She is talking about this exact issue. Ie how your childhood can create anger issues that you re-enact with your kids, obviously completely unintentionally.

I didn't have difficult experiences like you've had with your brother, and reading it changed my life.

In fact I am going to review it now for Mumsnet as it took me a while to find out about it, and I don't think there is another book out there like it. [devotee emoticion]

HoegaardenHappiness Hi thats for the book recommendation. I've looked it up and am going to get it next time I have a bit of money.

I had issues in my childhood. Mostly a bad tempered father and brother who were very unstable people.

I know exactly how you feel as I never thought of myself as bad tempered until I had my own children.

My problems mainly came out in anxiety but I suddenly found myself ranting like my controlling dad at times.
I went for Cognital Behavioural Therapy and it was brilliant.

I am very critical of myself (and my kids) too and that would all be dealt with during CBT.

The fake child feeds the critical adult.

The child who tried to calm things down, stay out the way, felt in the middle. That's why you are critical now IYSWIM.

Anyway, I found it so useful and I try every day not to fly off the handle or to put myself down.
I can see Im not my parents now, nothing like them in many ways so it's not history repeating itself which is what I started fearing.

You already say you recognise when you do it so your already one step ahead of yourself.

Hi sneakapeak - I found it very interesting and helpful that you've been through a similar thing. What do you mean though about fake child fedding the critical adult? Sorry I've read it a few times but can't get it to make sense in my head.

I am aware that when I was a child I would think about how I wouldn't let my own children be like that and behave the way he did, so now I think I'm subconsciously taking it to extremes.

ps. I've had anxiety problems too.