Finding it hard to cope with 2nd child

[Viksteri]

I have a 30 month old son and a 10 month old daughter.

My daughter is very clingy and whines a lot. She's mostly ok when other people are around to hold or amuse her.

I spend time with her, playing and cuddling and laughing but as soon as I start to do something else she becomes unhappy. If I sit her down she holds on to my legs and cries.

I know that it's probably down to separation anxiety but this has been going on for months now and it's really getting me down.

I feel that I don't want to be around her and I say to my husband that sometimes I've just had enough of her.

I don't feel like a very good mum this time around. I don't remember feeling this way with my son (who's 2 and a half and mostly a really happy toddler, and of course hard work too)

I'm worried that my feelings towards her now will affect her development. Don't get me wrong I am loving with her, but inside I just want to run away. I know it's not her fault. It's me, but I don't know how to change how I feel.

I don't work, we go to three play sessions a week and we see friends and family too so we're not isolated. My husband works long hours so isn't around to help with domestic things. Has anyone else felt like this?

Viksteri - Sounds very hard but also quite typical. I haven't been in quite your situation, I have twins so no age gap, but I think it can be a world of difference having two than just one. Hopefully someone will be along with better advice than my mumblings, but to give you something to think about while you wait for those sages...

She will grow out of the clingy-ness. And her development will be OK. You need to take time to look after yourself and make sure you have the reserves of patience she requires from you.

Can you get someone to look after her while you spend time with your son? Or spend more time with both of them in a group where she will feel less overwhelming?

Also, I am learning that despite the fact both your kids have half your DNA and half your DHs they can still be like chalk and cheese. And as they get older that becomes more of a gift than a burden.

my 2nd is also quite clingy and can tend to whine a lot at home (he teeths badly so if he is suffering with that he will whine, and this tends to be a continuing thing for him most the time!) but i find as you said much better in company and when out and about etc, i find it keeps him occupied a bit and prob takes his mind of the teeth and just provides a bit of distraction.
if i was you would see if there is any more play sessions or anything else you can add into the week, as the more you're out the house the easier it tends to be, although obviously you need to do housework and some things in the home also but they can make it hard when they just cling to the legs or follow you everywhere, so i just find stress levels are much less when we go out as it can become quite waring if they are behaving soo clingy.
also i like to think once they are walking they will naturally become less clingy, this stage wont last forever they will grow out of it, which can help to keep in mind when you feel like your patience is waring thin with it.
but im sure a lot of babies are like this and people do feel frustrated with it at times, it doesn't mean you dont love your child or development gonna be affected its fairly normal to feel tired of this behaviour i think? as let's face it its not one of their more endearing traits is it.
do you get much time of just you and dd? so that you can focus on the positives of your relationship with her and dedicate just to her and not have to share with your ds for a bit? i have a ds same age too and i have 2 hours in the week that i go to a babies group just with my younger one which i think for me and him is a really good chance otherwise you are constantly balancing the both of them and 2 yr olds are quite demanding of attention so i find for me that helps a lot

OP poor you, I feel your pain. I have been congratulating myself that having 2 children is turning out to be a breeze, but ds1's behaviour, and mine towards him, have gone badly downhill in the last week or so . And I've only been a mum of 2 for 10 weeks!

Do you use any kind of sling with your dd? I realise 10 months is quite late to get into slings but I used one a lot with ds1 who was very clingy at that sort of age. It meant he could have the comfort of being close and I could get on with jobs without feeling constantly harassed / conflicted because he was whining round my ankles! Lots of people use a ring sling with the child in a sitting position for older babies. I had an ergo baby carrier but I'm sure it wasn't that expensive 3 years ago!

This is totally unscientific but I have noticed with many friends' second babies that they are quite clingy - perhaps its a way of making sure they get attention and don't get pushed out by their elder brother/sister?!

Doesn't help you at all of course but I do think it is very common.

Although not in the same situation as you with the clingyness, I do know the feeling of not feeling the same towards your children. With me its the other way around.

DD2 is 2 next week and I absolutely adore her. She has her tantrum phase but am not bothered by it. DD1 however. I don't know. She is 4 1/2 and I really do love her but sometimes I look at her and feel like she istn mine. We didnt have much time to bond when she was born, PIL were constantly holding her, and after they finally left 8 weeks later, I had a house to renovate. I feel really sad about it as I know I will never feel this natural closeness with her.

However, its up and down really. I find the more efford I put in, the better I feel towards her. So yes, your DD might be clingy at the moment, maybe she is feeling your resentment towards it? Could you give it a week and really concentrate on her (not suggesting you are not doing it). Leave the household be, maybe your DH could do more with your son during this week and just try to have as much fun with DD as possible. Lots and lots of cuddling, reading books, massage whatever. She might respond well to it and you might feel better too. Good luck.

Thanks for all your comments. I'm new to mumsnet and was looking at some of the other topics and saw that some people have some very difficult situations and in comparison this is not so bad.

I do go to a baby class (baby sensory) for one hour a week just with my daughter and it really does help me to bond with her. It is the only time when there's just the two of us and I do appreciate it.

I do occasionally use a sling but that's more for travelling around. She's a bit heavy to carry her around the house in one.

I've decided to go with the clinginess and try to accept it rather than change it. She's not far from walking so hopefully the independence will help her, or at least save me from carrying her. And when I feel frustrated by it I'll try to remind myself that it's not forever.

My dc2 is two and is still acting like this. She screams hysterically and chases me in panic if I leave the room. It is driving me insane. It is awful that the more she seems to need me the more I have to get away from her. I am hoping it will change over the next year. My son (who was clingy although he was never so much) is very independent at 4.

I have 19 months between my youngest two children and I also found it very hard.the younger one wasn't clingy but wanted bf a lot, I was always feeding him or carrying him about .

So I think it common to find them hard work at this age. Also not everyone loves the baby/toddler bit of being a mum. Some mums do best with teenagers, or primary school age when they are so busy and active.

So please don't beat yourself up about getting pissed off with your clingy winging toddler. She can't read your mind and d as long as you act in a loving way to her it's fine to find her a real pest.

If your feelings are stronger than that and you really dislike her, it's probably a sign of post natal depression and you need to see your gp asap. It's not a sign of being a bad mum.