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Parenting

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Original poster

Should a parent ever back down?

22 replies

ImFab · 10/02/2011 19:40

DS2 was sent to bed for doing something he shouldn't to ds1. He refused to go and was told the consequences. He has shouted, thrown things at the door and screamed. He wants two of his toys back and asked nicely so we said he could have one. e says he can't sleep without both, he has been pretty naughty this week and I realise we need to be firmer and more consistent (he is 5) but he is now throwing things at the door. I can't go up and give both back and feel he has lost the chance to have even one back but what do we do? DH is up there with him now. I have had a shitty day so have come downstairs.

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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NoTeaForMe · 10/02/2011 19:44

Were the consequences to his actions that he had those toys taken away? If so then no, you can't back down, but if it was that he was sent to bed early then giving him his two favourite toys isn't technically backing down is it?

It's a tricky one! I think if you said "because you did xyz we are taking away your toys" then you have to stick to that.

Original poster

ImFab · 10/02/2011 19:45

Yes, he was give a choice then lost one, then another and lost the other. He was refusing to do his teeth. DH told him what the consequences would be.

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QuoteCode · 10/02/2011 19:48

stick to your guns. he will get tired eventually. horrid I know to hear them ranting or wailing or sobbing - but if you stick to it he will have learnt about consequences. and next time he plays up you can offer him consequences, AND say "and you know I will do this" or "and you know what happened last time, you lost your toy for the night"... etc

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MyCatIsABiggerBastardThanYours · 10/02/2011 19:50

We had a similar situation with our DD a couple of weeks ago (also 5). DH ended up going up to her and it all calmed down.... that night.. 2 nights later we had a similar situation which I firmly believe came about because she had, in her mind, got away with it a couple of nights before.

The end result was an hr of her yelling in her bedroom, me going up calmly telling her the reason she was there (again) and that I expected her to go to sleep. Eventually she did go to sleep and we haven't had a problem since.

It is really tough to know what to do in these situations but sometimes DC will push and push just to see how far they go. I am nowhere near perfect with DD who is a handful but I have found that sometimes the answer is not to back down, to show firmly but kindly where the boundaries are and stick to them (and yes, I do get that wrong regularly but sometimes I also get it right).

GOod luck.

Original poster

ImFab · 10/02/2011 19:50

DD is now in tears with the start of a headache as she can't sleep due to him making such a racket .

It is so hard as he would go straight to sleep with both his toys but dh said it as it has to be something to have an inpact.

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QuoteCode · 10/02/2011 19:52

sorry it is having an effect on your other dc, but really stick with it and it will start to have an impact. give in now and it will mean nothing next time you threaten consequences.

can you give your dd a spoon of calpol or whatever appropriate for her age and sit reading a book with her for a short while?

MyCatIsABiggerBastardThanYours · 10/02/2011 19:56

I'd give DD some calpol. It is only one night and I think sticking to your guns will pay off in the end. Can DD sleep on your bed or somewehere that it is quieter til it has all calmed down?

Original poster

ImFab · 10/02/2011 19:58

You first paragraph is why I think we should stick to it but it is so hard to know sometimes if we are being fair, especially when it involves their bedtime toys. I don't really agree with dh doing it but there isn't anything else that would have an effect with ds.

She doesn't want calpol but is laid in the chair with us under my blanket.

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NoTeaForMe · 10/02/2011 20:04

If that's what you said would happen then that's what has to happen otherwise he will learn very quickly that you don't mean what you say and he can get away with anything. Hard, for you and your daughter but you do have to stick with it now. Would you daughter be happier if you went and sat with her? How old is she?

MyCatIsABiggerBastardThanYours · 10/02/2011 20:11

What I would say though is that, if it is all getting too much to deal with tonight, then do what you need to to get it all calmed down, but be prepared to have to deal with it again soon.

And if it does happen again, you will be more prepared and know what you have to do to get through it.

Original poster

ImFab · 10/02/2011 20:46

He is quiet.

DD has gone back to bed.

Thank you for your support.

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Othersideofthechannel · 10/02/2011 22:20

I think parents should back down if they believe they have made a wrong decision.

So I suppose it depends how you judge your own decision.

If you decide you were wrong, it doesn't hurt to say something like "I realise now I made a mistake. You need your toy to sleep and you have school tomorrow so sleep is important. Tomorrow when we are both well rested, we'll talk about brushing your teeth".

I think they respect you all the more for it and it models the right kind of behaviour.

poshsinglemum · 11/02/2011 05:50

I would use a different punishment if I would you; one that won't affect his sleep. I'm no expert by the way as I am having trouble with dd. I suppose it's hard to know what to do if they are upstairs getting ready for bed. Mabe no treats the next day? I had a tv ban for a day recently. Didn't work 100% but she did calm down.

Original poster

ImFab · 11/02/2011 08:06

It is one thing that DH and I disagree on. DD and DS2 both have cuddlies they need to sleep and I would never take them off them but he feels they are not bothered about anything else so it has to be something that will have an affect. DS2 came in this morning and showed me he 2 alternative teddies he slept with.

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inthesticks · 11/02/2011 16:17

My boys were hard work at 5 years old. As everyone has said if you gave a warning then carried it through you must stick it out or next time he won't believe you.

Perhaps the lesson here is to think carefully about what youy threaten and be sure that you have judged the punishment to fit the crime.
We used to have a list of priviledges and treats that were withdrawn one by one for bad behaviour, and sometimes he would lose them all ....

I have learned to make them wait for me to have a think about things if they ask for something.I had to back down once or twice when I made a snap wrong decision.

seeker · 11/02/2011 16:26

If a parent is in the wrong they they should back down immediately. Otherwise not - so that's why it's important to think very very carefully about what sanctions you impose. I think taking away bed time cuddlies is a serious tactical error - and actually probably too severe a punishment for anything a 5 year old might do.

No TV is usually pretty effective.

Original poster

ImFab · 11/02/2011 18:25

I think it was wrong too but what do you do when he doesn't care about anything else? Not bothered about no tv. We were just out and he was really rude to me several times so I said he was going to his room when we got in, then he was going to bed. He said he wasn't. He is now in his room, in his pyjamas throwing all his toys around. DH is with him.

This has been the worst week of my life pretty much. And not just because of ds's behaviour.

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MrsGravy · 11/02/2011 19:50

:( ImFab. Sorry you're having a rough week. I hope your kids are all asleep and you're getting the chance to unwind a bit. We've had similar bedtimes with our 4 year old DS this week. We tell him he has to go to bed early because of some kind of bad behaviour and he goes ballistic, refusing his pjs, refusing to brush his teeth, screaming and throwing things around. DH ends up escalating the punishment taking this, that and the other off him. I am more of the opinion that going to bed early is the punishment, he can refuse his pjs, refuse to brush his teeth, scream til he's blue in the teeth but he's still going to bed early so I try and ignore all that and keep repeating that he's going to bed early.

strandedpolarbear · 11/02/2011 20:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyCatIsABiggerBastardThanYours · 11/02/2011 20:56

ImFab - well done on sticking it out. It can feel harsh at times but I really feel like sometimes the point has to be made.

Hope it helps out for a bit (just be prepared for DS to try it on again in a few weeks time). x

Original poster

ImFab · 11/02/2011 20:58

It didn't seem to last as long as last night.

OP posts:

Othersideofthechannel · 12/02/2011 07:14

If you are having a tough week for whatever reasons, your DC are probably picking up on it. I find it is when we are most relaxed young DC are easier to parent and when we are stressed they are harder.

My point is that if he is being what you call 'pretty naughty' in your op this week it might be his way of reacting to you or the whole family under stress. Maybe sending to bed early is not what he needs?

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