at home mums...how do you avoid resenting your partner?

[queenballerina]

I am a new mum. Have decided to stay at home for various reasons, but find it very difficult not to resent my husband.

he works extremely long hours and in this economy is not making good money. So we are struggling but I find it hardest that it seems like I do everything. He barely sees our baby, and does almost nothing with her except for a few cuddles sunday afternoon.

I have to do all the housework and everything for the baby and I am exhausted, yet he says he is exhausted because he works so hard!

how do you resolve this? how do I feel better about being at home?

Does he work on the weekend? If he is at home then he should be helping out, if he is working because he has to then you shouldn't be resentful of him.

I'm not resentful of dh because I think I'm lucky that he has supported me in staying home when I wanted to (lots of men would rather their partners worked) and then supported me in returning to my phd, and because he does help out when he is at home. He also works long hours and it is hard when everyone is tired and you start playing the competitive tiredness game. Only way to deal with it is to accept that there is a lot of work for everyone, that everyone is tired and to try to be nice to each other and help each other out. Easier said than done, unfortunately.

First of all, lower your housework standards. Just don't do more than the bare minimum. When my son was an infant if there were cleanish clothes and some clean dishes, I considered that good housework!

Then, as tryingtoleave said, stop doing the competitive 'I'm more tired than you' crap. It gets you no where and makes for more resentment. Acknowledge that you are both tired and move on. That will help lower the resentment on both sides.

Try to get out of the house every day, even if only for a walk around the block with the baby in a sling or a pram.

Do you have anyone who can lend a hand even for an hour or so to give you a break?

And remember, this too shall pass. The baby won't be that small forever. Some day you'll all get more sleep, honest you will!

I don't really understand why you resent him when you get to stay at home and he has to work long hours to support his family ?

I'm afraid I feel the same as compo. I'm in the exact same position as you OP and just feel so sorry for my DH that he works flat out, is constantly under pressure and stressed whilst I get to stay at home and enjoy our beautiful baby.

I did used to resent him for the long hours he worked, but mainly because he kept promising to spend more time at home and never did. Now I've realised he simply has to work as hard as he does to support us and to make a success of his career.

I do realise you don't want to resent him though, otherwise you wouldn't have posted. But you sound as though you don't believe him when he says he's exhausted. Of course he is if he's working such long hours! And I really don't think he should have to do housework on top of that.

You need to do something so that you enjoy this time. Do you get out much, have many baby friends? If not, correcting that might make you feel happier.

I think that is a really good post, chickinlickin and good advice. I, too, am in a similar position to you OP and it is very difficult and I have sympathy.

As others have said, try to make your daily life as easy and as enjoyable as possible. Getting systems going around the housework and cooking have helped me and cultivating good friendships with other mums has been a lifeline. May be at the weekends you could give each other a break for a few hours so you can get some time to yourselves?

We tend to look at it as DH's job is to bring the money into the family and home and my job is to take care of the family and home. We both feel comfortable that we know what we have to do and there is no grey area really. He helps if I need it, but I try my best to keep up my side of the bargain as it were. It is pretty traditional but it works well for us. It means he is able to focus on his career and I get to stay home with the children.

I hope things get easier for you and that you manage to find a solution. It is exhausting and I hope you get some rest.

I'm not sure how "new" the baby is but I promise you it gets better with time, as the wee one gets bigger and more settled. When my two were this age I was obsessed about sleeping when the baby sleeps, its the only way to go and if that means the household chores slip a bit don't worry
But the big thing is talk to your DH - he's probably as frustrated as you are, missing the baby and feeling the whole "new dad" pressure of having to support a family (esp if things aren't going so great). I'm not saying his problems are bigger than yours but if you don't keep talking to each other you'll get stuck in this "I'm tired, no I'm tired" rut.

of course you are both exhausted. Having a baby is hard, working long hours is hard. So when you are both at home you should pull together and help each other out.

I'm a SAHM to a toddler and a baby but I don't resent DH as I know he pulls his weight when he can. Once he gets in he knows he's on kids/house duty too, we don't sit down in the evenings til everything is done and we can sit down together.

Can you define your roles a bit more? Eg in our house, I cook in the week, DH cooks at weekends. I do the washing but he does his own ironing. If he's home on time, DH always baths the kids and puts DD1 to bed. I do day to day cleaning but one or other of us will usually do a bigger clean at the weekends.

Oh, and defnitely lower your standards - my house is never really clean, but I settle for cleanish!

You BOTH work hard. Difference is,.. you have the responsibility 24 hours a day - 7 days a week with no weekend 'off' !

Perhaps you should talk to your husband and suggest that you have some time for yourself over the weekend - even if it is just a few hours away from the house while he looks after the baby ?
Thing is,..are you prepared to do that ? Too often Mums complain that they are exhausted but then refuse to hand over responsibility to their husband because they are afraid to leave their baby and ar enot trusting him to cope !
Don't try to do everything - be less fussy about housework,.. rest when the baby is resting and drop any too high standards !

It is really difficult to learn that you cannot carry on as before when you have a new baby - you have to change your priorities and most of all - look after yourself.

avoiding resentment with him in the house all the time is harder...or so i find.

Exactly - if you are the. Only one who is not getting a break then it is not fair breakdown of roles.

Talk to him rather than make it a battle.

And stop thinking that he is doing you a favour letting you stay at home. If t hat is what you agreed hen you are both contributing to the function and well being of your family. He isn't your dad ffs.

And being with his child should not be a kindness. He should spend time with his child/children. If he sees them as a chore I would question why he wanted to have them/him/ her.

If you don't value what you are doing then he won't. If you treat him as though disconnecting from you and his child at the weekend and being idle is fine, then that is what he will do.

You are a sahm not a live in servant

Make your 'working hours' the same as his working hours.

So when he's not working - you're not working and anything that needs doing is a 50/50 split?

do you, basically, not want to be at home?

the idea that it is always harder on the one going out to work is complete rubbish IMO. there are lots of factors and if you have given up a career you liked and not entirely through choice, and if his has pleasant elements such as nice colleagues or interesting travel or posh lunches out, then you do actually have something to resent.

the idea that we should be grateful to partners for letting us stay at home and do all the shit work is ridiculous. Spending time with a baby is a combination of lovely and repetitive and dull; cooking is a combination of the creative and repetitive; housework is generally tedious.

Are you sure you want to be at home?

Why would you resent him for going out and earning the money for you and your family?
Can't imagine he is having a particularly good time while you are at home with the baby.

I might be wrong - probably am round here it would seem - maybe he does have an interesting job.

I'm in the same position as you op. Dh and I both graduated at the same time and took completely different career paths. I had our first ds and he got a graduate job in a career he loves.
Not someithing I really relished and with my pnd I seriously resented him.
I understood that he worked long hours to feed the family etc etc...but yes I did really resent him.

I resented the fact that he walked out of the door every morning no matter how bad a state the house was in.
I resented that he got to make money that was his that he had earned.
I resented the bus ride he got in the morning (a chance to read a book/gather thoughts for a half hour each day)
I resented that he got to talk to different people about lots of different things.
I resented that he got a lunch break...
I could go on!

Basically I had a melt-down and told him all of this.
Now he has helped me to carve out some sort of life-saving things for me to do each week, which are mine and mine alone - goals to work towards.
I'm learning to drive so I can take the kids out.
I'm doing an OU course so I have some tangible skills when I do finally get to start my career.
I go to a keep fit class with a friend every week.
He pays all the big bills from his account so I get the free(ha) money to spend on things like kid's clothes, food - I am making the 'big' decisions.

As soon as he comes in the door he gives me a half hour space just to breathe and collect before we get on with the teatime/bedtime onslaught. It's much much better.

Basically we try to treat me staying at home like my job.
Because it is. If you were at work, you would be paying someone else to do it for you. That would be their career.
And if that girly weekend in Edinburgh comes up then I never have to ask twice to go...

another variable is how much fun you get to have as an SAHM.
if you live near friends with children and can meet up for coffee, have lots of nice places you can go with the children, have money for days out etc, it can be a lot nicer than if you are stuck in a village with no friends and no transport.

I have never resented my husband. He works very hard for very long hours to support us. Yes I am at home with two children (and work two days a week) so work 12 hours a day but he works those hours too including the commute.

When I has one baby and she woke up in the night I got up to deal with her as I didn't have to get up in the morning and work. I could sleep later in the day if needed while she napped. He couldn't do that. He would however get up in night at weekends but to be honest as I was breastfeeding there wasn't much he could do!

We have just never done the competitive tiredness thing. I respect and admire how hard he works to support us all and he respects and admires how hard it is to look after the children and house. We often say it to each other - that is important.

If he is at home all weekend why is he not involved in family life more? I would say have a lie in each at the weekend then spend some time together for the rest of it. You don't have to be out and about all the time (I find DH likes a day pottering at home).

Are you getting out enough during the day and enjoying your time at home with the baby or are you feeling low?

Lady

My dh works very long hours and does not especially enjoy what he does.

He did however have 6 months garden leave and got to witness my days. Since then he has been fantastic re sharing the effort.

I also used to work long hours so I know what his day is like.

They are different. Both tiring indifferent ways.
Recognising that neither party has it easy is half the battle. I can mn for an hour if I want but I am still doing homework and getting running baths at 8.00 at night.

He has huge pressures and work long hours but he gets very posh lunches and an hour on the train to read a book etc each way. He also gets recognition for all he does, respect and a sense of authority and self worth. I get to talk to children all day and get asked what I do all day

It's different. But neither is cushy and working does not give anyone permission to disengage from the people they love at the weekend

Nikki
Yy to the competitive tired thing. The root of much misery...

I also think (and this may cause some outrage) that apart from a bit of sleep deprivation, it is pretty easy with a new baby plus housework. Well I always was for me anyway. They nap, you do some housework, they wake up you go and see friends for coffee.

It must be pretty stressful for your DH to have all the financial responsibilty when times are hard. I would cut him a bit of slack too.

Dh and I have always tried to remember that we love each other and want the other person to be happy.

I know that sounds crass but it is true.

And if you are fucking about and trying to get away with getting more rest, more time out, more loafing - then your partner suffers. They do. It is as simple as that.

No one is perfect - I struggled with depression and things can get shit at times. But we are always able to look each other in the eye knowing that we are each doing our best.

It is then quite hard to resent each other

nobody in the world is ever going to win the argument with their partner about who is most tired.

the way we do it: During the week I do all the stuff with home and kids, though DH chips in when he gets home (bathing kids, reading them story).

At weekends we both do stuff and also both have breaks. So often I do not cook, but we get a takeaway, eat out, or have a ready meal. or DH or I do a big fry up for breakfast and we don't do lunch.

Also, I leave the laundry, floors etc.I do mu foodshops during the week.

Always try to not be a martyr.

I don't think it needs to cause outrage, Nikki, it's just it's true for some people and not for others, depends on the baby and other circs. It can be very pleasant indeed if you have an easy baby.
When my oldest dc was tiny she hardly slept during the day so I used to struggle to get anything done - she was one of those velcro babies who screamed if I so much as put her down for a moment to make a sandwich - but it didn't matter because dh did a lot; someone with that kind of baby and a dh who works long hours would have a really hard and stressful time.
OTOH my dcs 2 and 3 were easy peasy and yes it can be a quite idyllic life.

nikki, please do not make that kind of assumption...

glad it was easy for YOU. Doesn't mean it is always easy. Try having a baby with serious reflux and pain who cries 3-4 hrs a day.

or imagine a mother with PND.

not always easy at all.