What can I do? Please help me.

[helpfulparenting]

I am looking for advice about how to help my friend without overstepping the mark or appearing judgy.

She has 2 dc's. (5+7). They are rude and very mean to her and do not seem to respect her. She is a much more patient parent than me, and we parent differenly. Never a problem and we are best friends.

However after spending a weekend away with her and our dc's I think I may know how it has become like this. She tends to react when her dc's deliberatly push for attention which leads to these arguments and gives them an oppotunity to be rude to her. She often makes 'threats' which aren't carried out as her dc's behaviour and rudeness and tantrums deflect from the original problem.

I am not by anymeans a perfect parent and would never claim to be, but I would like to talk to her about this (she accepts they are rude to her, especially younger one). I feel that having witnessed how these blow outs occur regulary maybe we could discuss ways in which they could be prevented and when at mine maybe where I could intervene so its my rules I'm asking them to respect not them accusing her of being horrible to them. (btw she is only getting them to do simple/ NU things I've requested)

I am very wary though of coming across like supernanny, judgy, critical or upsetting my friend. I do not want this. But she is at her wits end and her DC's know this. (1 was proud that she made her mum cry by her behaviour).

I do not want to do this thread by stealth but will give any details of incidents required to help with advice but will not put any incidents that could indentify her or me on here. (that would be disrepectful to her)

So advice please on how I can approach this and make my best friend smaily and happy go lucky again.

TIA.

Why not say, "I've found this great book which really helps me deal with my DC/s when they're being a PITA - fancy a gander?"

And suggest she reads this

Yes thanks immaculada. I have heard of that book and heard great things about it.

I felt both pleased and sad the other day when discussing random things and I said how my DS has taken to muttering under his breath when I've asked him to do something he doesn't like. He's 6 btw and apparently its usual at this age? I told her I have said to him if its not something he can say out loud then to keep it it his head. But its ok to feel annoyed with mummy iyswim. I asked her if she felt this was an ok way to deal with it. She replyed that she could never imagine my DS doing it as he's so polite and repects me and it least he mutters it and doesn't yell at me I'm stupid and he wishes I'd die.

See its really at this point I want to ask her honestly how it makes her feel and talk to her about ways to deal with it.

Perhaps I could introduce the book here. Something like 'well parenting is guesswork and trial and error. But I've found using this book ^^ useful and it has helped me keep calm during DS tricky moments'. (might have to say I got if from the libruary in case she asks to borrow the book I don't have!)

Playful Parenting by Lawrence Cohen is another good one. It's aimed at children of all ages, not just the tiny ones.

He would say that it sounds like your friend needs to "emotionally reconnect" with her DCs and suggests lots of fun ways involving play that can do just that. Hopefully break through the surliness etc.

Jane Nelsen has also written a number of books which seem to be well rated about positive ways of using discipline with children. I haven't read any though, so can't recommend from personal experience.

Poor her, sounds like she's having a tough time. It's good you're trying to tactfully help her. I hope things work out.