Rage at DS2

[Toot]

DS ,age 9, driving me mad. Dripping tap of answering back, cheeky comments, rude/unhelpful behaviour. I have got to the point where I have such low tolerance I really shout back at him (almost daily). Most arguments are about homework so last night I told him he has to do it himself from now on or get his dad to check it when he comes home from work. I said the daily arguments we were getting into were not good for either of us.

DS has just been diagnosed mildly dyslexic at school so probably needs more help now than he can get from his dad but I know the shouting and our relationship will continue to get worse if I try to be his teacher and his mother.

Should just say DS is very bright.He has a few problems with scruffy writing/spelling which is why the school wanted to test him so we don't think dyslexia is cause of his stroppyness.

Anyone think this is the wrong thing for me to do? Am I a crap mother? (feel like it)

"Crisis" situations have three possible outcomes - Higher, No Change and Lower. DS2 is NT (dyspraxia won't cause problems with understanding communication) so shouting at him will produce a Lower outcome - he hasn't learned anything and will get more upset.

Ignoring the problem with most likely produce a No Change outcome - he will repeat the behaviour the next day, not knowing another way to deal with the problem.

You need to find a way to get a Higher outcome, where he gets what he needs and learns the best way to get it. This is where rewards, sticker charts, positive attention etc come in.

Dyslexia will make anything to do with reading and writing an immense struggle, but that doesn't excuse his attitude. I would suggest a sticker chart which rewards him for following routines - including homework - then he can get random bonus stickers out of the blue for correct behaviour: doing as he's asked without being reminded; tidying his room or other household chores; playing nicely with his siblings for 10 minutes etc.

Have a set time for the homework, or even better several 15 minute slots where you can spend the time to help him. If you get in from school at 3:30, then 4pm for 15 minutes, then one tv programme, then dinner, then 5:15-5:30 homework... whatever works for you.

You're NOT a crap mum, you give a toss about your child's welfare. You just need to find strategies that help you as a family instead of driving you round the bend

Oh, and the dyslexia won't cause stroppiness, but the frustration of not be able to do as well as he wants will

123 Magic.

here

It's Magic, apparently (my two are only 17 mos so I haven't had cause to use it yet).

Thanks for that to both of you.

TheSecondComing has your approach helped - I mean, has it meant that she tries harder with her homework or does it just mean that she still doesn't do it, gets aggro from school but it doesn't cause aggro at home? I'm hoping the first as our DD is very much the same.

Toot Was there something else which made the teachers suspect dyslexia in your DS? DD (11) also struggles with scruffy handwriting and only this year seems to be improving with spelling, although she is very bright too. No-one has ever suggested dyslexia to me, though. But she found it far more difficult to sound out words than her brother seems to when she was learning to read.

Herbwoman.
Nothing really else except that his Maths,vocab, reading and speach are just so good (better than his age ) but his spelling is pants and his writing a bit scrawled and badly spaced out. He doesn't read for pleasure but as I say he can read and his reading age was 13 last time they tested.

Secondcoming.
Yours is the approach my husband has been advocating for some time now. I can only say that this evening I have had a nice time trying this. I feel like I've been his Mum and not his teacher as he went and did his homework when his big brother went to do his. My DH checked it when he got home from work, pointed out all the errors (mainly spelling but one 'no space' between words)and DS went to correct. They then did his violin practice and all is tranquility.

I'm glad you had a more relaxed evening. It is horrible when home becomes a battle over homework (or anything else, for that matter).
I called in to see our headteacher today (she has taught DD and has many more years experience than dd's class teacher) and quizzed her about whether she thought DD could be dyslexic. She agrees that DD might have some mild dyslexic traits but doesn't think she is being held back in her work at the moment. She wants the class teacher to mention it in the info he sends on to secondary school (for Sept this year) about DD, but doesn't think it is 'bad' enough to get a diagnosis of dyslexia. DD seems to be very similar to your DS - very good with maths, reading etc, but her spelling is appalling.
I'm glad I spotted your post as this had never occurred to me, and it has certainly never been mentioned at school either. Don't really know whether to take it further at the moment or see how things go at secondary school.

Your dd will meet language specialists in high school so if the info follows her, the right prople will keep an eye on her. I think its the sort of thing you should ask abouit at parents meetings though.

Day 2 and my DS is again in his room doing his homework. It is so nice that this is occuring without the shouting.

Thanks Toot.

Well done to your son for getting on with it. Has your approach helped with the general stroppiness?

Well 2 days in I'd say yes but not sure this isn't just a shock reaction to not getting his own way. I imagine only time will tell.

Fingers crossed!