Disappointed & tired

[BlueandPink]

I feel so tired and not a good mother at all. Before I had children I had all these ideas needed for good parenting skills: reading to them, no unhealthy foods, no TV for under 2s.. Also, I assumed as I was in my late 20s and sick of tired of clubbing etc, I would definitely be ready for a baby. But in reality, I spend most of my days cleaning, changing nappies, doing cooking while the DS is doing something naughty/dangerous/constantly demanding something and the baby is crying. I hardly ever have time to play with the kids. (Though I try to take them out daily and read to them a bit.) I feel stupid that just because I had my typical middle-class ideals of parenting that would make me a good one. Most days I walk about the flat like zombie, cry a lot (which upsets the DS) and feel like the lack of sleep has destroyed 50% of my brain cells. It is no good suggest to do less cleaning, (as I pretty much do the minimum) or somebody else to help. I remember how tired one can be after long day at the office and my husband doesn't really like housework(he never demands that I do any either so give him a break.) Only FIL and his new wife can do a little bit of baby sitting, no help from anywhere else.

I started a similar thread to this not long ago and received some wonderful practical support and the answer I've found is to try and get out of the house every day and get your stuff ready the night before.
You will no doubt get lots of replies saying see your gp you may be depressed. However I am definitely not depressed but feel like you when I at home ( not when I am at work though!)
It's just bloody hard work being a mother but apparently it gets better!

Oh and get a cleaner if you can afford it, I am and feel better already.

how old are your dc? Not much advice, but just to say you sound like me a year or so ago, and it is SO much easier now. I also used to cry in front of dc, which i felt terrible about, but was so tired/down i couldnt hold it in. My two boys are now 2.5 and 4.8, play together pretty well and are nicer to be around. Ds2 is going thru terrible twos eg hitting, throwing, spitting, tantrums etc but im far less stressed second time round. Although i do think overall i was a good parent, i think time passing is what made it easier. At my worst points they watched far too much tv and we had lots of shouting (me and ds1!). I say lower your expectations and it WILL get easier!

Blueandpink - totally in the same place as you. Mil was meant to be coming to see the dc today but couldn't because of the weather, and I was really gutted.

Love being with the boys, and I run a wee (very wee) business cause don't have time to expand just now so was going to do some work today, but when mil couldn't come, in my head I should be able to think of lots of fun things to do, but I just can't.

Went for a walk but they got cold, played with the railway and that was fine, but overall, they had far too much tv today.

I still prefer working from home, and some days are better than others, but I find that the days we have a planned activity (like a toddler group) are much easier than others, and also having a bit of a timetable, like for example, 9-9.30 play with trains, 9.30 - 10 read stories, 10 am snack and drag it out as long as I can.

Don't usually spend e whole half hour doing the planned activity but it at least gives a bit of structure to the day instead of looking at 8 or more hours till dh gets homes and having to fill in the full 8 hours.

Also, if you can, have at least one day/evening where you do something with friends or just you outside the house. Even if it's just going to the library to read a good book for an hour in peace, or go for a coffee with a magazine, a swim, anything really that makes you feel like you are not 'just' a mum.

Just to say you sound like a great mum to me. It's not easy when they're little and it does get better.

Especially when they start pre-school - can you afford to start earlier than age 3? Mine got a huge amount out of it and it used to wear her out for the odd morning.

Rotating toys is a good tip someone gave me. That way there's less to tidy up.

The odd less healthy meal and some TV doesn't do any harm IMO. Mine watched loads of TV, as I attempted to work from home. Now, great with other kids and doing really well academically.

And find a friend to go out with for the odd night - I find the cinema is good, especially if you're too tired for anything else.

Your life won't be like this for ever and as your dc grow up and get easier you will be able to enjoy them more.

Thanks a lot! I wouldn't say I am depressed, as every night when the kids are in bed I feel fine... I do go out once a week but when I get home, the kids are still up, the flat is absolutely tip and my husband is totally knackered. I do a bit running though, just 20 minutes makes a huge difference. I am currently on maternity leave so that's why can't afford nursery, but will go back to part-time work in a few months time. The worst part is that I also know that there are so many people in much worse situations and they never complain.

The first year of tot + baby is the hardest part, as far as I'm concerned (and mine are 10 & 13 now). It does get much easier, particularly when no. 2 is old enough to play with no. 1 and everyone is getting enough sleep. Nice weather also helps, when you can all get a bit of fresh air and don't feel so shut in.

Keep meals simple, and don't worry too much about tv and lack of improving activities for a while. My firstborn watched far too much tv for a while when the baby was feeding and wailing, but it wasn't difficult to wean her off it when I was ready and she's turned out to be a voracious reader, perfectly sociable and very physically active.

Do your best, but be kind to yourself.

my baby is 10 weeks old and I think he hates me - I worry he can tell I am not 100% loving motherhood - I just seem jaded and restless - BUT - I am sure the weather has something to do with it as feel much better today and also a friend who has two small girls advised me to look at everything as phases - each one ending eventually - I do wonder when I might get to enjoy my son and hope that my efforts small as they are (I'm building him a library and read abit to him everyday regardless of if he's interested! and today the children's map of the world I bought yesterday arrived and I've pinned it to the bathroom wall) - and despite some being too old for him now will eventually pay off.

its bloomin hard motherhood like I had never realised but when I get some response from him - my heart melts and I think ok I'll try again!

Maybe your expectations are too high. We all have dreams of being a perfect parent BEFORE we actually have children. Sometimes real life gets in the way, dishes have to be done, dirty laundry has to be washed, children have to be fed. My DD of 2yrs watches alot of TV especially since I got pregnant, am now 25weeks. But I try to cook quickly, not too hard as I used to work in a restaurant and I do alot of casseroles or stews. I clean little and often throughout the day so that nothing piles up, my house is far from spotless but I try to keep a status quo. I do read quite a bit to my DD, but not big long sessions, just one of her favourites sporadically throughout the day, 5mins here/5 mins there sort of thing. Sometimes I ask her to help me with the cleaning (wiping down surfaces, polishing etc) or with some baking (when I don't mind cleaning up the mess) and she loves that.

Her speech is very advanced, probably because I talk to her like an adult, she can count and is beginning to recognise the alphabet. Just saying this because this is despite the fact she has put up with not having lots of stimulation provided for her all the time and does sometimes watch a bit too much TV. Kids suprise you sometimes.

I think the most important thing you can do at the moment is get out! Something in the morning, something else in the late afternoon. That way, home becomes less of a prison/ place to clean, and more of a place you want to be without housework all the time.

Children don't mind the same thing over and over again, so if the library works for them, go daily. Ditto the park, ducks, trip to Tesco, go and watch the bus or train go by. Might leave you brain-dead, but at least you'll wear them out and get some fresh air.

Yup, baby and toddler is so hard and and so much harder to be a good parent than with one. I found the first year very very hard, the second was better because ds went to preschool, this third year is looking even better because they are starting to play together and I think once dc2 is three it will be much better. Do try to find some care or something for ds to do on his own, even if it is just for a few hours. I found the only time I ever felt relaxed was when I only had the baby

How old are your DC? The lack of sleep seems to a big thing. Can you find ways around that? DC3 is 17 weeks and we co-sleep because I also have a 4 year old and a 2 year old and know I need to get my sleep to function. I realised this when I had DD and ended up screaming at DS in a way totally alien to me. I started co-sleeping and things got better because I was getting more sleep.

DS is 3 and DD is 8 months old. DS has always been a really bad sleeper and if he takes a nap he wouldn't go to bed until 9. DD is actually a good sleeper, but she has a cold for quite a long time now which affects her sleeping. DS wakes up every night and comes to sleep between us,I don't necessarily even wake up. So actually my sleeping is much better than when DS was a baby or when I was pregnant, it was pure nightmare then.

Foodwise, I normally make him lunches, which are semi-healthy, i.e. (premium) chicken nuggets, boiled potatoes and broccoli, or ham sandwich with brown bread. We rent our place so can't install a dishwasher.

I generally love going out, but getting them both wrapped up takes ages and on the road DS keeps on bouncing up and down like a wild goat. I have harness sometimes, but he can easily take it off. He loves walking(and running) so I prefer not to have him in the buggy. (Besides, good double/tandem buggies which take a toddler are really expensive anyway.)

Does ds not qualify for Early Years Funding yet (up to 15 hours of preschool/nursery a week )? Might get you some space to either nap or focus on the baby, and give some structure to the week.

He will qualify in April, but I will return to part-time work anyway then. (The funding starts from the following semester after the child has turned 3.) And of course, the nursery fees are so expensive (even with the funding and tax credits included) we are financially better off now when I am on maternity leave than when I return to work...

Blueandpink

i only have one 10 month old son and i can totally relate to how you are feeling.i shouted at him more than once today becuase he wouldn't have his morning sleep and i just totally panicked that he would be tired and wingey ALL DAY. like you (and despite being an academic who researches this sort of thing) i had very strong ideas about what motherhood would be and feel like. The reality has been so far from my ideas and i would say that i had fairly low expectations looking back! it is hard in ways i don't think anyone can comprehend beforehand despite the fact that people tell you "what hard work it is!" it is hugely taxing with intermitant reward and all the time worry that you are raising a potential sociopath or at least an obese child, that won't want to do well in life etc etc. in many respects i think that middle class parenting is one of the cruelst tricks because despite the sometimes very real material advantages the social pressures to 'do it properly' with every interaction design to stimulate and educate iscrazy intensive and a lot of it motivated by fear. I don't have an answer but all i can say is i hear you sister and i am right there with you! it is worth reminding oneself that the current concept of motherhood and parentng as enjoyable and rewarding is relatively recent and is one of the prices we seemed to have paid for liberation from unplanned or unwanted motherhood. Not that i want to go back to those dark days but just to say all of this is happening within a context which is having some unforseen consequences on our experiences of mothering today. i try to get out a lot and that helps especially when i am so so tired. baby complaining about being in the Bumbo as i type this...guilt calls!

p.s. all of this is made worse by how desperate many of us were to get pregnant in the first place it took me 3 miscarriages and 3 years to have my son. loads of others don't get to have their babies but this should not mean that we should not legitimately voice our own frustrations however unfair it may seem x

Oh hen... I could have written your thread a few wks ago. Ups and downs.... Having kiddies, especially when they r young is BLOODY hard work. Sometimes on the hard whinging, grumping, tantrumming, extreme tiredness days I just look around and there is NO light at the end of the tunnel-just more f** king washing, cleaning, cooking and tantrum-controlling!! But most days I make sure we get out-have friends we always visit, toddler groups on set days etc and having that structure ( and being super-organised the night before so that meals r roughly prepared, bag packed etc to minimise faff) helps immensely and most of the time I enjoy it.... But I think even the most calm, pateint parent would agree that despite the wee folk bringing unsurpassed joy into our lives, they also bring a feck-load of domestic chaos and monotony which we accept cos it's part of having them, but sometimes I think it's ok to feel a bit peeved by it! And I have also let my tiredness get to me so much that I have cried, or just shouted at the kuds when I know it is not the right thing to do-and that's when my husband comes home to me wallowing in self pity feeling like the shittest mum on earth..... But I'm not and I know that-and I'm sure u know that too. U just can't be perfect all the time-children wear you down and sometimes you just don't have any reserve left. I find a cuddle and a VERY large glass of wine helps on those days! Basically I think having all these feelings is normal-and I too beat myself up as I think I have no right to be moaning/ upset when there are other folk waaaaaayyyyy worse off. And I guess I feel guilty that I DONT enjoy every minute of motherhood-u kinda feel almost guilty that u have any negative thoughts bout your kiddies as u should be enjoying it ALL-but that's just not reality! Anyway enough rambling from me. Essentially I TOTALLY understand ur feelings and send u a big 'thank god it's 8pm and I can sit on my arse with a glass of wine' hug x

I remember this vividly. It makes me feel a bit distressed remembering how I felt. My children are much older now (early teens) and I am back at work in a job I really like and find life very nice :)

I wasn't depressed when my children were small, I don't think, but was absolutely ground down by the relentlessness of being with small children 24/7 and very very tired (had a bad sleeper as a firstborn). I think tiredness makes everything worse - you can't think straight and lose a sense of perspective. However, I'm not going to tell you to 'sort out your child's sleep issues' because I think that just becomes another stick to beat yourself with ... I've been there too. Keep telling yourself it will get better with time. I had 'this too shall pass' written on my kitchen noticeboard for years.

Winter makes everything worse too - dark and cold, going out is more difficult, everything seems a terrible effort.

Once my children were about 5 and 7 I felt a huge change. They were very competent at dealing with things for themselves (getting dressed, washing, teeth, getting a drink etc) because I couldn't bear them not to be, and that meant that suddenly I had all this time that I didn't have before - instead of wrestling a small child in the bathroom I could say 'brush your teeth' and apart from a quick squint at them afterwards it was done. They could both read to themselves and really pay attention to stuff and I felt as though those 'intermittent rewards' that someone else mentioned were arriving much more frequently. I stopped worrying about being a good mummy and just got on with life, if you see what I mean, because we could just 'be' and not constantly be thinking of what I ought to be doing with a small child.

I suppose what I'm trying to say to those of you with little ones who are finding it hard is that does all pass and if you are a person who finds the baby/toddler stage difficult then those primary/junior age years will feel so brilliant when you get to them. It's not about wishing the days away, but about recognising things about yourself, I think, that will make you cope. I used to get in a terrible state and feel that I was doing very badly as a parent, but when I look back now, I was 'good enough' and I wish I had had friends with older children at the time to tell me that I was doing OK, and that 'good enough' is fine. I wish I could go back and tell myself to chill out.

Sorry for the essay - got a bit carried away there.

I know you say nursery is too expensive, but have you looked at preschools? They are much cheaper. For example, DD1 goes to preschool 3 mornings a week 9.15-12, and it costs £14 a session. They take childcare vouchers too. It is a lifesaver for me! Compare that to private nurseries around here, which are £35 for half a day.

It might be worth looking into, just to save your sanity until you go back to work!

BlueandPink - I could have written your post today. I have DD1 2.5 years and DD2 15 weeks and have been in FLOODS of tears on the phone to my DH that I'm doing a crap job, DD1 watches too much tv (which incidently is making my brain implode with the sheer banality of it), DD2 refuses to nap then gets hysterical with tiredness, the house is a mess and I am just always cleaning up sick, toys, endless laundry and am so so tired I daren't even drive anywhere in case I crash. I just have this huge constant GUILT about not doing enough and what I am doing I'm doing badly. I'm sorry I have no advice but I wanted you to know that you are not alone.

notrightnow - that's really helpful, thank you.

blueandpink you are absolutely not alone. Most people I know with two small ones feel the same as you. I definitely do. It's really really hard. I get jealous that my DH goes to work because I see that as a break - at least he is semi- in control of his own day!

I have 3 under 4. When DS2 came along and I had a baby and a toddler really I found it so hard. That year is just a blur. Its not easy and I know we wouldnt ever give them back but sometimes its nice to just be yourself and not chief cook and bottle washer. I have a bit of a routine with house work that means I get enough done to help me feel sane but dont have to tackle everything. I generally have that done first thing in the morning even if it means I have my breakfast at 11. We head out in the mornings after that. Different things - walks, toddler groups, meet friends with dc's, playground. We are home by nap time for baby. Afternoons are just about taking it easy while I tackle dinner etc but generally I make sure while baby naps and boys have lunch/watch some telly, that I have a cuppa and a chill out for half an hour or so - gets me thru the afternoon. Then roll on bedtime!! I dont play with them as much as I thought I would but I do set them up with jigsaws/ playdough or coloring at the counter while I cook and banter away with them. Some days Im a really good mum, some days Im a very tired mum and some days Im very average! But I cut myself some slack and on the days I feel its all getting to me and Im a crap mum - they are the days I let all the routines go to pot and play with them or picnic on the sitting room floor because funnily enough they can make me feel better when I let them!

I've only got one and I hear you... there are days when I think I'm going to loose my tiny mind.

I'm another big fan of outings. I have a week planned in advance where there's something happening every single day - keeps us both sane to have something to aim for, even if we don't manage it 100% of the time. Or even 50% of the time (I can't be arsed going out in the rain). The other thing that really helps: doing nothing. No internet, no cleaning, no cooking, just sitting on the sofa, playing. Screw housework, some days that's just the way we roll. Works for us.

I second McGill as well, you know, this idea that we've got to be brilliant mothers, attached, playful, routined to the last minute, whatever. It's all total rot. Do the best you can, accept you're not perfect, your baby's not perfect and try to enjoy your time together as much as you can. That's it really, forget the rest of it.

Chin up.

I hear you 2!! I I never thought I'd say this but thank god for work!!

As much as I love my lo sometimes I feel like going and shutting myself in the shed!

Work is really the only time I get to myself and its lovely to have a break from being a mum. I find (I work shifts) that I then try and plan my days off when I'm on my own with my son so that we don't get bored... I find it a little soul destroying staying in the house all day!

So my point is maybe things will get better when you go back to work?

I work part time and find that my the time a day off comes I can't wait to have a few days doing mummy things, its the perfect balance (although can be a bit hectic!)

xx