Not sure if this is bullying but how do I help DS (Year 2)

[chillybits]

DS is in Year 2. Since preschool he has had a friend who is always on his case.

Due to a very tenuous family connection they were pushed together at an early age. We live in a small village and they were the only 2 babies of a similar age. DS was a very shy toddler and completely dominated by this boy which we've been dealing with ever since.

Once at school DS grew in confidence and whilst still reserved and quiet he has made lots of friends - friendship seems to come very easily to him. The other boy does not make friends easily and ever since moving from preschool to reception has become increasingly angry about DS's growing independence from him.

The other boy goes through phases when he puts DS down, grabs him when he tries to play with other friends, calls him names, shoves him in the dinner queue, breaks models he makes, tells the other children not to play with DS, yet always calls DS his best friend, wants to see him at the weekends and go whereever he goes (joined the same clubs etc). It looks like a very intense jealousy.

I know this is all fairly normal but by all accounts the other boy is only singling out my DS (other mum's have alerted to me to what's happening too as their children are talking about it), it is now becoming very constant and has turned more physical (pushing over, and the odd kick). Most importantly DS is now becoming more withdrawn and started to not want to go to school.

Is this bullying ? I don't know. I have had sympathy for the other boy as he is a bit of a square peg in the class whereas DS has discovered a social ease. However I am beginning to feel I have failed my DS by not addressing this earlier ?

How do I address it ? Do schools take this kind of constant 'picking on' seriously ? DS is my only child and I don't really have any similar experience to draw on.

The family connection makes it very very difficult to deal with the other boy's mother as there is a great sensitivity due to divorce/affairs in older generations! Its a total fluke we've ended up living in the same village but makes resolving this personally almost impossible - I can't expand.

It sounds like bullying to me. But definately one for the school to deal with, given the difficult family connections/small village context. Have you been to speak to your DS's teacher about this. Also does your DS have to spend time at weekends with the other child? It sounds a bit hard on your DS if he has to deal with this child's behaviour at weekends as well as all week at school.

Thanks for replying Kamer.

I haven't spoken to the school but will do so this week as the other family are away and won't question what I'm talking to the teacher about. I'm not sure how to put it though ?

No we don't make him see him at weekends unless its a school/club related event - although the boy often asks if he can come over after swimming fortunately his family are often busy at weekends which helps.

Any ideas how I should put this to the teacher ?

I would make an appointment to see your DS's teacher and explain the situation just as you have above, but stressing that your DS is not wanting to go to school and also noting any actual recent physical incidents such as pushing over and kicks. Good luck with getting this sorted.

Hello, I agree, this sounds like bullying to me. You must be worried.

You're in a difficult position because of the tenuous family connection but in your mind just put that to one side for a moment and deal with the way your DS is being treated by this child, it's unacceptable.

The school has a duty to protect your son while he is in their care so I'm sure they will take your concerns seriously.

As for the weekends and clubs could you have a conversation with your DS about how friends treat one another and what constitutes a 'best friend'. Ultimately if your son says he doesn't want to play with the other child no-one can force him to. Next time there's an invitation you could breezily say 'Those two aren't getting along at the moment so I'm afraid DS doesn't want to meet up'. I really hope you get things sorted. Best of luck.

Thank you for replying. Sorry I didn't respond.

I have made an appointment to see the teacher tomorrow. DS has opened up alot this week as he's had a calmer week with the other boy being away. I'm convinced its bullying now but the school may not see it in the same way as he generally has lots of friends and is always described in his reports as being popular with his peers and 'quietly gregarious' whatever that means!

But he's only 6 and doesn't understand things such as being popular, complicated kinds of jealousy etc. All he knows is that he doesn't want to go to school because he is pushed, kicked called names and endlessly tormented.

I hope the teacher's understand.

chilly this is most definitely bullying! No question about it. This happened to my son who is also 6 in Year 2. Would ask to go to the bathroom whenever my son wanted to (they have to go in pairs) but never actually need to wee, would just push or kick my son so he ended up weeing on himself / shoes / trousers etc. Many other incidents...

I also went to speak to the teacher and she made sure they were in separate groups, not next to eachother in dinner queue etc. The school has a responsibility to protect your child. I still keep a very close eye on things. Luckily I can talk to the mum and dad about it and they know their son can be a problem sometimes.

Your responsibility is to your son, not to spare the other boy and his mother's feelings. The hell with them when your son is being adversely affected by that boy's behaviour. Sorry to come on so strong, but my DS is also a quietish boy and it makes me so mad!!

Good Luck and keep us posted.

How come the school hasn't noticed anything? Even the playground would be supervised.

Hello,

It's good you've made an appointment. It really does sound like bullying and your DS shouldn't be treated like that at school (or anywhere) so hopefully the teacher will take it seriously and let you know how the school is going to tackle the situation to your satisfaction.

There's some really good advice in the 'bullying' section on MN (it's within the Education section), such as asking to see the school's Anti-bullying policy, etc. If you have time have a read of some of those threads you'd probably find them helpful.

Wishing you the best of luck, let us know how you get on.