11 year old with no respect

[Shinyshell]

My DS is 11. Most of the time he is great and so loving. Lately however he has started to hurt his younger brother (8). He talks to me at times like I am something he has stood in and when he has done something wrong it is "never my fault". He has no respect for teachers..today telling me his year 6 teacher is a prat and then having no understanding when I try to explain this is rude. He constantly asks for new stuff and never seems happy with the things he has (he bought a bmx AND ipod touch with his birthday money in December). Its like he has no respect for me , his brother, his teachers or even his own possessions ( if something breaks he assumes it will just be replaced). I dont know what to do with him. I am banging my head against a brick wall..this has been going on for weeks and weeks now. Any ideas anyone????!!!

Shiny, I have one of those, except mine is 9.
Apart from that, and the fact that he calls his teacher a twat and not a prat, they could be identical.
Sorry, I know I am not offering any real advice here.
If he had been behaving like this for a few years I would ask if he had something like Aspergers, as mine does. But if it's only started lately, could it be down to something at school?
I am guessing that he will soon be moving to 'big' school, as my DCs call it. Could that be worrying him?
Could he be victim of bullying and is replaying this at home on his sibling?
Have the school talked to you about this at all?
If not, it might be a good idea to have a meeting with the Head and see what they make of his change in behaviour.

Thanks for that...if I think about is he has been hurting his brother for a long time now (years not weeks) They will play then DS just takes it too far and gets quite aggresive. Its funny you mention Aspergers... I worked with ASD kids for years and it has def crossed my mind!
Stressing me out...red wine is helping this evening!

Yes wine, but mine is white!

So if this has crossed your mind before, maybe you should look into it further.
I buried my head for a long time because I refused to accept that DS's behaviour was different.
But, the relief is overwhelming when you finally accept the problem.
It also makes you feel better, in a strange sort of way, when they are badly behaved at school. Because at least you know they are not acting badly just to be obnoxious or plain nasty IYSWIM.
Have the school not mentioned this behaviour to you at all?

well I went to parents eve in december (have to take DS too). Teacher said ds would do better in class if stopped mucking around and talking and giggling. Was so upset. Never had this at parents eve before...always been told he is very well behaved and middle of the road (ok with me!) Wonder if there might be conflict with this teacher as no probs before. Is yours ok at school?

OOOOh, mine, wel, let's just say he was excluded from nursery when he was 3. So no he is not okay at school. Constantly being removed from class for being disruptive, and aggressive towards other children at playtimes.
School have been really quite good about this (sometimes) and we have had the EDucational Pyschologist involved prior to him starting school.
We have regular meetings say every 6 weeks to discuss things, and since he was diagnosed with Aspergers, they have tended to be more sympathetic, shall we say.
But it is hard. When you go to pick him up from school and you have no idea if he will come out in a good mood and walk home quitely, or if he will come charging out in a bad mood, calling his teachers and classmates and generally being very loud and abusive.
I really think you don't need to worry about this though, as you say DS has usually been well behaved at school and is a middle of the road achiever. You usually find that children with Aspergers tend to be extremely high achievers academically. Headteacher told me that if DS could behave better, he could actually go on to Oxford or Cambridge. Although I think he was just trying to make me feel better and stop me crying in his office.

BTW I would much rather have a middle of the road achiever than a mini genius with a bad attitude.

What's he like with his dad?

me and his dad seperated 4 years ago. DS has regular contact but my boys say dad is quite hard of them altho ex's idea of entertaining kids is to either leave them on a games console or take them to his mothers (who buys them what they want ehen they want it even tho I have asked this to stop on several occasions)
I have partner that has lived here 2 years. DS gets on with him ok and new partner makes time to be good male role model. Just seen DS still asleep...how come all seems perfect til they wake up??!!

fairy....It must be hard...I work in a primary school and used to work with kids on the spectrum so kind of know where you are coming from.

So if you do work with children on the spectrum, you will be familiar with their general need for clear boundaries and rules that make sense, lack of tolerance for long conversations involving interactive listening skills?
What rules are you setting OP? Where did he get the idea that broken items will be replaced?
What warnings and sanctions do you have for unacceptable behaviour, and are you calm and consistent about applying them?
You know that Asperger's is an explanation and not an excuse, so you need to work appropriately with what you have.

Sorry, but you need to come down hard. Find his currency and make it work. Be strict with rules and consequences, but also loads of small rewards for good behaviour too!

I also think that getting so much money for his Birthday, as to be able to buy a bmx and an i-pod touch is too much! Imo half of that should have been put in the bank with half kept to spend.

Spoiling your children gets you absolutely nowhere as they end up with a very "disposable" attitude. DD went through a stage of this and we had to stop just buying her bits and bobs all the time, to making her earn them. Now if something breaks that she blatantly hasn't taken care of then she has to save up her pocket money/chores money and replace it herself! Since we've done this, strangely nothing has been broken!

He sounds like many teenagers. There is no cure, you just have to manage it and wait until they reach the next stage, anything from 4 to 40 years.

Read all the teenager threads on here and follow their advice.

The big switch from kid to teen parenting is that with teens you have to grit your teeth, stop protecting them so much and let them learn the hard way as it's the only way they learn.

He knows that saying the teacher is a prat is rude. He says it because it makes him feel powerful. Telling him it's rude just confirms to him that he's done something bad and got awaynwith it.

What he still has to learn is that whatever he thinks of his teacher does 't matter, the teacher is still in charge and still knows more than he does, and still doles out the work, and he still has to do it. Tough.

Enjoy the coming years, teenagers can be fantastic. Just different.

It's good that his step dad is a good presence at home.

And yes, firm boundaries and consistent discipline need to be enforced.

Having said that, I think your son's behaviour and attitude might be tied up with his relationship with his dad.

This is a tricky age and marriage break ups are very difficult for young children to deal with.

Your son is now entering into a stage of his life where his father is very important to him as well as his step father. I would guess that there is a lot of frustration and anger emerging from him and the only way he can express it is by behaving badly to one and all.

Perhaps there are still unresolved issues surrounding the separation. I'm only guessing.

Your ex partner needs to be aware of that and needs to be more involved. His role is imperative in your son's life. Hopefully if he spends more quality time with him, good behaviour and attitude will follow.

Not easy to achieve but it's a starting point.