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Parenting

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Original poster

Am I a Victorian Parent?

42 replies

flamehairedgirl · 04/02/2011 10:45

My 11 year old daughter is constantly being invited on trips into the local town by a couple of her friends (same age), with no adult supervision. I am very uncomfortable with this, especially as I don't know all the girls involved, and have said no. I personally don't believe they have the maturity to cope should anything untoward happen, or, as girls are prone to do, I can imagine them falling out and my daughter ending up stranded alone in the middle of nowhere! Am I being over protective?

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Original poster

flamehairedgirl · 05/02/2011 11:33

I think the ideas about teaching DD what to do in the event of emergency, where to catch the bus etc is very useful. It's not something we've done yet because the situation hasn't arisen but we'll certainly have that conversation with her.

The current outing causing concern however is to a city (in all but name) 15 miles away which she is not familiar with where they would be shopping for several hours before a cinema visit/meal and then be picked up later. Whilst I trust my DD I neither know or trust all the girls involved.

OP posts:

5Foot5 · 05/02/2011 15:53

I let my DD go in to the town centre when she was about that age, but we do live in quite a small town and it is only about a mile from our house. I made sure that she knew where to catch the bus from and I also rehearsed the route on foot with her, including the safest place to cross the busy roads, so that she was confident she could get herself home.

I think I would have been a little nervous of her going somewhere 15 miles away if I wasn't sure she was familar with the town. However, if they are being dropped off and picked up and there is something organised for them to do while they are there then that does sound fairly safe.

For a while we were in a similar situation to ivykaty in that DDs friend's mum was very protective and reluctant to let her DD in to town. On a few occasions she would only allow it if she took her DD and was in town herself and then met them again to take them home. Which did put a bit of a crimp in the day for my DD too as she liked the independence of being able to take herself and felt that her friend's Mum was spoiling it for both of them. Not an issue any more though.

MrsvWoolf · 05/02/2011 15:59

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Lamorna · 05/02/2011 16:19

Yes, you are overprotective.

BelleDameSansMerci · 05/02/2011 16:44

I think 11 is a bit young (but my DD is nowhere near that age) tbh. I think, as other posters have said, that it depends on the town involved. I don't think a large town with your DD is unfamiliar is a good starting point though. Sorry, probably not very helpful.

seeker · 05/02/2011 19:00

I repeat. What harm is the child goingt o come to come to being dropped off then picked up later?

ivykaty44 · 05/02/2011 21:08

seeker locally to me a teen was attacked in her own home - as the man tricked his way in by saying her mum had sent him to fix the boiler. Yet people worry about teens in public spaces rather than closer to home. Ask them when something last happened in town to a group of girls shopping

Lamorna · 05/02/2011 21:11

How does anyone ever let a DC out?!! All these horror stories really stifle our DCs. Why hadn't the mother prepared her for people tricking their way into the house?
I have rules if they are in alone.

Lamorna · 05/02/2011 21:12

I was only about 6 yrs when my mother warned me about people saying 'your mother said....'

ivykaty44 · 05/02/2011 21:23

read the story

Thankfully he was recently given 22 years in jail

seeker · 05/02/2011 23:26

That is an absolutely awful story. I'm not sure how it is relevant to whether or not children should be allowed out in town with their friends, though.

Himalaya · 06/02/2011 00:45

Yes I think you are being a bit overprotective. It is a big jump though to let them out on their own, but has to be done at some time.

I think 11 is fine. I let 11 yr od DS go to town on his own to meet friends. Mobile phone is not a panacea, but does make you feel calmer.

My mum never used to let me out, used to walk me to parties etc..I hated it. I used to do things like not tell her that it was half day school at the end of term, so I could hang out round the shops with friends. She still gets stresses that I let DS out.

ivykaty44 · 06/02/2011 09:58

seeker - it was the point that letting teens out of the home isn't dangerous and actually more accidents and incidents happen at home rather than in town with mates.

Lamorna · 06/02/2011 10:09

I think that the lesson is that accidents happen. If you keep your DC at home with you all the time an aeroplane could crash into the roof or next doors gas boiler could explode!
You can't live your life on 'what might happen'. You prepare your DC about possible dangers and how they should react and then you let them get on with it. In the days of mobile phones I don't think there is much danger for an 11 yr old on a Saturday afternoon, if they have a problem they could phone.

ragged · 06/02/2011 10:10

I thought that Neufeld&Mate book basically said that everyone should HE their kids or peer pressure will cast-iron guaranteed turn them into juvenile delinquent monsters.

Many Victorian children were out working hard for the family by 8yo, and children played out as young as 2-3yo unsupervised by any adults.

I can understand not letting her go with other children you don't know, OP; could you invite them around sometime so that you can reassure yourself that the friendships are solid and the other girls are nice?

Around here almost all Yr7s travel to and from high school by themselves, often passing near the town centre. By the time they start High School I want DC to feel very secure in handling themselves when they are on their own, have some street smarts. The transition to High School is tough enough without them having to acquire other new skills at the same time.

activate · 06/02/2011 10:13

you have to start letting go eventually

11 is secondary school age and in the main secondary school kids get to and from high schol alone so they should have the basic copign mechanisms in place

so yes I think you'rre over-protective

teach her how to cope in the worst situation - lend her a mobile phone and let her grow up in little stages

your job is to teach her how to cope through the next few challenging years - it is not to put a cotton wool blanket arround her and not let her develop

some trips will be unacceptable of course but you can't put a blanket no in place - not at 11 IMO

Gonzo33 · 06/02/2011 18:27

As a side issue, can you not call the parent dropping off and picking up your child? Maybe it will reassure you slightly.

Seeker - I suggested the dc took a mobile phone because I know I would feel better if my dc did. Most people with common sense (which I am sure the op has) would make sure that the phone was charged etc.

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