Some of you may remember my various desperate posts over the last three years about my ds1 (nearly 6 now) who shows extreme defiance, anger and tantrums.
Life is getting better.
I thought I would post again for all those who still lie in bed in the mornings, filled with dread for the day ahead, wondering what will trigger their dc's rage etc this time.
Dh and I discovered this book. There is a slightly annoying prattling on when you open the site but he talks such sense.
After reading the book, dh and I managed to work out a way to stand shoulder to shoulder (for once) and apply positive reinforcement for every single thing ds1 (and dd even though she's no bother) did from getting dressed after one ask to putting on his shoes.
He would get a marble every time he did it and lashes of praise. In week 1, he had to get 20 marbles to get this titchy Lego kit as a top reward. He was so motivated, it's unreal. His behaviour swung from really awful (as usual) to absolutely fantastic (very very rare!). We were staggered.
So, week 2 saw us showing him a slightly bigger Lego toy that needed even more marbles to win. But this week we started bundling tasks together like getting dressed AND cleaning teeth after one ask gets a marble.
And week 3 sees more bundling of tasks, more marbles needed to get that Lego toy and we are seeing results.
I was sceptical at first - thinking we were rewarding him for farting - but he's responded so well to the rewards and the positive words we've given with the marbles.
Also, I've found what works is instant punishment - not taking away or withholding marbles - but bed or step and not distant punishment with warnings and protracting the negative situation. Just like instant reward. That way you can move on from the negative incident quickly and the child can start being positive again.
No day is perfect but then that wouldn't be normal either. What is happening is that the good times are starting to be far more frequent than the bad.
I'm not an evangelical but the relief is IMMENSE. At last, I feel like I have a tool box that I can use to help me get through to ds1. I fear I've not handled the last three years at all well - was blundering, all upset and lost in the dark trying to find solutions - but I have found this book and the marble rewards to work wonders.
Only wanting to share some positivity and information with those who want some help.