How to develop a thick skin!

[ChessyEvans]

Hi all, wasn't really sure where to post this but I guess in parenting is a good place to start. I'm not even a parent yet, first baby is due in April. But obviously I'm already receiving 'advice' from various quarters and it's really winding me up!!

At the moment, I can get away with saying "we're going to wait and see how things go" as a response to most things but my mum and MIL are both in particular keen to offer advice.

Whilst I do understand that they have successfully raised children and are only trying to be nice, I find it really stressful when they offer advice that I know I would not want to follow. It's only small things like routine or no routine, when to potty train, BF or FF (ok so not small things but nothing that's going to damage my baby that would justify my outrage at their suggestions!)

So... rambling thread, but how do I learn to listen and then disregard opinions, smile sweetly but ignore them etc? How do you cope when people "innocently" make comments about your parenting? Are all those people who smile sweetly and just say they're happy with their choice secretly inside, or do I just need to chill out?!

I think its good you are thinking about this now because if they have started before the baby is born, god knows what they will be like when the baby is here !

Just listen to them and thank them for their input. Take on baord what youlike and ignore the rest.
If they get too much then say thank you but you want to try your own ways but will ask their advice if you need it.
Get your husband to support you in this and decide together the best way to handle both grandmothers !

Trust your own judgement and good luck

You are doing the right thing at the moment. I will stick to the 'wait and see' line (it is all you should do anyway, you don't know until you have the baby; practice is very different from theory and babies don't read the same books!)
Afterwards I just stuck to smiling sweetly, say 'yes' and 'no' according to which is needed, don't elaborate or discuss and quietly do your own thing. They get the message eventually, without you being unpleasant and even respect you for it!

No idea!
I have a 7 month old and will be watching this thread for ideas...

People giving advice are often just keen to talk about their own experiences

So if you can bear it, ask them about it and reflect it e.g. Your Mun says "You should be breastfeeding," you say "You think breastfeeding is best? Tell me what happened for you?" and then listen to the answer & reflect that... "So, it sounds like you wish you'd given breastfeeding a chance/ really believe it's best/ really enjoyed breastfeeding..." then keep reflecting back until they're done. Finally, say something non-committal like "Thanks for telling me how it went for you." I know that this sounds a bit sarcastic written down, but it actually works very well - people are grateful for the chance to be heard AND generally stop it more quickly! Listening to their story is good because it allows you to see it as just that - THEIR story, that may or may not have relevance to yours (and it just might!)

It also helps to get behind why the advice giver is so keen on something- often they are talking about what they wish they'd done, rather than what they did. Yes, they have raised children but it is so easy to forget what it actually feels like to be living through it.

If you are overwhelmed, here are 2 options. The first is to be honest- say "I'm really overwhelmed with advice at the moment and too tired to take it in, can we leave it for now?" option 2, is give them another way to be helpful, e.g. "what I really need today is for someone to cook the dinner/pick up X from the shop."

Thanks everyone, that's helpful and especially Fanjo - so wise at 4am?!!

I think if I'm completely honest it's my own fault as I don't take criticism well and I tend to see the comments as criticism of my choices, rather than just somebody wanting to share what their experience was.

Also I think I may be expecting it to be worse than it really is - I am basing what I think it will be like on the way my mum talks to me about my SIL, or the MIL talks about cousins etc - I don't think they're actually that judgemental to their faces (although with my mum I think I'll be able to tell!).

I just want to hibernate and live in a bubble with my new baby (and maybe DH!!) and not speak to anybody!! Don't think that's an option though so will try some of your suggestions above first

I think you've hit the nail on the head when you say that you tend to see other peoples' comments as a criticism of your choices. This is the bit that's hard to overcome, but easier when you've identified it.

Once the baby is here, you'll all have other things on your mind than when to potty train etc.

Thank you! DS still wakes and needs repeat visits to his room at 4am, thank goodnessfile smart phones to ease the boredom.

I probably should have taken my auntie's advice to let him cry it out :)

Goodnessfile?! - goodness for!