What to do with a part time Dad who is most of the time "reasonable" but has episodes of "what the hell"???

[MrsWhatToDo]

My Ex partner and i have been separated for over 8 years. We have a ds who is 9 together. I have since married (Very happy with dh!)and have ds 6yo and dd 3yo.

Most of the time life ambles along pretty well. ds1 has always gone to his Dads every other weekend, sometimes extra if they want to. He takes him on holidays and to all family celebrations. I have always been very careful to make sure that they have as close a relationship as possible. Phones him whenever he wants and I let ex in on ex in on any decisions with ds too.

But lately as Ds is getting older and challenges certain decisions ex is being awkward. They have started arguing, and ds argues at home too. I tell ds something, to set him straight (I call that being a mum). But Ex will tell ds that he can expect me to be difficult as i am just a difficult person!!!
Aside from wondering how he can come to the conclusion that i am difficult when i have always been careful to be as easy going as possible. it's just bad parenting on his part to tell him that isn't it? I was full on accused by ex of putting my own wants above my ds... Frustrating to say the least. But i know this isn't true... I am just concerned that he will get my ds believing it. I have never talked his dad down to him. on the whole he has always been a good dad anyway. the problems were between us. I don't know how to tread with my son... as it is clear that his dad is going to be totally irrational and unreasonable. And poor ds feels like he has to take sides. I have told him that he doesn't need to believe one or the other, (he is a very mature boy), and that he knows ,if he thinks about it, when he has done something that is wrong really.
But ex will not stand with me as a parent any more. Even though we have always said we need to. I'd appreciate any thoughts.

How likely is it that this is just a ruck, like parents who live together occasionally have?

My exh has always done that to my son, who is the same age as yours. My son, however, knows better by his own experience. Your son will know what the truth is, and he will have probably already made his own mind up.

Don't worry, just continue being supportive of their relationship.

If it start's looking like it is going to get completely out of hand call a meeting with your ex at a neutral and public place and tell him how you feel and how your worried it will affect your son together.

Oh Sparkle, We have had ruck after ruck over the years. but it has never involved ds. I am just stunned that he would undermine me and confuse Ds that way...And then tell me that i am the one with the problem...

Gonzo It's awful isn't it. I hope Ds does work it out because i wouldn't ever try to tell him his Dad was wrong. Calling a meeting is a lovely fantasy... He wouldn't take it well. I have told him that we need to stand together for Ds's sake but apparently he doesn't agree... He says I only say that because it suits me! WTH!!!

Starting to think that i should have put this in AIBU...

I really would be grateful for anyone's thoughts...

what do i have to do get this noticed?

Thats a toughy.

You need to stay consistent with DS, and you are doing well not to talk exh down - well done! DS should know you in his heart and know you are not being difficult. I am sure he is also more aware of the dynamic between you and exh than you realise so will take this into account.

If you need to tell DS off for something or say no, and exh undermines you, as long as you can explain your decision to DS logically - he should be able to see you are not being difficult, and as you said, he knows when he is in the wrong really.

Stay on the moral high ground and your son will see this, and hopefully learn to manage his relationship with his dad in time. I would also try for the meeting with his Dad to explain that telling DS you are difficult makes parenting him harder, and you would appreciate it if he keeps insults about you off the table with DS - if he has an issue with you, could he tell you not DS as a middle man. It sounds like this wont sink in, but at least you will have tried...

The way I read it is that your DS is pushing boundaries with both of you but as of yet you and your EXH have not reasonably discussed this with DS together and reset those boundaries for him.

Dh is miffed, you are miffed and you have both take up positions. Are you a difficult person to get along with as your EXH says? You say you are 'always careful' to be as easy going as possible which would infer that naturally you are not....which your EXH would know if he lived with you.

It is more difficult to parent a child when living apart and there will be times when one party says something that is not appropriate but in the big scheme of things these would just be overlooked and people would move on. You say he is being unreasonable and irrational and he says you are being difficult. You are both saying the same thing about each other.

The ideal would be to sit down with your DS and EXP and talk to DS about where he is, what he feels and together re-examine his boundaries and see if there is any room for movement.

This does not have to be a deal breaker for your existing co-parenting relationship.

Jointhedots - if only everyone was as rational as your thinking! DH once expressed concern to his EXW that she was using bad language to call him certain names in earshot of the children (they had complained to him) and her response was "Well they will because they live here!"

These modern family situations are very difficult to navigate.

Very true Soiree, very true.

I think all we can do is be the best role models we can for our DCs. Its so hard when there are emotions involved, and it must be so tempting to draw them into conversations which will inevitably lead to bitching about the other half, or as you say, just let them overhear in the case of the ExW.

hi sorry reading all messages. I left to get my daughter from preschool.

Thats it join the dots i would never allow my son toget drawn into conversations that would lead to me putting his dad down. When i say that i am "Very Careful" I mean that i am careful not to just react at Exp. As he is insainly stubborn. I know that he is saying the same about me. Which is one of the things i find so frustrating. I haven't taken up a position. I want to talk it out. But he says that all i want is my own way! And he isn't going to pander to it :(. He doesn't really know me that well. (On of the reasons we split). We were very young. I have even tried to explain that we are totally different people now anyway. but he wont have that either. Introduces head to brick wall

I wish i were a difficult person... If i were i would have told him to put up and shut up a long time ago. And told him just to be glad i wasn't one of these awful women that didn't allow access and told the kids that dads a git. I can't be like that... Because my son deserves a loving dad in his life and Ex was never bad at that...

Then all you can do is maintain your current approach with your DS and allow him to do his thing with his Dad. If the time has come where it is breaking down beyond repair (as a lot of co-parenting relationships do) then you just have to let his dad do what he will as long as he is acting in the best interests of your DS. If my EXH was to start criticising me in front of my DD I would be ignoring it, simply because making a huge fuss will draw attention to what he is saying. Ignoring it means it dies quicker.

You sound like you are doing the very best you can for the situation and your DS. Nobody can ask anymore of you.

Thanks Sparkle... I hope you are right. I keep reminding myself that if his dad was a more reasonable and co operative person things would be totally different anyway. I should stop hoping he will behave differently.Just to skim one senario recently. He accused me of not being happy unless he agrees with me. I don't want him agree with everything i say and do. I actually wanted his opinion. If i didn't care what he thought,as he says, i would never have asked him. I fail to see how a person who hasn't made up their mind in situations can be out to get people to agree with them!? It then turned into a row where kept saying but i am asking you what you think...but he wouldn't tell me. He just kept saying he didn't agree with me! I wouldn't mind but i had approached the conversation in "pro's and cons" "what do you reckon" kind of way. I'm ranting now i know.