I'm a crap Mum, please help.

[rubyblue]

Sitting here snotty nosed and crying as I've yet again had a bad morning (day) with ds (3) and dd (6 months) and just feeling like i'm losing my grip and being a really crap mum to ds. Baby woke up at 5am as dh left for work so i took her into bed to feed then ds comes through at 6.30am which is fine but he sees her in bed with me and starts clambering all over her and I'm telling him to be gentle and can feel myself getting stressed. Then he hit her in the face with his toy. Cue me going ballistic, took him out of the room and into his bedroom. Ten minutes later he hits me on the face. So two bouts of me shouting at him before 8am. Then I feel so guilty and try to make it up to him and give him cuddles.

So manage to get us all dressed and fed but then got stressed about getting out the front door to go to playgroup and I can see the time ticking away and ds is doddling around and refusing to put his coat on.

We got back an hour ago and it was another tantrum as he wanted me to play a game whilst the baby was kicking off for a feed before her nap. And I'm saying, 'just a minute' and trying to give her a bottle and he's at the bedroom door screaming hysterically. At which point I shouted (so ashamed of this) that I couldn't cope with two crying children.

Came downstairs to find ds had fallen asleep over his sandwich. Cue massive guilt from me.

I am so sad and worried that I'm damaging him. He asked me at breakfast 'if i was better now?'. I hate raising my voice, why can't I control myself? I know it's attention seeking behaviour. He has still not adjusted to his sister's arrival. I try to spend time with him but I find myself having to spend a lot of time looking after the baby and I guess I just expect him to be a bit better by now. I'm so tired of it all.

Go to your GP and get checked out for post natal depression if this is a regular occurrence.

Oh sweetheart this isn't bad parenting, it's just parenting. Give him errands to do while you're feeding, or get him to grab a book and sit with you wihile you feed.

Firstly, I'm not a parent so can't offer advice on how to deal with tantrums and the like but I wanted to say that the experience you describe sounds so much like lots of parents deal with. I know when my sister's 2nd DC came along she had to try to manage her eldest's jealousy and how that came out (hitting, shouting, tantruming) but now they are a bit older they get on well and play together.

I just wanted to encourage you not to beat yourself up about it, it's a stressful time and you are asking for help. Hope you get some good support on here.

what coldtits said. your post could have been me on a number of occasions in the last year. ds1 is fine.

Oh, bless. He sounds like he is having trouble adjusting to the new baby, as are you.

The first couple of months with a new baby and a toddler are difficult. Accept it and don't feel that it is you. It is the same for everyone.

Can you let him watch TV or give him a favourite book/toy while you see to your baby.

Don't be so hard on yourself. It will get better.

My DC are now 6yo and 8yo and play so well together, it is lovely to have a smallish age gap. You just have to get through the first year.

Thanks so much. I'm blubbing even more now at your kind words. When is it ever going to get better? We have lovely days and times too, it's just really hard when I'm alone with them both for 12 hours, doing everything and when the day starts badly, I end up in a mindset and all tense and I know it's not his fault. He's at an age now when he picks up on my moods and I absolutely don't want to be a shouty Mum and god forbid, to have him scared of me.

I keep telling myself, 'you're the adult, control yourself' and I know by shouting it's not doing any good, just a release of anger for me.

MrsRichardHammond, I don't often feel like this but have been feeling up and down recently and just put it down to tiredness and hormones (giving up bf).

I'll add as well - the experience of raising a second baby is nothing like the experience of raising your first, because to my shock, I still had to do absolutely everything ds1 had come to expect with ds2 in my arms and it was so so hard balancing their needs.

Like - with your first you have become programmed that the minute the baby cries, you drop what you're doing and see to it, right? And this seems normal, natural and right. But then ... with your second child, if you drop what you are doing, you might be dropping something that would DEVASTATE your bigger baby. Such as the end of a story or game, or immediate breakfast. Or a long and tangly conversation about Why.

So you have to learn a different way of relating to your second baby than you had with your first. You have to learn to somehow put the baby's needs first without the toddler noticing that this is what you are doing.

I used to tell rotten lies, you know. I used to say "Oh, I'd love to play hide and seek but my feet hurt so much that I think I must sit down (baby feeding time). How about - I'll close my eyes, and you hide something, and I'll guess where you've hidden it."

Or "My arm hurts too much to push the swing at the moment (baby feeding time again) so I'll make an eye spy game. I spy with my little eye, something that is blue. Ds, what can you see that is blue?"

Or even "Can you be a super giant big boy and find me a nappy and some baby wipes so I can put the baby down and play jigsaws?"

rubyblue - take care of yourself and if you don't feel better within a few weeks please do go and see your GP as hormones are the primary cause of post natal depression, i hope everything settles down for you soon though.

That's just it. The baby is so easy - she is the ignored child and so sunny and grateful for any attention I give her and I'm scared that I prefer her to parenting the toddler who is a lot harder work! And then I think well ds has had all our attention for 2.5 years and it's hard for him to adjust but it's good for him too. They do have lovely moments in the bath and when she's laughing at him.

Thanks for the tips. I wish I had more patience.

I have a 3 year age gap, and now they give me funny looks if I try to give attention to one of them, as they much prefer to play with each other. They are off sick at the moment and I think that if I tried to separate them, there would be much wailing and knashing of teeth.

They are now 7 and 4, they play with each other, and very rARELY fight, and furthermore, they both get up at 7.15 am as they can both tell the goddamn time and they can play downstairs completely safely anyeway. Sometimes I don't get up until 9.

It does get better, it gets MILES better, and once the draining night/early feeds are over, BOTH your babies will seem like much nicer people.

Is your boy mature enough to go downstairs and put the tv on while you feed?

It's ok to have temporary parenting favourites. Ds2 was my favourite while ds1 was 4, and ds2 was 1. Ds1 was my favourite whiles ds2 was 2 right through to 4! And now ds1 can be quite surely and won't let my kiss or cuddle him, and ds2 is a sunny delight, albeit a volatile one....

She won't be the eay one forever, believe me. When she is two and your oldest is 5, and goes to school, and is reasonable, and you don't have to deal with his bum any more - you might find your preferences swing towards the older child again!

Yes, I need to teach him how to use the tv. He's had loads of it recently as we've potty trained him by bribing him with cbeebies.

That's good to hear coldtits. I look forward to the day when they can play together and even band together! We're still sleep deprived and that's not helping. A 9am lie in would be fab!

MRH, I will go to GP if not better in a few weeks. I felt very down with ds when he was about 4 months old and was surprised to feel depressed later on.

It does get better. You won't notice it at first, but one day you will think, "This is not as hard as it used to be".

Is there anything that you can use as a bribe - not necessarily chocolate or a toy - but something that your DS loves to do, but you don't do so often because it is too messy/timeconsuming/boring?

And do get him involved in being the big brother.

No advice other than that I think looking after a baby and a toddler is so hard. You don't sound like a crap mum - you sound like a caring but tired one. What is your partner like for support? Anyone else who can help you out with anything? It does get easier but you might need more support now. Might be worth seeing a (sympathetic) GP or HV to check out PND possibility at least to rule it out

Rubyblue, you could be describing some of my days with nearly 3 yo DS and 10 mo DD. We missed toddler group this am because DS wouldn't put on his shoes and coat. Eventually went to feedthe ducks - his choice - and he ended up crying because he was scared of them....

Life all too often seems like an endless round of doing everything inadequately (parenting, cooking, housework and, soon, for me, work as well). And I, too, feel bad about the amount if shouting (and bribery) I resort to. In fact, sometimes I loathe myself for it. It's just not how I imagined I'd be.

And yet I do find there are compensations: when they laugh and laugh and laugh together over goodness knows what, how DD squeals with excitement when she sees her big brother when they've been apart for a while and how DS is so keen to show her off to his nursery friends.

Don't know if this helps any - to be sure, it doesn't help me when DS wrestles her to the ground or I am surveying a kitchen filled with dirty dishes and laundry while both of them scream in the background - but you're not at alone. And I am sure, as others say, it does get better.

You are NOT a crap mum !!!!
You obviously love your children and just don't know how to cope right now. Anyone with a child of 3 and 6 months would find it stressful !
Be kinder to yourself because you won't even be able to take in advice or tips from anyone when you are feeling so low.
Like someone else said - See the doctor/health visitor incase you have depression.

we have lots of days like this. And lots of lovely days too. DDs are 2.9 and 7 months.

I just have to tell myself it doesn't matter if we're late for preschool/music group/a playdate etc. People understand, the toddler doesn't care. It's no point getting stressed about being late.

Also, in my experience, if you can it's almost always easier to sort the toddler out first before dealing with the baby. Even if the baby cries at least you can put her in a safe place and know she is ok, whereas a toddler can get into all sorts of mischief and also often the behaviour escalates into a full scale tantrum.

Or try my tried and tested method for when things get really bad:

1. Walk to the shop (baby falls asleep)
2. Buy crap magazine and a galaxy for you, Cbeebies magazine and buttons for toddler
3. Come home and stick telly on for half an hour while you both read/watch/eat crap and baby sleeps

I have only one child, which can at times already be challenging. To me it sounds that it might be most helpful for all of you if you can get your ds involved with helping looking after baby. He is the big brother and he may feel proud if he can help you with getting bits and pieces and in this way he gets more of your time in a positive way at the same time. Also, I would try to explain to him that a little baby needs to get feeds at a certain time and why this is, so he knows that it is not to punish him and that it is not that you don't care about him or prefer baby. Also, could you try to do some special activity for him, like going to a soft play area (baby can sleep there), you can have a bit of rest and ds can run wild. Alternatively, do you have a swimming pool with a creche, so you can swim with ds whilst baby naps in the creche. I think it is important that if at all possible you can have some positive one to one activity with your older son. Are there any other people who can help you, look after baby for a few hours? Try not to feel guilty, but do try to address the shouting, because it is not good for you and not good for your son. Clearly, if it happens now and then, ds will not suffer but you want to prevent it becoming a pattern. Also, do speak with your GP/midwife, but to me it sounds you just need some help from friends/family so you have a bit more time for ds and yourself as well.

Thanks everyone. Feeling a bit more positive and that I'm not doing irrevocable harm to ds. Well, I really hope not. Going to take him to soft play this afternoon so he can run off steam and I can have a cuppa.
Thanks for all your wise words and support, I really needed a mumsnet hug!