Sharing your love between two kiddies close in age

[fairi]

Any tips or coping mechanisms out there for managing the juggle of sharing your love between two kiddies whose needs are quite different, but both quite demanding?

I have a toddler of 2years 4 months and a 9 month old - both boys. Still not quite ready to play together alone - but both sufficiently active to be really demanding of me for attention.

How does one share oneself out effectively?

I have two daughters aged 2years-2months and a 10 month old.

My 10 month old still has a nap in the morning - I use this time to read or play with my toddler. I feel guilty as my baby seems to have to amuse herself most of the time.

The measure of this though, is that they both seem very happy and now have started to play together.

Having twins makes it even harder!! Trying to give equal love to two children doign things AT The Same Time Every Day and Night drives you crazy

To be honest I have 4 kids including the twins and I don't think its a matter of sharing love equally. It's more like trundling along (rolling eyes emotion)

when i had ds2 when ds1 was just 11 months i used to feel very guilty as the baby take almost all of my time and there was none for ds1 but that situation has changed now. They are 21 and 10 months now but i still have to favour ds2 when ds1 hits him.

zoe2kids - What does your toddler do while you're putting your baby to sleep? How do you keep your toddler from disturbing the going down process? Any tips?

Magnolia1 - my hat off to you for your handful and just coping! How do you juggle putting your twins to sleep? And how on earth do you manage it with the other two at the time - whats your secret?

Pomi - what happened with DS1 when you were busy sorting out DS2? How did he amuse himself - so you could care for ds2 without interruption?

tv

id also guard against playing tTOO much

show the odler one how to play with ht e younger one
there wasa GOOD articel on this in yeterdays times

id also guard against playing tTOO much

show the odler one how to play with ht e younger one
there wasa GOOD articel on this in yeterdays times.................

"My five-year-old is a happy and well-behaved child who seems to love his four-month-old sister. We have tried to make sure that he gets his share of the love and attention and he enjoys helping to care for her, fetching nappies and helping at bathtime. But when he thinks that no one is looking he sometimes hurts her and twice I have found her with a pillow and then a duvet over her face. We reacted angrily, then calmly explained how dangerous his actions were. We have asked why he has done this, but he just says that he doesn?t know. I realise that jealousy is not unusual in a child of his age when a baby arrives, but I am worried. I will make sure that he is not left alone with her, but do you have any suggestions about how best to deal with this?

Judith, 25

What you describe is very common: your son is showing an adjustment reaction to his new sibling and this is normal. I remember my daughter Lily asking me when new baby brother Jack was going to back to the shop, thank you very much. She was horrified when I explained that he was here to stay; a new baby that wasn?t a sister but a brother ? it was all too much.

It is important to give an older sibling time to get over the shock of the new baby and also to come to terms with the realisation that they are no longer the sole focus of attention. In the early days there will be moments when the older child acts up. This should be tolerated and managed calmly but assertively because this really is an emotional time for your eldest.

Women

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However, there does come a point when all older children need to be shown that enough is enough and that their aggressive or impulsive behaviour won?t be tolerated. I think you are at that stage.

It is hard to get tough as we, as parents, tend to feel rather sorry for the eldest and worry that we?ve let them down by bringing another on board. However, if we don?t help them to learn appropriate behaviour around their new sibling it could, if left, become more difficult to manage at a later date.

First, I want to say that you must not read too much into the behaviour ? the duvet and pillow do not signify psychopathic tendencies but merely an over exuberance in a child who is still developing concepts of safety. Of course it is not right and must not happen so at the time you need to impose a clear boundary with a firm ?NO!? If the behaviour continues, put him in his room for a few minutes, and this will help him to get the message.

After he?s come out of his room, explain exactly why he went in and how he must not do that to his baby sister again ? but don?t over-explain, because he is unlikely to understand the subtle nuances that you would be trying to convey.

Certainly, there is no point in asking him why he is doing what he does because it is impulsive over-exuberant behaviour that, at 5, he can?t process or explain (and if you are asking this question because you are looking to see if he confesses some problem with his sister then that won?t happen).

Instead, you might inadvertently give him so much attention in these discussions that you reinforce the behaviour and he continues to do it because he knows it has such a powerful impact on you and gets him a lot of attention (and gets you away from the baby). So, a clear ?NO?, a clear consequence and a clear but brief explanation and then move on with the day with it all forgotten (unless it happens again, that is).

You could also be more creative in handling this: make sure you praise every positive interaction ? because he is 5, I?d suggest a star on his sticker chart for lovely-big-brother behaviour. This is an effective way of shaping a child?s behaviour and it reminds you to really praise his loveliness.

Set up special playtimes with him and the baby with you observing his play with her and giving a positive running commentary of all he does but trying not to correct him or become overly anxious if things get a little vigorous. At those times gently remind him to ?be soft? and show him gentle ways of playing. Also, make sure that you make plenty of time for just the two of you, so he still has special time alone with mummy.

This is just a phase and it does not mean that your child has any nasty personality streak ? he?s just cross with you for having another baby.

He?ll get over it. "

thought that was really good

Fairi care without interruption is not possible unless the other one is asleep. The HV told me to get ds1 busy in some activity before you feed the baby but you cant think of any thing when a baby is crying for milk.

Fairi: Now they are 6 it's getting easier to get them all to bed. Dd1 is 10 so goes to bed at 8-8.30pm after the others. DD4 is 2 and goes at 7pm, the twins go at 7.15ish. 1 story and on a good night they go off to sleep within minutes. On a bad night I am up and down like a yo yo with the normal threats of 'You Will lose Pasta If You Carry On'

I think that it is easier with two close in age (and size). I have a 16mth gap, and my two are now 6 and 5. I have to admit that I had a nanny so she got to do most of the hard work (although she had come from a family of 5 including one with ADHD, so my two were relatively easy after that!) The one advantage of the close age gap is that I don't have to worry about the older one hurting the younger one, as they are about the same size, and both quite capable of putting up a fight - in fact it was my younger dd who was aggressive to my older ds when they were small enough to be in a double buggy (she loved to reach out and pull his hair!). ds was also going through an independent stage when dd was born which helped enormously. The other thing is that he really didn't seem to remember a time when dd wasn't there. Now they love each other more than dh and me really, although they fight and argue at times. In a lot of ways we treat them like twins, which is probably unfair on dd, but seems generally to work well on the whole.

Pomi - what happens with ds1 or what does he do, when baby has cried for milk and you're feeding him? What does he get up to and how do you cope with it? And then, how do you get baby down effectively without ds1 waking him?

have 14 months between my eldest two,just over 2.5 year all three. It is a constant challenge sharing myself three ways with different abilities - we did a lot of playing in the bath at first just because it was great for eventing things out. Had one of those bath seats the round saftey first one - the youngest would always laugh at the oldest, and no the older two as they splashed about. The older, and now older two love it when my youngest laughs at them. We did little things like playing ball chasing bubbles. reading, and painting are much trickier as they are labour intensive unless you do them in the bathroom and let them in the bath. The more animated I could be with the book the better, ie the gruffalo lots of opp for funny voices - going on a bear hunt - a bit long but imitating stomping etc great you can hold youngest and older child will often enjoy doing stomping. But for everytime I get it right there is one where nothing works. Things like playdoh and sand just had to be done when youngest asleep or daddy could take them.

also mixing is great when you need an immediate distraction - messy though unless you put lots of paper down. just a big bowl with water, small bowls of what ever - flour, pasta etc and couple of mixing instruments whisks, spoons etc measuring cups. mine would sit for ages. best to let them run round in vest and nappies = less washing and changing.

One thing we did after having ds2 is we spearete the room of ds1 sothat both will not start waking eachother up at night. If one is having a nap i always keep the door shut and keep the other one away. Now i keep telling my 21 month old to be quiet as his brother is sleeping, he coppies me by putting his fingure on his mouth but at the same time talks loudly and do not miss a chance to wake his brother up.

Nooka - I can't even comprehend the dynamics of 4 at this point! Would you give us a wee peek in to your leading up to story time routine - ie - what are you doing with them between 5 and 7 pm?

I'm after coping mechanisms - I'm hoping that someone on mn has discovered a technique that maybe very handy - it seems its the little things that make all the difference.

magicfarawaytree - do you have boys or girls? I can't imagine giving something like that to my boystrous boy while I'm sorting baby out - he acts out so much while I'm putting baby to sleep that I have to find subdued things... that seems like petrol on a fire!

btw, Codface - Thanks for your info, its reassuring.

ah fairi, I'm afraid it wasn't me, but my nanny who looked after 5. Two is plenty for me! Although I am told it gets easier with larger numbers because the oldest can help the littlest. I think the main thing that you have to learn is to relax. So the baby cries for a little while sometimes, but when you get there you give them lots of love, and (I think) crying for a little bit doesn't actually do them any great harm if they know you are on your way. Mostly I think it's about having a routine that works for you, and not trying to do too much for a few years. Once your littlest is walking, talking and generally more independent then life gets a lot easier. Oh and the other thing is to get as much help as possible!