Another thread about only children!

[OddBodd]

Sure this has been done a million times before but can anyone tell me why in this country is being an only child seen as a bad thing?

Me and dh are currently trying to conceive dc2 but ds is already 3.6 and there is a chance he will be an only child.

Can anyone tell me what are the advantages or disadvantages of having more?

Just wanting some tips aswell as to how to cope with two when we have got so used to being a family of 3.

Any input would be gratefully received!

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Hey oddbodd

I'm afraid I can't help with the 3 becoming 4, but I can tell you why we're a 3 person family and will probably stay that way.

There's a lot of emotional stuff involved (really bad birth, no desire inside for another child), but we're sticking to our guns no matter how selfish people tell us we're being.

Basically, we're not poor, but we're a single income family with a mortgage and debt and a car to run, so we feel every penny going.

Having 1 DC, for us, makes sense in a lot of ways. We love him, we're happy to have him, we will NEVER be the kind of parents to spoil him just because he's the only child (probably the opposite, actually). However, we like knowing that the funds available to us as a family unit don't have to be split between him and another DC, and that we can maximise what we can have to further his education, give him fulfilling extra-curricular activities, and a good social life.

We also like to think that we're quite "green", so the idea of not adding to the population has its own appeal, even if minor.

I guess it's easier to make these decisions, though, when there's already an underlying assumption that neither of us are keen to expand the family anyway?

Why do people think parents of singletons are selfish? Are they jealous and only make spiteful remarks because life with loads of children is harder?

There's an assumption that certain unhelpful personality traits are associated with onlies - being selfish, bad at sharing, demanding of adult attention etc. I don't think there's any evidence that most onlies are anything like that though - most parents of onlies I've met have been very aware of the possibility and made sure their child had plenty of opportunity to pick up social skills around other DC.

Sadly my daughter does have a tendancy to be bad at sharing and demanding of adult attention, although I have stamped on it from an early age and tried to encourage her to be less selfish. I couldn't have any more children, so DD's onlyness wasn't through choice.

Our DD is an only through choice. She is a lovely little girl and has firmly told me she doesn't want a sibling.
I don't think I've ever encountered any negative thoughts from other people, I may have though, I don't tend to clock what's going on around me.

My dd may or may not be an only - we're still ttc, but it's looking more and more likely that no 2 won't be happening.

She's only 2.5 but I can already see that she is developing good social skills (for a toddler anyway!). I don't think this will be an issue as long as I continue to provide her with opportunities for mixing.

The thing that worries me most is that she will have to deal with us when were old on her own. Although my own db lives thousands of miles away, so effectively I'm in the same position. He is still an emotional support to me, however, even though he's so far away.

I am an only child and i wuld never just have one. However i understand thats not always possible for everyone.

Looking back i realise i was always quite grown up as a child, you always have adult attention and spend alot of time playing, being around other grown ups. Although i did have 13 cousins and lots of friends too.

The worst times were school holidays although i was lucky that we could afford to go away, but i always remember trying to find friends to play with and asking my dad to help me find one as soon as we got to the hotel. We used to goout to dinner and i'd see other kids all playing, chatting at the table and as much as i loved my parents it's alwaysmore fun to have children to play with.

The thinkg i have found since being a parent of 2 is that they play together, so you don't need to invite friends over all the time, and when you go on holiday or out to dinner they have anaturalplaymate, evenif they do argue sometimes.

The other thing i notice wheni have onlies over to play with dd (5) is that they only want to play with her and not her brother too(nearly 3). I can see that i was a bit like this as a child. You havegone to play with your friend so why should the little one join in, but when you are a family of more than 1 they do expect that friends come over toplay with all not just the inviter.

I also love watching them sharing experiences together, getting excited over christmas together, things that me and dh are there for too, but the excitement to share with another child.

As an adult i would love a sibling, i've always wanted one.Luckily i have a fab best friend who i've known for 22 years so she is my sister (even tho she has her own too)

I had a horrendous birth with dd so we waited nearly 3yrs before having ds (elective section!) but it was so worthit. Tobe honest i'd have another 2, but dh is happy as we are....

sorry about some lack of spaces there!

I am nearly 39 with a 3 month old so we don't have time on our side. I am also knackered. We couldn't afford to send two kids to nursery and don't have any family who could look after kids in the day. So ds will most likely stay an only child unless we win the lottery... But we have other friends with only children who are fine so i don't feel worried. You just have to take life as it comes and i can't complain otherwise. I am happy and grateful to have one lovely son.

I have a 3yo and neither myself or dh feel the need for a second child. Partly because we have discovered we are quite selfish and partly because can't believe that we would be so lucky a second time as we have been blessed with a lovely, happy, healthy girl. (We both have one sibling who we have good relationships with.)

In response to the poster who said they weren't sure they wanted their child to be solely responsible for looking after them when they are old - I have also thought about this but my parents have ended up as main carers for my grandparents on both sides despite each being one of three children (and the others mostly live nearby too) and on both sides the short and long term decisons have caused a lot of bad feeling between the siblings to the point where my mother has just explicitly written her will so that if her children and grandchildren all die before her, her estate will go to charity rather than her siblings.

I am an only child and as a child, I loved it. As an adult I am quite reserved but I think my parents were reserved too so am not sure what difference being an only made to my social skills.

However, at numerous times in my life I have been told "you're not like an only child" and "you would never guess". People do assume that only children grow up to be seld centered individuals with no understanding of or interest in the needs of others and I think that this is where most of the prejudice comes from. However, I have never met an only child who conforms to these stereotypes and have met many with siblings who do. If you parent well, I can't see how this would be a problem.

Some only children are selfish brats who won't share their toys.

So are some children with 4 siblings.

S'nurture innit.

(an only mother with an only child who also has an only grandfather)

I have an 11 month old DD and think she is going to be an only one too. I feel totally fulfilled with her and have absolutely no desire to have any more children.
I am also an only child an can honestly say I have never had any desire for a sibling, I think you can't miss what you never had.
As for the idea that only children are selfish and demanding of adult company I can say that this is not true in my case, I was never a selfish child and am not a selfish adult, as a child I did get a lot of adult company but never demanded it as such. I have always been able to relate better to older people than people my own age though.
I never remember feeling lonely as a child and we lived in a rural location so during school holidays I would spend most of the time playing on my own and had a great imagination.
I don't think it's selfish at all to just have one child, is it not worse to have a child that you don't want? There's also no guarantee that siblings will get on. I know plenty of people that can't stand their siblings.
I usually find that those who say it's selfish, or an only child is a lonely child are those from larger families so in essence they don't have a clue what they are talking about, they just spout cliches.

I didnt realise having an only was some kind of stigma. I have a 16 yr old DD, she is an only, has always been a happy, confident, sociable child and now teen. When she was little my friends had children of the same age, we mixed regularly, her cousins are about the same age, it didnt even occur to me that I was doing was selfish, who said so?

My DD and I have the most amazing relationship, very close, she has'nt had any teen angst (although Im sure their is time) doing first year at A levels, lots of friends and doing well and loving life.

Please ignore anyone who says your selfish, my theory is they must be jealous of the time you are able to give your child and the closeness you achieve :o

I remarried when she was 13, my DH has two children, girl and a boy. They all get on very well, especially my DD and my SD. However when asked my DD still says she loves being my only and is glad she was so old when she got siblings :)

Most people i know don't get on with their siblings and don't even speak to them...very sad

I can see both sides of the coin though - i was an only child who always wanted a brother or sister to play with. However i had a dad who paid me lots of attention and i made friends very easily. On the upside i don't think i would have been as confident and independent as I am had i had siblings as that made me actively make friends and be sociable. I also love being on my own and love my own company although that may only happen once a year now.

My daughter is an only but is very close to her step brother and sister so she has the best of both worlds. She is very sharing (as was i) and she loves the company of both adults and kids her own age.

I have always had it in my head that i didn't want my dd to be an only but putting all the facts together a. a lot of people don't get on with siblings that i know of b. she has a SB & SS that are with us weekends and holidays and c. we can comfortably afford to give them all the best we can in terms of education, holidays, toys. and d. not be too exhausted by throwing in a newborn

I also think that another child will be a strain on the relationship

I think these days we do things because it what is the "social norm" I have to admit to doing such things and only sitting back and thinking afterwards WTF? So, if everyone else was just having one child as in China, would we question it as much? probably not