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What should I say to my 5 year old when he says no one cares about him because he has been told off or can't have his own way?

15 replies

ImFab · 30/01/2011 15:09

Confused
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pagwatch · 30/01/2011 15:12

you very calmly tell him that you love him dearly which is why you are helping him to learn.
you don't react to an emotional tantrum any more than an angry one.

If you are not on his backin a picky way and if he is getting lots of love, affection and positive stuff then just don't get sucked in

Boozilla · 30/01/2011 15:14

I get this from mine, he even offered to leave and go to live with another family once!

It's all button-pushing. As pagwatch says, just stay calm and don't be made to feel guilty!

pozzled · 30/01/2011 15:14

Tell him the truth- that you love him very much, but you are upset by his behaviour. Or you love him very much but you will not change your mind about letting him do x or have x because... and explain why. Don't go over the top trying to convince him, just say it as a statement of fact and then move on/move away.

He may not believe you or accept it when he is feeling fed up and sulky- but it will sink in. He knows perfectly well that you do care, he may just be trying to get your attention. Or he may be feeling a little insecure when he knows he has done something wrong.

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SecretNutellaFix · 30/01/2011 15:15

It's because we care about you that we tell you off/ let you have everything you want.

We want you to grow up to be a happy and healthy adult, so we are teaching you what you need to know. that not everything is going to be yours/ if you do that or don't do that as an adult you could end up in prison(if it's hitting/taking)

Bertina · 30/01/2011 15:15

What pagwatch said.

Plus that not caring about someone and telling them off/saying no are two different things, and that even when you're cross with him you love him very much, and that it's possible and normal to have two opposite feelings at once.

ImFab · 30/01/2011 15:22

Thank you everyone. So obvious when you read it Blush.

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squeaver · 30/01/2011 15:23

Good advice from everyone.

If it helps, my 6 yo regularly declares that "this is the worst day of my life!" when she can't have another biscuit etc.

ImFab · 30/01/2011 17:02

All normal stuff then?

DS1 just announced worst weekend ever but tbh I think he has been treated unfairly. DH let dd go on the xbox but not ds1 even though he helped tidy up. I need to find out why.

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blametheparents · 30/01/2011 17:05

Def normal stuff! If DS gets told off he stomps off to his room and writes notes saying 'Everyone hates me'.
I don't like it, and I feel bad, but I know that is not how he really feels. All kids do it to soe degree, I certainly remember similar things at the same age when I was told off / didn't get mmy own way.

DontCallMeBaby · 30/01/2011 17:16

Certainly hope it's normal; I've just had this exact line from my nearly-7yo DD. Sigh. It ended up with her exclaiming that I didn't even care that the cat scratched her, and me bellowing that I didn't even KNOW that the cat scratched her. Not my finest moment.

ImFab · 30/01/2011 19:10

Mine expect me to know things that have happened too even when not on the same floor never mind in the same room.

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Simic · 30/01/2011 20:40

I think it depends completely on the tone and the context. There CAN be situations where the kid really thinks this (I know, I can remember being the kid!). As many authors on child development and parenting styles have noted, it doesn´t matter what the parent intended to communicate, but what the child understands. As a child I really experienced what Alfie Kohn in "Unconditional Parenting" summarises as the Darling, we love you, it´s just everything you do and say which we despise. Everyone who tells their child that they love them, just they don´t like their behaviour, should think incredibly hard what their child was really trying to tell them through their behaviour. As a child, I wasn´t stupid, I just found it difficult to express myself - or was confused to work out what I was feeling, particularly up against a domineering parental front - parents who were always right and always had to be obeyed - and who I dearly loved and didn´t want to disappoint. Of course I knew I shouldn´t hit my sister. But, my feelings of frustration at having been held responsible for something else I didn´t do and then not listened to when I tried to explain that, left me struggling.
If you feel from the tone, that your child is just trying it on, then probably Alfie Kohn isn´t the author for you. But, if you seriously are exploring what might be going on from your son´s point of view, I would really recommend the book as it addresses precisely this issue - with quite deep analysis.

cory · 31/01/2011 09:16

I think the way past the "Darling, we love you, it´s just everything you do and say which we despise" is to make sure you take time in between to notice and show that you notice all the good things.

LadyOfTheFlowers · 31/01/2011 09:18

When DS1 (5) says things like this I just tell him no to be silly.
I don't engage in a 'Oh darling, you know we love you but...' kind of thing because he knows it is not true.

WildhoodChunder · 31/01/2011 09:50

If he says he thinks no-one cares about him, that probably is actually how he feels at that point in time - he will probably feel differently in the next half hour, but do you think it's worth at least acknowledging that's how he feels? As an adult, if I tell someone how I'm feeling and they tell me not to be silly, it p*sses me off more... How you feel is how you feel, telling someone they shouldn't feel that doesn't make it better?

Could you try diverting him onto positives? In the How to Talk So Kids Will Listen book they have ways of diverting them, imaginary wish-fulfillment etc. So, a very bad off top of my head e.g. if they can't have any more chocolate, you could say things like "I'm sorry you think no-one cares. That must feel a bit horrible. But if you eat more chocolate you won't want your dinner. Can you imagine if we ate nothing but chocolate all the time? Maybe we'd run out of chocolate, then there'd be none left for anyone else - do you think if you ate that much chocolate you might actually turn into a chocolate bean! Can you imagine? Do you think chocolate beans are tickly?" etc...

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